Page 19 | Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

WickedMotherofthebride · 2025-04-29T13:00:20+00:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after. For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen. Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son. I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was. My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad. At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died. She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad. Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells. My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't. The wedding is in 18 weeks.

InterIgnis · 30/04/2025 03:16

Icannaeeven · 30/04/2025 02:07

It doesn't mean that at all. There's no indication he 'chose' SD because she's his biological daughter - it could very well have been simply because she's throwing the biggest tantrum and historically that's how she's gotten her own way. Any weak man can chose the path of least resistance, regardless of the relationship.

The assumption that he favours her for biological reasons is your own and not at all 'fair to say'.

Show quote history

If that were the case you would reasonably expect her to have thrown tantrums to prevent her father from ever acting as a father to his stepdaughter in the first place.

She isn’t throwing a tantrum, making demands or issuing ultimatums. Her mother and brother spoke to her father, quite possibly without her knowledge. Tellingly, he didn’t go home to speak to OP, or even her daughter, about it before making a decision - he went home and adamantly told her what his decision was, likely knowing full well the impact that this would have on his marriage and his relationship with his stepdaughter (a weak man choosing the path of least resistance, would I imagine would not choose a course of action with the potential to blow up his day to day life).

So yes, based on this I do think it’s fair to say that he’s chosen his daughter over his stepdaughter, and that this strongly suggests that he does not consider them to be equally his daughters. You can of course disagree.

Icannaeeven · 30/04/2025 02:23

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 23:08

Do the kids on all these countless MNs threads about step-parenting seem happy?

You don’t need to live with someone as an adult to be happy.

Kids are only kids for a short time. You still have your job, your friends etc. So your world doesn’t “revolve around them”, you’re just not forcing them to live with other people.

Show quote history

Do the kids on all these countless MNs threads about step-parenting seem happy?

Their mothers certainly don't.

DreamTheMoors · 30/04/2025 02:10

Good grief.
I don’t care who it is - child, spouse, parent, sibling - somebody issues me an ultimatum, and that’s it.
It’s blackmail - no more, no less.
”If you don’t do ABC, I’ll never do DEF.”
You knock yourself out, honey - I’ll be right here.

Icannaeeven · 30/04/2025 02:07

InterIgnis · 30/04/2025 00:27

It is very much the norm for people to favor their own children over their stepchildren, as has happened in OP’s case. That doesn’t mean it’s always the way, but it’s unusual for it not to be.

The stepfather in this case HAS chosen his own daughter, so it’s fair to say that he does not consider them to be equal in his eyes, no matter how active a participant he may have been in raising OP’s daughter.

Show quote history

It doesn't mean that at all. There's no indication he 'chose' SD because she's his biological daughter - it could very well have been simply because she's throwing the biggest tantrum and historically that's how she's gotten her own way. Any weak man can chose the path of least resistance, regardless of the relationship.

The assumption that he favours her for biological reasons is your own and not at all 'fair to say'.

Bestfadeplans · 30/04/2025 01:45

Cherrytree86 · 29/04/2025 21:06

Would he really lose his daughter if he did it though?? I mean really? Or would she pissed off but find her way back to him when she next needs money/support/ whatever else dad usually provides her.

Adult offspring can really hold their parents to ransom with the threat of no contact but in reality that’s all it is - a threat.

This 100%

InterIgnis · 30/04/2025 00:27

Crazyworldmum · 30/04/2025 00:13

I agree and this wouldn’t happen in my house , no matter how many people try to say it’s the norm, it’s not in my experience . Takes a lot for a child to see someone as their parent too , my now 9 year old started calling my husband dad at 4 , if people ask her if he is her real dad she replies , yes I picked him to be my dad , he could just be a stepdad but I choose him to be my dad when I didn’t have to . He is very proud of her perspective and very proud to be called her dad , as I said here before he is also step dad to his ex wife’s older son , he in in his 20s and to this day most of his friends don’t know they are not biologically connected because dad is my husband it has always been , despite him actually having a dad .
Everyone is focusing on the bio daughter here but nobody is actually realising how much it takes a child to trust someone to call them dad . I feel so bad for the OPs daughter , having her wedding ruined by someone who could easily still have her dad walk her down the aisle when she is ready but is to selfish

Show quote history

It is very much the norm for people to favor their own children over their stepchildren, as has happened in OP’s case. That doesn’t mean it’s always the way, but it’s unusual for it not to be.

