Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

I think the 'Btec Betty' anecdote makes it much clearer why DH has immediately rolled over . The stepsiblings specifically want to hurt DD, not him, so won't change their minds. I wonder if there have been other bullying incidents that OP is unaware of.

That's right. Same as HND (Higher National Diploma) is sometimes derisively referred to as 'Have No Degree'.

It's a Level 5 Qualification, higher than the Level 3 A Level and equal to Year 2 at undergraduate level (4 [Year 1] being the certificate stage, 5 [Year 2], diploma and 6 [Year 3] degree).

People are such snobs. OP's stepchildren don't sound at all pleasant people, but it's clear they are harbouring a huge amount of resentment. Were I in OP's DH's position, I'd want to unpick all that and work on improving it.

Edited for accuracy.

DD started unilaterally using his surname without discussing it with anyone. I understand why she did and I equally understand why his son has a reaction to it, It appears what actually happened was that DD continued doing it and it fizzled out. And if DH had decided he didn’t want her using it because it upset his son that is actually ok.

And it is something that distinguishes a child from step child and as some children had posted on this thread they needed that.

In this case I think it would be preferable that he had a discussion with his daughter but ultimately I think the greatest loyalty his owes is to his kids.

Yep People were asking her and now whining when they dont like the answer

Well people were asking her whether there was any tension or falling out between these women. So it is relevant. Maybe the OP’s daughter also said some mean things. It is pretty nasty to give someone a nickname like that though.

@the7Vabohe took his ex wife’s ultimatum at face value without discussing it with his wife, his daughter or his step daughter. Later on op discusses where her daughter wanted his surname which again was vetoed by his children with no discussion with the people it impacted. By giving in without discussion is the definition of appeasement. And it ruins families, creates huge divides and makes blended families impossible.

Yep that's exactly the response OP wanted by sharing that. I'm sure her daughter never said anything unkind about his kids when she was a teenager.

It is. People are very snobby about alternative post-16 qualifications. It’s like laughing at people for attending a former polytechnic or doing other qualifications than strictly academic one. They’re basically implying that she’s thick.

I’m not from the UK either but I’d assume it’s because it’s seen as lesser than other things.

Not from UK so had to google that. So Btec is a 3rd level qualification right? Not sure why its an insult

Btec Betty? What a vile comment

OP, I would respect his wishes here and not try and get involved by calling his daughter yourself, or by pressuring him to do so.

There’s years of hurt behind this, and confronting it head on has the potential to set off a proverbial bomb. Ignoring his wishes could wreck your marriage, which despite your earlier statement you may not want. Your own daughter is weeks away from getting married and unaware as to what’s going on, but she’s unlikely to remain oblivious if it does blow up and she sees her mother’s marriage disintegrate in the run up to hers, because of hers bringing issues to a head.

Of course it could come out anyway if she insists on wanting your husband to walk her down the aisle. It’s obviously not an easy situation, but it’s one that it’s wiser to approach with caution imo.

I never expected to be thought of the same as my step parents children. I wanted to be treated like you treat any child you're responsible for, making sure they're fed, looked after, clean clothes, got what I needed for school, but never would I expect emotionally to be on the same level as their actual children. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I respected them having time together without me too, without anyone having to ask.

If only emotions were so cut and dried. She does want him in her life - he’s her father and she loves him. She may be angry at him and hurt by his actions, but that doesn’t mean she’s ready to walk away from him, or that she doesn’t badly want to feel valued and loved by her father.

Usually there’s a point of no return that people will reach before they give up hope that a relationship can be salvaged. Him choosing to act as his stepdaughter’s father at her wedding would be his daughter’s point of no return, and she’s communicated that to her mother and brother. The fact that she hasn’t told her father would suggest that she isn’t trying to force his hand, or manipulate him. She was choosing to wait and see what he would do of his own volition.

If the father had remained none the wiser and gone ahead, and his daughter had walked away as a result, she’d still be getting blamed by some for not speaking to him beforehand and making him aware of how she felt 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your dh has really unkind kids. I say kids because they're acting like spoilt little babies. I'd be disgusted with the way they have been with your daughter. Disgusted.

Your husband needs to phone his adult daughter and arrange to meet. He needs to have a conversation with her. She is a grown up. Your husband is a grown up and shouls be able to articulate his wishes with his daughter. Once they hear each other's point of view there will be far more clarity.

Everyone here needs to stop playing Chinese whispers and actually talk!

What is your DH's relationship like with his kids as adults? How often do they see each other? How often do they talk? I have this feeling they don't talk all that often.

Or can't DD and her husband to be just walk together? who needs to be 'given away' anyway nowadays

Agreed. My dd's wedding her own father didn't give her away. Bride and Groom walked in together. Either that or OP could 'give her away' Plenty of Mums do this.

Where’s the evidence the DH has appeased his children?

What type of things does your DH go along with?

This is the best post of the thread. A couple of dinners is not parenting.

Then he is willing to rub salt in the wound and raise another child instead.

The ovaries should shrivel.

Im talking about the mental gymnastics
"you knew he had a kid when you got with him You are family "why cant you look after the kids"

vs here.
"she isnt his daughter anyway"
Its the usual double standard and heres another one "She isnt his daughter" yet in the next breath. "is the stepdaughter invited to the wedding"

I think the issue of separation has evolved due to your DHs attitude. By not speaking to his daughter and son, by appeasing them, by not reassuring that change isn’t a bad thing that their relationship is strong has done both them and you a disservice.

I have a similar blended family situation but my children are a lot younger. We have had similar issues where my DH has gone along with commands from his ex, not because they are the right choices that will benefit everyone but for an easy life. I have been very forthright in my opinion about these things and told gim the implications on his whole family for each time he said yes to something wholeheartedly unreasonable. When I read your op I thought this could happen exactly to me in years to come. I showed him this we discussed the heartbreak it would cause and the division of the family. I said would you allow your daughter and ex to divide the family down these lines? Because your past behaviour suggests you would. It was such a wake up call for him. He now realises how much appeasement can destroy families. I hope in the future his words turn into actions.

its your DH with the problem and he needs to recognise this otherwise I can’t see how your family unit can be anything but divided. Best of luck x

I was thinking about it while ultimatums generally aren’t a good thing if one of my kids was thinking up themselves if she does X I’ll cut her I’d want a heads-up.

Again though I wonder what was said in that conversation that the DH is ashen fizzy & took to the drink.

Sometimes a shock like this one makes a person realise they have been shit and that they haven’t treated someone they claim to love how they should have. The fear of losing them makes them reevaluate their own behaviour.

Plus again the daughter haven’t told the dad she’s just waiting to see if he is going to treat ops daughter as if she is his own again and then cut herself off or not. HER mother is the one who’s given dad the heads up that this is her breaking point of giving up on him. Backed up with confirmation from the brother.

For all we know the daughter will be pissed mums gone and told on her and that dads choice isn’t actually organic.

I’m struggling with the binary nature of it.

I agree though it’s not the way to communicate the message. But her mother did it not her. Also I do wonder what else was said by her mother that the DH is so fuzzy about.