Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

I understand it too.

I can feel the young girl emotion in me when I read it. If my dad has moved in with another girl and raised her he wouldn’t need to worry about aisle walking as I can’t imagine we’d have much of relationship due to my feelings of abandonment.

This! If he allows her to dictate this situation, what's to stop her saying that if he treats your DD's children as grandchildren, when she has any, he won't be allowed to see her children? What a ridiculous situation! He needs to see his daughter, and tell her that she's being ridiculous, and that he will not entertain BLACKMAIL which is what this is!

My feelings too

Hi OP,

What a horrible situation for you, your partner and your daughter to be put in.

Without any more context about your SD it's hard to really give advice here. One assumes there's years of jealousy and hurt sitting with his Daughter. What is their relationship like? Also why isn't your SD having this conversation herself with her Dad herself?

One would have hoped that Ex W could have talked some sense into her daughter and not been part of this manipulation. I agree with many posters that it sounds like there's years of resentment and hurt sitting with the SD but assuming she is an adult it is her responsibility to work through that herself, not to project that onto other people.

Surely your DH can walk both young women down the aisle? The woman getting married has had this man in her life for 22 years... it's not like they've known him for 5 minutes.

It's up to DH to make his bio DD feel loved, special, wanted and unique in her own right and to build that strong one-on-one bond with her. But in my opinion that doesn't mean the bio DD gets to dictate that her Dad doesn't walk your DD down the aisle. If he agrees to that then where does it stop "Her kids aren't allowed to call you Grandad or I'm never speaking to you again", "You're not allowed to spend Christmas Day at hers and not mine or I'm never speaking to you again"....

He has to make his own choice but I'd be encouraging him to make sure his DD feels secure in their father daughter relationship. If she truly did then she wouldn't have to make such threats.

I can imagine it feels really hurtful for you and your DD who have likely both given a lot to your DH and possibly his DD too.

Remember to breathe, think, pause, respond, don't react.... and don't divorce him over this...he will have been pushed into "guilt corner" by this and he needs your compassion more than ever xx

Wow, I'd take a view of this. Is there a male relative who could give your daughter away, like your dad, brother or uncle? And I would absolutely make a big deal about it. Like, SD wont be allowed anywhere near me, the selfish cow.

She basically trying to ruin your daughter's big day and your family and your DH lets her. Your daughter is absolutely your husband's daughter, and he should be proud of giving her away.

When you have children your “right to find love again” should very much take a back seat. We’ve normalised finding love again at the expense of children IMO.

My eldest is my stepchild and I've never treated her any different to my dds.

Your poor DH, he shouldn’t be put in this situation by his DD at all, but have some empathy for him and imagine how difficult this is for him now feeling torn between his own DD and SD that he has been good enough to raise as his own, and then having you add some extra pressure with crying and more ultimatums.

You have called your ex out for being a deadbeat dad, so do you seriously expect your DH to turn his back on his own DD for you and yours?
As a father he should not be willing to lose his relationship with his DD, to walk your DD down the aisle IMO.

Furthermore, would you be willing to prioritise the feelings of your SD over those of your own DD? As that is what you are now asking him to do. What would you do in your DH’s shoes?

You’ve not shown any interest in the feelings of your own SD in your post, about why she feels this way and how it can be resolved, do you care about that at all? If you expect your DH to consider your DD’s feelings so highly you should be willing to do the same for his DD, your SD.

Sounds like your SD is insecure in her relationship with her father for whatever reason, and it sounds like you couldn’t care less about that. Yes, she is being horribly unreasonable and selfish, but I feel like we are missing a lot of backstory here about why she has an issue and her ultimatum to me is hinting at some deep emotional pain somewhere.

It’s still unreasonable of her, but as PP have said parents separating and blended families raise a lot of complicated feelings for the children involved, particularly the ones who may feel they are losing a parent that a different child is gaining.

