Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

No, he’s a father to one daughter and a step father to a step daughter.

His loyalty lies with the child he created, not the one who had a mother he fell for.

Of course he isn’t supposed to ignore his step daughter but in the circumstances, he should have gone out of his way to make his daughter feel like she is still loved, and is still the most important little girl in his life. It doesn’t sound like he’s done that at all, or like OP has ever had any consideration for her step daughter’s feelings, so now they have to deal with the consequences. This man needs to do something to repair things with his dd.

Those saying he was an awful dad for being a dad to his SD are missing the point that love can grow, him being a dad to another person doesn't stop him loving his other daughter.
Was he supposed to ignore his SD, treat her badly, put his other daughter on a pedestal and no one else can be loved?
Say his daughter tells him to never see his SD again, does he do that?
He is the father of 2 daughters!
I couldn't stand by a man who could drop a daughter at a whim of the other.

Your ultimatum doesn’t make sense OP.

Divorce your DH over this and a) your DD still doesn’t have him walking her down the aisle and b) she now no longer has her step dad in her life.

The alternative is he chooses his second wife over his own DD. Also not good.

He really needs to have an honest conversation with his DD about why this is so hard for her. Instead of being angry and flinging ultimatums around, a little understanding. Blended families rarely work. Your parents separating follows you for the rest of your life. Every major event in your life becomes fraught, as you are now discovering.

If this man has raised your DD as his own after you fucked around and found out with a stoner then he is a good man. You’d be mad to divorce him over something like this.

If he acts as the OP's daughter's dad on her wedding that's it for bio daughter, according to the ex and bio son.

Maybe he should clarify with her just what's going on while OP steps back instead of issuing ultimatums herself

He's NOT not stepped up at their big life event like a wedding. They're not the ones getting married.

As if it isn’t hurtful enough for the DD to already be facing the big fuck you of ‘my REAL daughter doesn’t want me to walk you down the aisle so I won’t be’. It’s really going to show DD exactly where she stands

Good! She didn’t bother to consider her step sisters feelings did she? Her feelings are no more important than the other daughters.

The poor girl has already been abandoned by one dad who is now dead, why isn’t anyone putting themselves in her shoes?

I was exactly in her shoes when I got married, my dad died when I was the same age and everything. I asked a friend who was also my friend’s Dad to walk me down the aisle, but I asked the girlfriend who was the same age as me if it would be ok first. That’s just basic consideration for someone else’s feelings. When she said yes and I asked her Dad, his response was rightly ‘Thank you for asking and I’d love to walk you down the aisle but I will only do it if my dd is t upset by it’. I was able to reassure him that I’d already checked, but still didn’t take it as a done deal until they had had a chance to talk to each other about it, and I would have graciously accepted a no if either of them had been at all uncomfortable with it.

Id feel free to say plenty to my father as an adult if I felt he’d spent my childhood acting as father to another girl.

I assume SD objects to walking down the aisle as it’s a father of the bride role. Other stuff doesn’t have the same symbolism.

DD had a deadbeat dad, so she gained a dad. Which is great. But he wasn’t an unattached man, he already had a daughter. So DD gained a full time dad and SD lost one. And that is hella complicated.

Impossible situation for your DH. Can’t you walk your daughter down the aisle?

Why should this dude's bio kids not expect their dad to step up at a big life event like their wedding and be a dad?

We don't know if the daughter is being unreasonable or not. We don't know how well or poorly the relationship between the daughter and OP and her daughter was. OP has left an awful lot out that makes me think the daughter is giving her dad a last chance to be her dad.

I don’t the the wedding is the main issue. I suspect it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

That's really what I'm asking. Walking down the aisle is a no-go apparently but what qualifies people accepting a veto as being valid vs being ridiculous? What if SD DID say she didn't want her Dad to be in a car with OPs daughter? Would the same argument that she feels she's losing her dad's affections and only spent weekends with him and felt pushed out etc etc or whatever it was still apply?

I can't imagine telling my Dad what to do like this in any capacity, regardless of how my relationship with him was when I was a kid. I'm a grown up so I'll get myself some therapy if I need to and sit back down.

The daughter hasn't been the one to give any ultimatums according to the OP so maybe she doesn't intend to but has just expressed sadness to her mum

I do agree with this though, actually no ultimatums have come from the SD as far as we know, it's all through the ex wife. Perhaps she has just expressed some sadness, which she is totally entitled to do. Maybe that's as far as it will go when DH actually speaks to her directly. I don't think we'll ever know.

That’s not in my remit to decide. This isn’t my life, what I personally think or feel about the situation means fuck all. Each individual involved gets to decide where their own line goes.

I haven’t actually said anything about whether I think anyone involved is right or wrong. I generally prefer to look at situations for what they are rather than bring irrelevancies such as what I think they should be into it.

It doesn’t matter if the daughter is a horrible brat that is going to issue him ultimatums forever and ever and ever - it’s up to him whether he’s prepared to lose her or not.

You are making a difficult situation much worse by your tears and drama. You should be feeling sorry for your DH, not making threats to him.

Perhaps you should also be feeling sorry for SD, who seems to feel threatened by her father's relationship with your daughter. Has he had good contact with her throughout her growing-up years, I wonder? She is being unreasonable but I understand why he doesn’t want to alienate her since she feels so strongly about it.

