Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

It was only my children, she said no children then invited other children - we were close, we grew up together in the same household, 44 years, she used to babysit my children, and I hers, and she had no relationship with the children she did invite. She was 52 years old at the time.

She has always been like this and it was in the garden of parents house.

And about how my children felt - his grandchildren - thats what he was thinking, not about me

How ridiculous and what a brat. You don’t own your parents. Would he not be allowed to walk full blood siblings down the aisle either?

It could help her very much, and allow him the opportunity to rebuild a fractured relationship with her.

Not ‘giving in’ will cost him his relationship with her, potentially both his children if his son follows suit.

Did you ever actually ask her why? If my stepsiblings didn't want me at their weddings, I genuinely would think "oh, I wonder what I did that makes them feel that way?" and I would let them have their wedding day how they wanted. We're not close so I wouldn't push the issue.

You won, your stepfather abandoned his daughter for once and for all, to please you (or most likely your mother) and yet you're still angry and calling her a bitch, not thinking how she felt on her wedding day at all.

I noted the phone checking. I doubt my husband would allow me to track him.

One suspects not, but it's cleverly construed if fake.

I enjoy how OP has raised the possibility that he might be one of those who's only willing to parent kids whose mother he's in a sexual relationship with, but mixes it up with him evidently not seeing her DC as like his own when the ultimatum was given. Maximum reeling in!

Two highly contentious topics (weddings and stepfamilies) combined into one emotionally charged incident? Check. A bit of controlling behaviour (tracking phones) thrown in? Check. And most importantly, a one-post wonder OP? Check.

I think I can see where this is going. And actually, I hope it IS a wind-up. It’s pretty depressing to think someone would genuinely consider divorce over this. Imagine - you take on someone else’s child, even though it may be to the detriment of your own children, and knowing her pothead natural father could rear his head to cause trouble at any time… you raise that child for years and then boom - you are put in a horrendous dilemma and your partner, rather than recognising this and trying to support you, stamps her feet like a toddler and cries “divorce”.

This surely can’t be real.

Yes, I don't blame my step mother at all. She's quite nice just has unfortunate taste in weak spineless men. I have more contact with her than dad these days- she's the only reason I ever heard from him on my birthdays etc so we've given up on the effort of even pretending he cares!

Really - the fact of the ultimation makes me think it was the case here in the OP. We've had plenty of bereavement too, makes it even harder to see the level of support dad gives stepsister compared to the fuck all support he gave to bio sister.

I would love to hear the other side of this.

i am not saying this is right or rational or mature - but the raw emotions are probably something along the lines of ……

My dad remarried when I was 6 to a woman who had an eight year old daughter. I really missed my dad already and then all of a sudden he had a new little girl who he lived with full time when I only saw him every other weekend.

He and my mum didn’t really get on so he didn’t go to my parents evenings or school events but he went to everything for this new little girl. They were an instant little unit of three people and my bother and I were firmly on the outside. His new wife and I didn’t really get on and so I hated going to their house.

his new wife kept saying how her daughter needed a dad because hers was useless - but I needed a dad too. No one seemed to understand she got the better deal.

I always thought dad and I would mend the relationship - but now she is getting married. He will be father of the bride and do all those things with her that should be for me - his only daughter. Then she will have children and I know the pattern will repeat. My dad will be an amazing grandparent to her children but when I have children it will be awkward because his wife and I aren’t close. He will be round there every week, he and my step mum will do childcare for them and he will have a really close bond with these other children and will see mine every few months. My children probably won’t even understand he is actually my dad!

i lost it a bit last week and went into a rage about everything I have missed out on and how this girl has basically stolen my dad. My mum and brother intervened and issued my dad an ultimatum. I am not sure what happens next. But I doubt he will pick me. Because he never picks me - always her.

I presume this has come from step daughter and not ex wife.

My stepsister is a selfish bitch just like your SD.

My Stepdad didn't go to my SS wedding - his own daughter - because she didn't want me there with my children - it was in my parents garden! She changed the venue but then invited other family members with their children.

Get her round and find out why she is objecting to this, she is obviously an adult. She doesn't see your DD as family. Has she and your daughter been close, got on or is it a strained relationship?

But this is on your SD not on your husband. Although he should be calling the shots - not his daughter and ex wife.