The stepfather in this case HAS chosen his own daughter, so it’s fair to say that he does not consider them to be equal in his eyes, no matter how active a participant he may have been in raising OP’s daughter.

Crazyworldmum · 30/04/2025 00:13

petiteoeuf · 29/04/2025 19:21

As the step daughter of someone who has been in my life my whole life, and the biological daughter of a man I loved very much, but who had issues with addiction and died when I was 11, this post really hit home for me. I’m surprised by the lack of sympathy from others, because from my (and my step dad’s) perspective, he’s an extremely important person in my life. He also walked me down the aisle and it was very special for me to be walked by someone who stepped up and loved me like he has done. He chose me and welcomed me into his heart and gave me a paternal figure that I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and that’s really special. It makes me a bit sad for your daughter that others are being so quick to buy into the idea that his biological daughter takes priority here. That’s not for a second to suggest he shouldn’t consider her feelings - I really do appreciate that it can be an incredibly complicated situation - but she’s also being weird and possessive and I don’t think that’s fair, or right. Father figures come in many forms and she should be proud to have a dad with a heart big enough to choose to parent a daughter he didn’t create!

All that to say, I think it’s kind of cool you feel so strongly about making sure your daughter isn’t sidelined. It really hurts when people pull the “biological” card. Although I guess even from my fairly biased perspective, it does sound like a SD problem rather than a DH problem, so I guess maybe it’s not totally fair to make it his fault. ❤️

I agree and this wouldn’t happen in my house , no matter how many people try to say it’s the norm, it’s not in my experience . Takes a lot for a child to see someone as their parent too , my now 9 year old started calling my husband dad at 4 , if people ask her if he is her real dad she replies , yes I picked him to be my dad , he could just be a stepdad but I choose him to be my dad when I didn’t have to . He is very proud of her perspective and very proud to be called her dad , as I said here before he is also step dad to his ex wife’s older son , he in in his 20s and to this day most of his friends don’t know they are not biologically connected because dad is my husband it has always been , despite him actually having a dad .
Everyone is focusing on the bio daughter here but nobody is actually realising how much it takes a child to trust someone to call them dad . I feel so bad for the OPs daughter , having her wedding ruined by someone who could easily still have her dad walk her down the aisle when she is ready but is to selfish

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2025 00:10

HumanRightsAreHumanRights · 29/04/2025 15:38

He isn't your childs father.
Never has been, never will be.
He has a daughter of his own and she isn't the one you care about as you've made very clear.

Guess your normal tactics of crying and screaming to get your own way are familiar to his real daughter who probably had to grow up enduring it and now resents how much you insisted her real father was taken away to play pretend happy families with this other girl.

You are asking him to throw his own daughter away for your ego and the result of your poor decisions for what?
You wouldn't get between him and his own daughter if you loved him so it can't be that.

You are the evil stepmother in this instance.

Do you even care how much damage you caused his real daughter by thinking you could grab a replacement dad for your child?
It's obviously a lot or she wouldn't feel like this.

The MN first wives club hypocrites are so easy to spot.

Eenameenadeeka · 29/04/2025 23:57

The poor man.
His daughter is being unreasonable, but so are you for threatening to divorce him. Sounds like he can't win.
I don't know why it came from his ex, but it sounds like he needs to sit down with his daughter and explain to her that he loves them both. Do the 2 daughters not get on at all then? If she's willing to cut him off over it, there's clearly some quite deep issues in their relationship. My Dad walked with my cousin because my uncle passed away and my sisters and I thought it was lovely. But we all have a good relationship with our Dad, assuming she's felt quite let down by him in some ways that this is her reaction.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 23:48

Hollyhedge · 29/04/2025 23:39

Why is the daughter devastated. This needs to be addressed. Not by him nor doing it.

He’s already decided that he isn’t going to go ahead and do something that will cost him his relationship with his child, and has told OP as much.

nocoolnamesleft · 29/04/2025 23:42

It implies quite a lot of bitterness. I wonder if his daughter feels he has been more of a father to his step daughter than to her. Would she have any justification for feeling that way?

Hollyhedge · 29/04/2025 23:39

Why is the daughter devastated. This needs to be addressed. Not by him nor doing it.

BadLad · 29/04/2025 23:36

sobbing uncontrollably to my sister

Jesus wept. Get a grip.

