Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

Well no, it’s not always a threat.

The people who actually know her believe that she’s serious, enough to take it upon themselves to warn her father (she in fact has not made demands or issued ultimatums), who also believes that she’s serious.

We have no way of knowing that.

It’s not a ‘wild threat’ if she fully intends to follow through with it, which it sounds like she does. Or at least her mother, brother and father believe she does.

Unfortunate as it may be, he doesn’t get to walk both down the aisle. He’s in a position where he’s had to choose between his walking his stepdaughter at her wedding, and his relationship with his daughter, and he’s chosen his daughter.

Would he really lose his daughter if he did it though?? I mean really? Or would she pissed off but find her way back to him when she next needs money/support/ whatever else dad usually provides her.

Adult offspring can really hold their parents to ransom with the threat of no contact but in reality that’s all it is - a threat.

His daughter is holding him to ransome. I think it's incredibly manipulative. But, I don't think threatening divorce and throwing out ultimatums is any less manipulative. Your husband is in a very tricky position where whatever he does is going to hurt someone and potentially ruin a relationship.

You could walk her down the aisle.

I think you need to talk to him and see what he feels he can do as a special person in your daughters life. Maybe he could do a dance to something like you got a friend in me. Not announced as a dad but as a special father figure in her life.

Whatever he does he's funked either way if everyone's throwing out ultimatums.

He’s made a choice. In fact he’s “adamant” about it and perhaps went to the pub for the courage to communicate it.

The SD is “devastated” so much so that her mother who does meet up with DH met up with him to discuss it.

Can it not just be explained to DD. That while he would ideally like to, his daughter is devastated about it and given that DD had the benefit of DH being in her life when SD didn’t it’s something he feels he can’t do to her.

It's blackmail. If the SD had married first and he had walked her down the aisle I bet she wouldn't be making wild threats now. It's a timing thing. He needs to talk to his DD not messages going through her mum.

This. You can't make him choose.

Let the dust settle here. The wedding is 4 months away and no one needs to decide anything yet.

But please don't threaten your DH over this. He didn't ask to be put in this situation and it's cruel to make him choose. He needs to talk to his DD and understand why she's so upset about it. Face to Face.

Since he lived full time with OPs daughter from a very young age as opposed to his own child, she has hardly been 'missing a Dad' has she?

SD has had to witness him living with and raising another woman's child full time, whilst probably only seeing him a couple of times a week herself. She's not being selfish, she's probably suffering years of built up resentment and jealousy.

No he didn’t but he became my “dad” when my dad committed suicide in our home.

i stayed over with them most weeks, went on holiday with them, he helped me with homework, he gave me lifts to places, picked me up, gave me money to do days out with friends as my mum couldn’t afford much.

so no I didn’t have him life with me because that would have been weird (and I don’t think my aunt would have been too pleased) but my cousin did sacrifice a lot as an only child , their life was turned upside down when my dad died too.

It’s like, two minutes out of your entire lives and so, so tiny in the scheme of things. Are you sobbing uncontrollably about something bigger? Because I don’t want to minimise your pain but it surely can’t be about just this 💐

You’re upset by wedding drama and ultimatum, so you’ve created your own drama and ultimatum. Don’t get swept along by high expressed emotions don’t make ultimatum
women arent possessions to be given away. Father giving daughter away dates back to when a father was essentially transferring ownership from himself to new husband eg give away
Ultimatum are a terrible strategy, and it can quickly escalate

The OP won't be coming back -is happening more and more these days on MN. One post and never returns 👀

The ultimatum is horrible but I don't think you can ignore the impact on your DH's daughter growing up in the wings while her dad lived full-time with another little girl and did all the things with this child that he couldn't do with her while she was living at her mum's. It's therefore easy to see why her dad walking her down the aisle means so much to her. It's such a uniquely special moment between father and daughter.

It sounds like your DH realises that, so threatening to divorce him for not doing what you want is incredibly unfair. I would walk my daughter down the aisle myself and let him, as her stepdad, make the father of the bride speech instead.

I can't believe his daughter and ex are this spiteful and vindictive. Why is he letting them call the shots in his life?

‘Surely your DH can walk both young women down the aisle?’

In an ideal world, maybe, but not in this one.

She doesn’t get to tell him what he can and cannot do, but she can choose to walk away from her relationship with him if he goes ahead and walks his stepdaughter down the aisle at her wedding. He cannot dictate to her that she gets over it, or remains in his life.

Wanting something to be a certain way, and not wanting to have to choose between things, does not mean they are that way, or that you can have all that you want.

We’ve had huge problems with my sd resenting her dad’s role in my kids’ lives. She’s an adult now and hides it better but it’s still there.

Op even if your sd ‘wins’ this, it won’t end because she’ll want him to differentiate between their children when they have them, what he puts in his will..

He has to have a conversation with her, pointing out her that her step sister has never had another dad, but that doesn’t make him love her, his biological dd any less. He can love both of them.

What needs to happen is dead beat (prior to death in this case) dads (parents) need holding accountable. There should be shame and social stigma in not being arsed with your own children.

If these men (parents) were all active in their children lives we wouldn’t keep seeing mums expecting step dads and their families to pick up the pieces.

Ready for sexist yada yada women also need to think of these issues when they decide to have more children when they already have one/some with a deadbeat as well rather than expecting rainbows and unicorns.

I really feel for all of you. But you are being unreasonable to issue your own ultimatum.

Your DH walks your daughter down the aisle and loses his daughter.

Or your DH doesn't walk your daughter down the aisle and loses you.

How is he supposed to choose? If you put yourself in his shoes, surely you can see it's an impossible and unfair choice?

That’s easy to do when you’re confident that said outcome won’t actually happen, or you truly don’t care whether you have a relationship with your child/ren or not.

He’s not prepared to lose his daughter.

The DD’s own dad is dead. Yeah, how fortunate.

she’s the one completely missing a dad. And we don’t know how present the dh was in his own daughter’s life. If she wants him walking her down the aisle he can’t have been a complete deadbeat.

i remember a classmate whinging about her dad and seeing him weekends. My own dad had died a couple of years ago before and I just remember thinking at least you still get to see your dad, he’s still alive.

i think it’s incredibly selfish denying her two minutes with her stepdad when the DD’s never had the opportunity to know her own dad.

Reading these threads I find more seems to be expected of SD. They are after all the ones living with the SCs. And it’s more often that they SC don’t have contact with their bio father so more is expected of SD.

Perhaps as a society we could consider putting more work into the relationship in which we had the child to lessen kids having to deal with all this. And not normalise mum & dad seeking another relationship while their kids are young.

Reading through some of these answers makes me weep.

Stepmums are so often told "Love them as if they're your own" and "Make your stepkids feel as important as your bio kids" but as soon as we are talking about a man and his SD it's all about his "real DD" and he's told "put your own kid first".

This is why we need to acknowledge the complexity across stepfamilies and let people talk more openly about it!

I really feel for everyone in this situation

Pretty shit of you to threaten divorce. How about supporting him in finding a solution?

Well, OP’s DD isn’t her husband’s daughter, and he won’t choose her over his own.