Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

Sure, like OP’s stepdaughter here.

Except he doesn’t want it now that he’s been made aware of how much it would hurt his daughter. He’s chosen to prioritize her, she hasn’t made him.

I’m not sure that badmouthing his daughter would bode well for her relationship with her stepfather.

Do you ever consider the step children in anything?

If I were your DD and my stepdad (who raised me) and I were being prevented from having a moment that we both wanted at my wedding, by a jealous woman stamping her little feet, I would be making sure everyone knew about it. I hope the OP’s daughter is a lot nicer than me, or the speeches could get very interesting.

Who are you accusing of having double standards? I’d have the same opinion if the DH in this scenario was a DW.

No one is saying the relationship will be magically fixed. Not walking his stepdaughter down the aisle will however prevent it from being irreparably harmed. In deciding not to act as father of the bride, he now has the opportunity to work on rebuilding and strengthening his relationship with his daughter instead of losing it.

As if it isn’t hurtful enough for the DD to already be facing the big fuck you of ‘my REAL daughter doesn’t want me to walk you down the aisle so I won’t be’. It’s really going to show DD exactly where she stands

Good! She didn’t bother to consider her step sisters feelings did she? Her feelings are no more important than the other daughters.

The poor girl has already been abandoned by one dad who is now dead, why isn’t anyone putting themselves in her shoes?

I was exactly in her shoes when I got married, my dad died when I was the same age and everything. I asked a friend who was also my friend’s Dad to walk me down the aisle, but I asked the girlfriend who was the same age as me if it would be ok first. That’s just basic consideration for someone else’s feelings. When she said yes and I asked her Dad, his response was rightly ‘Thank you for asking and I’d love to walk you down the aisle but I will only do it if my dd is t upset by it’. I was able to reassure him that I’d already checked, but still didn’t take it as a done deal until they had had a chance to talk to each other about it, and I would have graciously accepted a no if either of them had been at all uncomfortable with it.

I have not spoken to my daughter and while I am seeing her on Sunday we won’t be alone. When I see her alone I will ask about my walking with her. If she still prefers my husband. I will have to tell her the truth.
My husband only lived with his ex for about 4 years. They were still together when she and the children moved in with her parents so she could continue studying.
Posters have the idea that they never stayed with us and didn’t have their own rooms- they did but they preferred to be where they were settled and had siblings. My stepson lived with us for about 18 months when he had a placement in London.
The idea of family therapy is deeply ironic if you knew his career.
My husband is already a grandfather and my daughter and I have no honorific and he had to see the baby ( there is another one on the way) alone for the first time. I was hurt but accepted it.
I also accept that my stepdaughter wants the giving away etc to be unique to her and her father. She might be jealous but def not jealous of the actual my daughter getting married business.
I totally believe ex’s version of events and this has been confirmed by son. I don’t think either of them or my stepdaughter want to punish my daughter but my stepdaughter is upset.
I surmise but husband doesn’t know that stepdaughter doesn’t know they have spoken. Ex asked my husband if he had a role in wedding. As people have guessed there are objections to everything not just the aisle business but the speech. This came from stepson not ex. I firmly believe that stepson is thinking of his sister.
We have no further children not for want of trying.
There have been two contacts with social workers/ mediums one very recently, telling my own daughter that she has half-siblings from her father but she has no interest.
Ex has never troubled us and I have only met her in passing but she is my cousin’s and neighbours’ dentist and they recommended her to me (they don’t know the connection although I told my cousin after).
Both step children and their partners are invited to wedding.
I might appear to be more reasoned in this post but I am distraught.
The fact that my husband sees them frequently still as adults and they both moved to London proves this.

Very well put.

@WickedMotherofthebride - what does your husband give as the reason for not wanting to talk to his daughter about all this?

The double standards here are crazy. If a Stepmum was going to walk her SD (who she'd essentially raised and who's mother had passed away) down the aisle but then Stepmum's DD said she wouldn't speak to her if she did it, the Stepmum would be utterly vilified for just ditching her SD!

No doubt there will have been hugely complex feelings for his children over the years, and their Father likely could have been a better support at the time so these things didn't build up. That isn't OP's fault, and it isn't her DD's fault either.

All too often the men "squirrel" and won't actually address anything difficult with their children, even if it is with the ultimate aim of improving the relationship. And surprise surprise, it sounds like this is what he is doing now.

