Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

He obviously has made her feel shit, or her mother and brother wouldn’t have felt the need to go out of their way to try and stop it.

Like I said in an earlier post, I was very lucky that a friend allowed me to ‘borrow’ her Dad to walk me down the aisle so I completely agree with your sentiment, but the difference is that both you and my friend probably feel very secure in how much their father loves and prioritises them. Sadly the same can’t be said for the OPs step daughter.

Something like this ? So you think it’s a huge thing to the daughter but the step daughter just has to understand ? Dou bow standards . If my husband did this after 22 year of being a father to my daughter I could never go back to loving him the same way .willingly or not it would be over

How can that be when she has 2 parents pandering to her and her DF is, in a heartbeat, willing to actually reject the SD he raised from childhood- a child who actually did experience abandonment of a father figure? If the mother was telling the truth, she is manufacturing a repeat of her step sister’s childhood trauma for her ahead of her wedding day. Unless there is one hell of a backstory where the bride basically abused her as a child then this is bordering on evil imo.

Not to understand what?

Yeah, this may not be a case of the daughter sending in messengers or levying ultimatums at all. She could very well have been sitting back and waiting to see what he would do of his own volition, and then act accordingly. No demands or drama, just choosing to walk away if he went ahead. The ex and his son may very well have decided themselves to step in to forewarn him

Anyone who thought properly about the situation knows why the OPs SD is upset. OP should know and be more empathetic imo.

OPs SD hasn’t been married yet, so if/when she does, her father has already walked a step child down the aisle… that’s such a special moment for many fathers and daughters. Is he also going to do a father/daughter dance with his SD? Make a father of the bride speech for the SD? I mean, all of these would hurt me massively. Maybe others wouldn’t care, but many people would be upset by this, and understandably so.

Your husband need to do some work to understand why his daughter feels this way.

What age was she when he moved in full time with another little girl? How much time did she get to spend with him versus your daughter? Did he put work in at the time to ensure she didn’t feel replaced?

I can see how she might find this challenging. It’s such a big father daughter moment. She clearly see herself as his only daughter and this should be something only hey have.

also it has highlighted she doesn’t think of your daughter as her sister.

i can see how him coming along was wonderful for your daughter - but this woman might see your daughters gain as her loss. And as far as she is concerned his is her dad - not your daughters.

I'm not saying she is right of course - but she feels what she feels. you can’t just wave a magic wand and erase these big emotions and pretend everyone is delighted with the blended family.

hopefully she will cool down and come to accept her dad’s role in your daughters life. But your husband really should approach this with an open mind and listen to her grievances- which are probably routed in her feeling replaced by your daughter who got more of her dad than she did.

That excuse would be acceptable if we where talking teens or a young child . This is a very adult woman choosing not to understand

I can’t get to now anyone whose father moves out and then moves in with another women and her daughter could be described as “over indulged”. I think it’s a heartbreaking thing to happen to a child. And while I get while some relationships need to end I think we normalise putting adult wants over children’s needs in society.

I think it’s pretty cruel to issue your DH an ultimatum. He can’t win in this situation. Whatever he chooses to do, he is going to hurt someone.

It doesn’t sound like your SD and DD ever had a close relationship? I wonder if your SD felt pushed out by your DD?

Either way, if my DH threatened me with a divorce over an already sensitive issue, I’d be questioning his character. Your DH is not a villain here!

As PPs have suggested, why don’t you walk your DD down the aisle?

She didn’t voice aloud anything. She shared her hurt with her mother and brother and they chose to intervene.

It doesn’t read to me like she’s been over indulged at all. If she was, this wouldn’t have come as such a dramatic shock to the OP. If anything it sounds to me like OPs daughter is over indulged considering her mother would contemplate divorce if he partner doesn’t do what she wants.

But then I suppose we all come to these step family thread with our own experiences.

And why doesn’t the Op care about why the SD feels this strongly?!

Completely agree with this. There is no reason for him to walk her down the aisle if it’s going to cause this much upset. Plenty of mothers walk their daughters down the aisle these days.

You are being too dramatic. What does your DD think of this? How is the relationship with your SD, DD and you?