Monty88 · 29/04/2025 23:36

You all sound unhinged

JellyNellyKat · 29/04/2025 23:32

YANBU at all

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 23:29

BubblesMacgee · 29/04/2025 23:24

Enough to make anyone livid, but here is the best revenge on a bad situation. Spend out on the ultimate of stunning and stylish, take your own daughter down the aisle and give her away, with the brightest smile you can achieve. Let your girl talk this through as much as she needs to with you and her partner, and then move forward with your plans. Let everyone know what has happened and then refuse to discuss it further. Make your daughter's special day absolutely lovely, enjoy the celebration for her and her partner and refuse to let this spoil it. And do not divorce him - this would delight the ex who I suspect is partly behind this and point scoring like mad. However, do get some couple counselling. You need to be able to address this as a partnership.

Why does she need to let anyone know what happened? She could just do exactly as you said walk her daughter down the aisle & people aren’t going to think anything of it, it’s a perfectly normal thing to do.

The Op immediately rushed to look out for her daughter going so far as to threaten divorce, but the ex can’t have a conversation about her daughter with the child’s father. Without being accused of point scoring. She might just be very concerned for her devastated daughter.

BubblesMacgee · 29/04/2025 23:24

Enough to make anyone livid, but here is the best revenge on a bad situation. Spend out on the ultimate of stunning and stylish, take your own daughter down the aisle and give her away, with the brightest smile you can achieve. Let your girl talk this through as much as she needs to with you and her partner, and then move forward with your plans. Let everyone know what has happened and then refuse to discuss it further. Make your daughter's special day absolutely lovely, enjoy the celebration for her and her partner and refuse to let this spoil it. And do not divorce him - this would delight the ex who I suspect is partly behind this and point scoring like mad. However, do get some couple counselling. You need to be able to address this as a partnership.

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 23:24

JorgyPorgy · 29/04/2025 23:20

Well an unhappy parent doesn’t make a happy child

Show quote history

I’ve been unhappy at time since being parent, I wasn’t telling my kids about it & they were happy as Larry.

I don’t mean it as a dig at you at all, but it does seem self centred.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 29/04/2025 23:21

Totallytoti · 29/04/2025 23:16

And not one reply from the op…

MN is absolutely full of these kind of posts lately. One "exciting" post on a topic that will wind everyone up and cause a lot of differing or outrageous opinions, written very much in the style of a journo looking for an easy story....

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 23:21

MrsPeterHarris · 29/04/2025 23:14

I completely agree @the7Vabo

I’m not 100% on it myself but I think back to how deeply hurt I would have been as a young girl if my dad had moved in with another young girl.

I can’t help but think there’s a wounded child in SD screaming for her daddy.

JorgyPorgy · 29/04/2025 23:20

Anxioustealady · 29/04/2025 23:19

No a happy parent does not equal a happy child. What a self centred view.

Show quote history

Well an unhappy parent doesn’t make a happy child

Anxioustealady · 29/04/2025 23:19

JorgyPorgy · 29/04/2025 23:02

I agree parents should wait a bit before moving in with someone new, but I think after a year (maybe a bit longer ) a couple might want to bring their life together ? A happy parent is a happy child. Children shouldn’t be allowed to think their parents world revolves around them. It’s not healthy . Was OPs DH suppose to live alone until his DD gets her own place ? Was OP supposed to live alone? It doesn’t sound practical or very nice.

Show quote history

No a happy parent does not equal a happy child. What a self centred view.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 23:19

MrsSunshine2b · 29/04/2025 23:08

Her feelings are her responsibility. She's an adult. He loves his daughter and his stepdaughter and she needs to get over that.

Show quote history

No, she evidently doesn’t.

JorgyPorgy · 29/04/2025 23:18

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 23:08

Do the kids on all these countless MNs threads about step-parenting seem happy?

You don’t need to live with someone as an adult to be happy.

Kids are only kids for a short time. You still have your job, your friends etc. So your world doesn’t “revolve around them”, you’re just not forcing them to live with other people.

Show quote history

What if you want to remarry though ? Are you supposed to remarry and live separately? Should a hypothetical 35 yo wait till they’re 50+ to life with their partner just because he has kids? What if you don’t want to live alone but with a partner? It can get lonely for some people coming home to an empty place when kids are at the exes. It’s also a pain going back & forth to your partner’s place , living out a suitcase etc , especially when you travel for work & then weekends you want to visit family or see friends but haven’t seen partner all week? 🤔

Totallytoti · 29/04/2025 23:16

And not one reply from the op…