Curious what did you read in the OP’s post? There s not much detail

OP’s one and only only post was focused on her daughter - what happened with her daughter’s father and how her husband stepped in to fill the void.

there is no information about his relationship with his daughter. No indication if he had 50-50 custody, saw her every other week or indeed once a year. We have no idea if he showed up at school events, hobbies, met her friends growing up. Whether he was there when she was sick or helped with homework.

This is a step mother understandably forcing on her own child. Even if she comes back and clarifies it will not reflect how her step daughter felt - just how she saw it and how she wanted everybody to feel.

Yeah he has two bio children and we’re all really close. We’ve had a lot of bereavement that’s given us quite a lot of determination to prioritise each other, and I totally get that’s not always the case. I also totally get that some dads are pretty shit, and it must be horrendous to watch your dad play happy families with someone else! My reading of the OP though was that wasn’t the case here.

It depends on the relationship between your husband and his daughter, surely, as to whether the ultimatum is unreasonable. If she feels he’s been a crap or barely present dad to her while raising your daughter as his own, it’s reasonable that she is angry and hurt about that. If he’s been a great dad to her (and truly, in every way, not favoured your daughter at all) then she is completely unreasonable.

I mean, I guess framing it as an ultimatum is unreasonable. But the sentiment behind it might not be. It might be less a real ultimatum she expects him to follow, and more just the final proof she needs to justify cutting him off. Which is unreasonable but understandable in some scenarios.

I am so sorry that happened. And it is frustrating that it is such a common tale.

A second wife is often looking for a replacement dad for her children. And, as mumsnet has shown, replacement grandparents.

we do have a tenancy to blame the step
mum in these cases. But it’s the dad who lets his children down, the dad who takes the easy path to keep his wife happy; as the expense of his own children:

this fairy tale blended family where parents love all children equally, no child feels rejected or sidelined and extended family form a deep and instant bond rarely happens in real life. Lovely when it does but so many examples of children feeling left behind.

Same with the 2nd wives happy to push out his children from his first marriage.

Lots of the people trying to see the daughters perspective were stepchildren themselves, not stepmothers.

I grew up in a blended family and I’d be talking to the daughter. I mean DH. Why is she devastated and also giving in doesn’t help her.

@Crazyworldmum i never did get a response

which I suppose really… is a response in itself

of course you can deeply love a step child. Of course you can treat them the same in every day life. And of course that when push came to shove in an emergency… you’d save your biological child over step child

This. It’s fantastic for a girl to have a close relationship with her step dad, unless it means his own children are sidelined.

And descanting a girl as “weird and possessive” in respect of her own father is isnt something id agree with.

As someone whose bioparent sidelined them for their spouse's children, I think there may be more to the story than the OP has shared. Until the OP comes back and answers some questions, it is difficult to tell who is unreasonable here. It seems really extreme that she is ready to divorce her DH if he doesn't walk her DD down the aisle. Like many PP's have pointed out, they all need to have some rational conversations. Instead everyone seems to be having tantrums.

Did DH sideline his DD for OP and her DD?
What kind of relationship does his DD have with him, OP and her DD?
Is ex a troublemaker or is she standing up for her DD?
Are there other marital problems and this is just the final straw for OP?

It's quite easy for you to say as the step daughter with the closenfather figure in your step dad.
Does your step dad have biological children who he sidelined in favour of his new family?
Because it stings to see your father forming a super close relationship with a child he lives with whilst you get to see him every second weekend and sit on the side with all their in jokes etc. My dad is way, way closer to my step sister than hw is is to my sister and I. I don't really care and barely see him these days - my step sister moved a few hours flight away and her mum and my dad followed to stay nearby. But I do think it has impacted my sister quite badly who never really got over the rejection.

Hopefully the OP s failure to return to the thread is because the 2 families have spent the evening discussing this like adukts instead of flinging ultimatums around

I think your own guilt has taken over OP, because her biological father isn't going to do it

Has the relationship with your step daughter been good? Does she resent her father getting married and bringing up your dd?
I think as others have said you should give her away. Getting divorced because of this is very silly. You cant be in a good marriage if such an old fashioned tradition can break you up.
Also imagine how tainted your daughters marriage will be from the start. It will always be associated with your divorce.
That's a lot worse then him not walking her down the isle.
And you essentially blackmailing him into picking your daughter over his daughter is very cruel