Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

So the other stepdad died, which might have contributed to the emotional weather. The stepchildren clearly have a lot of contempt for the bride, and are enjoying spoiling her wedding, which is childish. OP and her DD need to rise above.

And no I cannot imagine acting like this at 33 no matter how much unresolved childhood trauma I had. If he was always a shit dad, fine, go low contact. Don’t fucking blackmail him to try to sabotage your stepsisters wedding (the stepsister you used to take the piss out of and call thick).

Hmmm I wonder (if he’s not spoken to the daughter) whether it’s actually the son who has the issue, not her. She’s apparently devastated and prepared to cut her dad off but it’s her brother who delivers that message. The same brother who flew off the handle about his stepsister using “his name”. They sound like not very nice people to be honest. The OP said they didn’t want to stay over so what was their dad meant to do? Force them? Families break down and their own mum moved on and had more children so presumably they gained a stepdad there. I wonder how they treat him.

I guess the lesson is that some people aren’t kind or welcoming. Most people would have been - not taken their spite out on a child who had no choice about her family set up. If I were the dad I’d definitely go ahead with the plans to walk my DSD down the aisle. If the daughter has an issue she can raise it herself but as I said above, I think it might be more the sons issue.

Oh and it’s definitely jealousy as the reason. At 33 she might actually want to get married, waiting for a proposal etc aan always thought she’d at least be the first that your husband would walk down the aisle.

This all seems like a wedding nightmare. I assume they aren’t coming to the wedding.
I think the way to move forward and compromise, is to say the Husband isn’t now walking your daughter down the aisle. This doesn’t mean he can’t travel in the car with her, pose for photos and walk her into the church/venue. She could then walk with you or herself. Also I would not let the Husband discuss anything else, with his own daughter. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. Do not discuss speeches/toasts etc in case she bans these. If it helps stop telling him stuff so he can say he doesn’t know.

My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things.

Hardly sounds close. Did they stay over? From 10/11 and 13 - just dinner out? That really must have sucked for them.

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.

Once my father-in-law asked my daughter about her A Levels, she explained she was only doing one and then explained about her course. Husband’s nephew had a flash of recognition and called her Btec Betty BiL and SiL looked horrified and exactly a decade later admitted that is what my stepchildren had called her at the time.

There is absolutely nothing I would like more than hearing my stepdaughter’s perspective but my husband won’t ask her. I would also like to know why my paragraphs don’t work.

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.

The very prosaic reason I didn’t return to the thread was I created an account on my work phone, using a suggested password which I couldn’t remember. I left my work phone charging on my desk. I was not the other woman, my stepchildren’s mother was already married with two children (she went on to have a third and is now widowed). The stepchildren were 10/11 and 13 when we married three years after we met.
We moved to a part of London to be near them in a neighbouring county. My husband maintained a close relationship with them. He would drive over two or three times a week to take them to eat and collect them from various things. They were always very polite and kind to my own daughter. While we all went on holiday they weren’t interested in staying over although my stepdaughter did more than my stepson.
They also went away on their own and my in-laws were only interested in seeing them on their own.
when my daughter was 16 she left school and went to an FE college and came back telling me she had used my surname i.e. my married name. This was not official but a year later my stepson saw a record book on the table. He asked my husband to step out to his car and he objected to my daughter using their name. He clearly told his grandfather who also objected. However, my daughter grew out of this phase which lasted for about 18 months.
My daughter does not know any of this. I don’t want to get into the political correctness of giving away, walking down the aisle but I am initially going to ask her if I can do it.
It is very interesting that so many posters say he has to talk to his daughter. He actually refuses to do this. He is fairly jumbled about what happened with his ex but I get the impression none of them actually knew he was going to give her away before this meeting. I believe what the ex says and it’s been confirmed by his son.
My stepdaughter is 33, she and her partner are still training and busy and I don’t think there is any jealousy about going to the alter.