You walk her down the aisle.

I would have been completely and utterly devastated as a child/teenager if my dad had left our family home & set up home where another girl is full time and they act like daddy daughter while I have to content myself with a weekend dad.

That is really really hard on a child.

And the OP rushes to an ultimatum instead of considering what happened in their family dynamic that the step daughter feels this bad.

It’s a bit bigger than a trip to Asda isn’t it.

It another thing her dads doing for someone else’s child when his already spent more of his time and resources let’s face it emotionally and financially on ops daughter than he has his own child.

It’s just another thing where she watches her dad playing happy families with someone else’s daughter.

Just as ops hopping mad about it the stepdaughter can’t exactly help feeling pushed out and replaced watching her family again play daddy to someone else. Feelings are feeling good or bad.

Ultimatum’s are no good however but if she’s just done and can’t face watching her dad parent someone else’s daughter again over and over then that’s up to her. She’s giving him the heads or rather her mother has said look if you do this DD is done with you she can’t take it anymore. Dads like wtf?!?? Sons confirmed DD is very upset ….

Wonder why dads not noticed all these years before… more focused on his new daughter…. Maybe.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OPs step daughter. She already had to watch another little girl grow up in her place with her Dad and now her step mother and step sister have commandeered her Dad for a a father of the bride role without giving a second thought to how she might feel about it. The poor woman has probably felt pushed aside ever since she was made to be someone’s step child and that will have hurt her a lot.

She probably didn’t talk to her dad herself because she knows there’s the possibility that she will be seen in a bad light just for having normal feelings, but thankfully she still has some family who are prepared to stick up for her.

I honestly can’t believe that no one involved in this wedding didn’t think about how she would feel about this in the first place.

You haven’t said how your daughter feels. Surely that’s the only thing atm that matters?

Okay. Well, the daughter sounds unreasonable (though I can sympathise, some good arguments from people in this thread make sense)

However, if I were in his position, threatened with a future with no relationship with my child, I'd give in as well. It's my child. That person is physically part of me, and if this (possibly unreasonable) demand is the only negative, then I'd deal with that. I'm not turning my back on my child.

You? You are being unreasonable threatening divorce over this. And I hate to say it, but you'll then be removing this man from your daughter's life. If that's the strop you want to have, it's your life, but I personally would not.

I had both of my parents walk me down the aisle, fwiw. It's not a requirement that it be a solitary male of some sort.

It is so unbelievably callous for some posters to be saying ‘he isn’t her dad and never will be’. Really sticking the knife in, and getting a little kick out of it.

As if it isn’t hurtful enough for the DD to already be facing the big fuck you of ‘my REAL daughter doesn’t want me to walk you down the aisle so I won’t be’. It’s really going to show DD exactly where she stands.

It’s not as if you can only walk one woman down the aisle ever, so it has no impact on him one day walking his DD down the aisle (not that she’s even engaged).

I have a DS but if he was in this situation in the future and my DP wouldn’t walk him down the aisle because his DD said so, I would also divorce him. You either commit to being a dad when you say you are going to, or you don’t. Blood related or not. The poor girl has already been abandoned by one dad who is now dead, why isn’t anyone putting themselves in her shoes? This would impact her so, so much more than the SD. But I guess SC are untouchable on here, no matter how incredibly badly they behave.

Walk her yourself. You are her one constant in her life. Why does it need to be a man!!!

Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this.

There's no 'essentially' about this, what has actually been said and by who? and why do they feel that way, context is so important here.

Your daughter is 30 and your step daughter has got to be at least 22, so why is your step daughter so offended by the notion of your husband giving your daughter away?

But I think this might be the problem, popping to Asda is different to being walked down the aisle by your dad

Personally I think its outdated but if she feels strongly about it then she has the right to be sad that she's not the only one who is sharing that moment with her dad

The daughter hasn't been the one to give any ultimatums according to the OP so maybe she doesn't intend to but has just expressed sadness to her mum

I agree, I'd be cancelling her invitation and letting know her why. There's no way I'd be paying for her meal etc. and I'd be worried she'd do something spiteful to ruin the day if she was there. We actually uninvited DH's DIL for that reason, we didn't trust her.

Divorce your ashen faced husband who believes he is facing losing his daughter? Surely there is a better solution. Brainstorm one. PP have suggested many alternatives to choosing between one DD and another. And tell DH to take his DD out for a drink and ask how she's really feeling about it all. His ex may be causing unnecessary trouble.

Step-daughter sounds like a horrible spoilt brat, imo, viewing love like a pie with less for her if he also loves another child like his own. REally piss poor attitude on her part. And catering to it as your husband is is really shit for your own daughter.

I would probably feel the same way as OP if I was invested in all the 'giving away' nonsense. As for that, if she really feels she needs to be 'given away' by someone, OP as her mother should do it as she's been there for her all her life.

As for OP's stepdaughter, I think her husband is a coward for not sitting her and telling her that people can love all their children, including step, adopted, foster and what have you, and it doesn't mean they love everyone a little less as a result, ffs. And ask her why on earth is she behaving so ungenerously towards a child he has essentially raised.