Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

I think you should give your Daughter away. I would, in your position.

Take the power away from them all.

None of them lives with the dad full time they both live with their mum . I do have 2 children of my own who my partner adores and none of his kids would pull the BS this grown woman is pulling because they know there is no way they would get away with it and because they would not show that level of disrespect towards their dad or our family as a whole . In fact when we stayed living together 6 years ago I asked his then 12 year old ( bio son ) how he felt because my youngest started calling him dad and he replied “ he was my brothers dad before he was mine so I’m very used to sharing him and I don’t mind “ the “ kids “ all get along amazingly and it’s something we always worked on and where very open about from day one .
It’s not normal for a grown woman to not know right from wrong , and giving in to her is a downfall he will regret in time and shows a huge lack of respect towards her dad

If you divorce your DH for this up you are punishing the wrong people .

Exactly. I would never tell my dad he was the same to me as my stepdad. He would be heartbroken. If my dad hadn't been there on the day I would've walked by myself out of respect for him.

But that took time - years. Imagine being the little girl who only sees her dad at weekends and really misses him: he then moves in with a new little girl (possibly around d the same age) and becomes her dad instead of yours.

How many people do you know talk with heartbreak about how their dad moved on with a new family? I have friends this happened to. The dad always prioritized the step mum - so her kids always got a lot more of the dad.

I am not says an adult woman should be throwing a temper tantrum about this - but I am saying this will be routed in some very strong emotions which are inconvenient to OP

I've been on the other side of this and can totally understand where the SD is coming from. My parents split when I was early teens and my dad moved in with his now wife and her 3 children.

Found out shortly before wedding that Dad was giving step sister away. Felt like a kick in the teeth. He was my dad. She had her own dad (and mum). Not my fault that her real dad was a bit of a loose cannon. Felt like I was 14 again.

I didn't cause a fuss but did tell my dad that it upset me. I bet he wouldn't have been happy if I asked my mum's husband to walk me down the aisle instead of him.

Why don’t you walk her down the aisle?

much nicer - I hate the idea of men giving women to another man! It’s gross

Very very few parents would put someone else’s child above theirs in a life or death situation and if they did I would judge them unless extreme circumstances such as one able bodied should be able to escape and say one in a wheelchair and even then I’d probably think I bet they regret that.

They are both his, agreed

but that doesn’t mean that when push came to shove, in a burning building, he would not save his biological child before his step child.

He absolutely would do just that

You walk her down the aisle !

These step family threads always go the same way. A mother has a child with a useless man. She marries and the new husband takes in the paternal role that was left vacant by useless man.

The Wife assumes that everyone in the husbands life will be 100% happy with this new arrangement.

Problems then arise if the husbands parents don’t see the new child as their grandchild, or the husbands children aren’t happy that their dad is suddenly parenting a new child 100% of the time when them (his actual children) only see him at weekends.

Some Families do the blending very well - but some don’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if the daughter has a long list of grievances about how her dad prioritized (in her mind) this new step daughter over her.

I can see how OP wanted her new husband to be an instant dad for her daughter. But I hope this dad ensured he was a fair as possible and ensured he prioritized his own children.

I don’t think DH’s daughter will stand by her threat. She will sulk and then get over it.

i suspect though… you know I’m right. Your dh would save his biological child first

you have step children

is this how you feel? Love them as your own?

I feel really sad for everyone involved. Your DH is in the worst position. Why was the news delivered by his ex rather than his daughter?

I wouldn't give a threat to him like divorce since he did not bring this upon himself, and it will only make you be as bad as his ex. Instead, I'd have your daughter directly appeal to him and have you both explain to him what he means to you both and what this would mean to your daughter.

If you've been married to him since your daughter was eight, and this is the only father she's known since then, and if her bio dad has died, then DH's daughter is being completely heartless and immature.

He has a special role in your daughter's life, and she's asked him to walk her down the aisle. His daughter will have her moment, too, and it will be different but also special, because he is her biological father and she has her own relationship with him.

Why because he didn’t prioritise the feelings of his own daughter?! DD has already had DH play the role of father while his daughter had to watch from a distance. Could you not be sensitive to that?

What you can’t grasp is they are both his ! I pity people who cannot actually realise some are capable of that .

Not the same situation.

Your sons probably live full time with their father, whereas the stepson sees him occasionally/part time.

Imagine if your husband never did anything with your sons, never played sports with them, never taught them to ride bikes, never took them to football games, but instead lived with his stepson full time and they had to watch him do that with him. How would you expect them to feel?

I think that’s the situation where it tends to work out ok.

If the step parent doesn’t have their own children. But otherwise they end up even without thinking about it day to day putting their steps above just by being there with them.

I honestly can’t grasp that mentality , no wonder adopting is so hard with so many people equating dna with love . I’m so glad I found someone that is not that way and neither am I .

Guarantee it otherwise his actually a shit dad.

I’d protect my own before anyone else’s even if I loved them.

And in a lot of situations if doesn’t matter. If a guy has step kids and no other kids and he sees them as akin to bio kids great. Can only be a positive really.

No it’s not. This poor woman who has been sidelined by her father has done nothing except share her feelings of hurt with her mother and brother. The fact that she hasn’t said anything herself shows she’s aware some small minded people wouldn’t be able to understand where she’s coming from.

Is there a reason he hasn't adopted her?

She could walk down the aisle with you or the groom to be, or just with bridesmaids. Assume stepdaughter isn't a bridesmaid.

True , hence why I think there is no coming back from this and op will eventually end her marriage . I would , I would never be able to love him the same way again let alone carry on as normal

A conversation needs to be had here with your stepdaughter. She needs to stop being jealous and silly over this. Your daughter will be hurt. Your husband's upset. You are upset. And all she wants is to get her own way. Your husband can perhaps talk to her and say 'I'll walk both of you down the aisle, or neither of you.' This should be a happy occasion and instead stepdaughter is using it to pull rank. Very unkind. I take it there's a touch of animosity between the two girls?