It screams abandoned child to me

Did he have a daughter of a similar age? If he did, it would be telling that you didn’t mention her feelings.

Well we don’t really know because OP hasn’t answered any questions yet but the more likely explanation, to me, seems that the SD’s feelings have been extremely over-indulged her whole life. The fact that her DF is pandering to this ridiculously entitled attitude, that her DM has backed her up, and that she actually thought it was reasonable to voice aloud the idea that she could prevent her DF from walking her Step sister down the aisle… this to me screams spoilt narcissist far more than poor, overlooked cinderella!

I feel so sorry for your DH. He is in the most terrible lose-lose situation. I would urge him to talk directly to his dd and see if this is all really true. It’s pretty outrageous given that dd isn’t even thinking about getting married. How mean and selfish of your dsd.

In your shoes, I would be gracious and walk dd down the aisle myself. Because it is literally impossible for your dh. But dsd would be in no doubt as to how despicable I think she is (if this is actually what she said and not projection from the mother).

I have very strong feelings about this.

No child asks to be brought into the world. Once you have a child that’s endgame to me they should be the priority including over romantic relationships.

If the DH chose to get married to a woman with a daughter he should have put a lot of thought into considering the impact on his kids. And never made his daughter feel like she is the same to him as someone else’s child.

That isn’t to say that her can’t be a father figure to SD or be kind, but his own DD should be made feel that his bond with his children is unique.

What did the Op do when she heard about this? She rushed to project her own DD because her own DD is her No.1. including saying she is willing to divorce DH after 22 years.

He’s not making his own DD feel like shit. She’s making everyone else feel like shit, and tainting OP’s wedding, as a result of her own self indulgence.

I genuinely would feel proud that my dad had been asked to walk anyone down the aisle. He’s a good man who is loved by many and I would see this as a reflection of how kind he had been and how highly regarded he had been by the bride. Step, friend, colleague - whoever it was. I’m glad I was not raised to be as mean spirited and indulged as the DD in this thread.

I would expect DH to talk to his daughter and ask her why she'd ask something so cruel of him. Maybe he can work on her. If that doesn't work then I think ultimately it is his choice what he does but it would be a real dilemma for me- vicious as she is being she is his daughter. As you what you do - encourage him to speak to SD, encourage him to think about how he'd respond if the situation was the other way round, would he think it would be OK to not walk his other daughter down the aisle? But ultimately I agree with others you walk her down the aisle. Or better yet she walks herself rather than be handed over like a piece of property (sorry - bit of a bone of contention for me that one, though I do appreciate why you'd be upset about the tradition not happening as you'd like).

Glad my stepdad didn't feel that way. He was my and my sister's dad for all intents and purposes and he loved us like we were his own.

But you’d tolerate him making his own daughter feel like shit?

So sorry to vote YABU as I can tell it’s an issue you feel strongly about.
But to actually DIVORCE your husband over one day, to decide to split home, finance, family over not even one day to be honest but five minutes is risible.
That poor, poor man.
You say he was ashen, that unusually for him he had a drink and speak very highly of him.
Yet for one day you will divorce him.
Hmmm OP is this simply a case that you needed a provider for you and your daughter and now she is getting married you can do without him???!
Because as I have typed out the above this is what it seems like to me.
Otherwise there is no other rational explanation for such grandstanding.

On the face of it, SD sounds dreadful and unreasonable.

BUT all you have is a second hand account of her feelings. I reckon that DH should be able to handle this with diplomacy and tact if he is smart about it.
Has he even spoken to her directly? He should have a chat and really listen to her feelings and validate them and all that crap and then ask her directly about what her mum said and whether it is true she wants to blackmail him like this. Surely plan A should be to have a reconciliatory talk with her to get her to accept it rather than play her evil game of “you can only have 1 daughter”.

Also OP I hate to say it but I worry that you risk escalating the situation and making everything blow up worse than it needs to.

did your DD torment her step sister as a child? there has to be more to this.

If he's willing to let your daughter down because his daughter is bullying him, he's not the man you thought he was. I definitely wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from my husband.