DH needs to have open conversations with SD about her feelings, seeing what reassurance she needs and trying to find a way that she knows she is loved and irreplaceable so she feels more comfortable with sharing her dad so that hopefully she will feel happy to let go of this horrible ultimatum, and your DH can walk your DD down the aisle as planned without risking his relationship with his own biological child.

Meanwhile you could support and reassure your DD that she is loved by DH, but he’s just been dropped in the middle of a shitty, unfair and impossible situation.

Well i agree that clearly some mistakes were made in her upbringing but that’s not going to be solved by a spiteful act towards her step sister at her wedding.

She should have had it explained to her years ago that her DF has every right to find love again, remarry, be a step dad etc, and that she cannot dictate other people’s relationships but that also doesn’t mean he loves her any less. But it’s too late for that kind of chat now so he’s probably better off using flattery - reassuring her that she’s the favorite and that he’s only walking the other one down the aisle because he feels obligated but can she just be generous and the bigger person etc. she’ll grumble and feel like the victim but probably get past it. Home truths about her acting like a spoiled brat or playing her “pick me” game like the OP is doing will make it worse.

Only he didnt "choose his daughter".

What he chose is to pander to a batshit crazy blackmail.

And sure, OPs daughter can be walked down by other people but that's not the point. It's the meaning behind the gesture and the message she would now get, that her dad the only dad she's got doesn't care enough to stand up for her and she's not a real daughter to him. Not to mention treated awfully by her step sister!

She doesn’t have a sister. She has a dad who after leaving their family home, didn’t prioritise setting up a stable second home where his kids could see him. He moved in with someone else and raised her child.

If he’d been childfree that would have been fantastic but he wasn’t. He was a man with existing commitments to children he chose to create.

Fair enough. He, however, loves his child and isn’t prepared to lose his relationship with her for the sake of his stepchild.

Did you and your half (not step) sister grown up in the same home together. Did you both get to live with the man you call Dad? If so, it’s a totally different situation.

Sounds like there is a lot of resentment from DSD, probably feeling very hurt that DH maybe spent more time with your daughter than her when she was growing up and now your daughter is getting married first. I can see it from both sides. It’s not really anyone’s fault how does DD feel about it?

This 100%
Why is he so spineless?
If he's been "for all intents and purposes" your daughter's dad for all these years, I would expect him to act like one, not bend over as soon as his (jealous and unreasonable) daughter and ex snap their fingers.
If that was my husband I'd be really disappointed in him too OP.

If one of my kids (all adults) issued an ultimatum like that to me or their dad they'd be firmly put in their place! Fortunately they're normal well rounded people, not entitled little shits.

For what it’s worth, I think your husband could do worse than meet with his daughter and ask Why ?

He might have to 'Ask Why Five Times' to get to the root of the problem but I don’t think blackmail on any side is the answer.

Who knows? She doesn’t have a sister, so that’s a moot point.

No, he doesn’t ‘need’ to tell her to fuck off and lose his relationship with her when that’s clearly not what he wants.

Neither did she. For all we know she just had a cry to her Mum, told her she felt too hurt and was going to start back off from her Dad. Then her Mum, wanting to protect her daughter and her relationship with her father, chose to tell her ex how their daughter was feeling.

Why the twat went to the pub to get drunk and sorry for himself instead of contacting his daughter to see what she was saying is something we’ll likely never know.

You can give your daughter away, op.

However your daughter belongs to nobody, she is not a piece of property. If you choose to sponsor her, that is sufficient. You'll walk down the aisle together.

See what she says.

Had she asked him if he wanted to walk her down the aisle? If he had already agreed then he should have told his dd to stop being an immature idiot. If he hasn't been asked I'd ask your dd if you could walk her down the aisle.

I can understand why you'd be upset.

Your DSD sounds like an immature brat! What would she do if she had a sister? Make her dad choose between them? She needs to grow up and your DH needs to grow a pair and tell her to fuck off.

Tell everyone why?! If she told me that, I’d think well I totally understand why the SD is upset, and I would think really poorly of the OP for mouthing off about it!

Another thread where someone drops a bomb and never comes back?