The relationship with his DD will not be magically fixed if he doesn't walk his SD down the aisle.

@WickedMotherofthebride are you and DH able to discuss this yet?

Exactly. Poor woman - she has done nothing wrong and didn’t ask for this and she’s the one who gets hurt the most. Biology is not important- any idiot can father a child but to actually raise and parent a child is something else. Her own father died and this was who she saw as her dad when growing up. If everyone is so understanding about the other woman’s childhood hurt, why should the stepdaughter not be afforded the same courtesy?

This sort of thing also happens where it’s not a step sibling but a half sibling and the older sibling is jealous and feels resentment and directs it at their brother or sister. Some younger half siblings get treated horribly in the process where the parents are trying to keep the older siblings happy. The point is that if you are an adult and you find yourself having childish feelings like this, the proper thing to do is put a lid on them, have therapy if you need but don’t start issuing cruel ultimatums that hurt innocent people. As children, nobody chooses their family set up.

Exactly. Poor woman - she has done nothing wrong and didn’t ask for this and she’s the one who gets hurt the most. Biology is not important- any idiot can father a child but to actually raise and parent a child is something else. Her own father died and this was who she saw as her dad when growing up. If everyone is so understanding about the other woman’s childhood hurt, why should the stepdaughter not be afforded the same courtesy?

This sort of thing also happens where it’s not a step sibling but a half sibling and the older sibling is jealous and feels resentment and directs it at their brother or sister. Some younger half siblings get treated horribly in the process where the parents are trying to keep the older siblings happy. The point is that if you are an adult and you find yourself having childish feelings like this, the proper thing to do is put a lid on them, have therapy if you need but don’t start issuing cruel ultimatums that hurt innocent people. As children, nobody chooses their family set up.

The feelings of OP's daughter are hardly mentioned in any of these comments. He's the only Dad she really knows (biology is such a tiny part of parenting really) and she wants him to walk her down the aisle - totally understandable and not at all unreasonable. SD has had an emotional reaction to this - understandable maybe - but really not reasonable (or mature for a 33 year old). But they don't sound particularly nice people so perhaps to be expected. I find the whole issue over the name really petty and childish too. It doesn't take anything from them if SD uses their surname. Just seems mean.

She hasn’t asked him to choose. Her mother and brother told him her feelings seemingly without her knowledge.

Sitting down and telling her she shouldn’t feel what she does won’t change her feelings, and going ahead and walking his stepdaughter down the aisle will cost him his relationship with his child. Sometimes you can’t just offer reassurance and get everything the way you want it to be, and you do actually have to make a choice.

Refusing to choose here would end badly, as he would lose his child. Choosing doesn’t always ‘end badly’ either, as that’s entirely dependent on the context. It can be a moment of realization (as it appears to be here), and the first step to rebuilding something damaged.

exactly.

asking someone to choose between you and another person will only ever end badly, whatever the relationship. The “pick me”’dance.

surely better to sit down with his dd, find out why this is such a big deal to her, and address it. If she’s feeling what pp are saying like sharing her dad etc, then some reassurance that walking sd down the aisle doesn’t mean he loves her less. She’s 33.

sounds like they need some family counselling, healthier than demanding people do things to “prove” they love them most.

In my experience, children that don’t want overnight contact with one parent have a reason more complex than not wanting two homes.

And what do you do when the child doesn’t want overnight contact? Which some children don’t - they prefer having one home and one base. Do you force them? Some people will stick their kids in front of the telly or tablet and not interact much with them at all so overnight contact doesn’t by itself mean that there is a close relationship between parent and child. It’s so hard to have a hard and fast rule with this based purely on the geographical location that the contact takes place.

No, this is what happens when you become a full time parent to someone else's child and your actual children who you only see at weekends feel like they're been replaced and you love this other child more.

This entire situation is because the daughter doesn't feel special or precious to her father, she's had to share everything with OP's daughter, and wants one thing that's just between them.

See I think you’re giving her way too much credit and excusing this shit. Some people have truly shitty lives and deal with so much more than not staying over at dad’s house and still manage to act like mature adults and with a bit of class. Oh well. Probably not worth debating it further.

Because him playing a role that was traditionally for the father of the bride symbolises something for SD in these circumstances. It’s you were daddy to this other girl and not me. And here you go again.

Not doing it likely will upset DD but doing it will upset his own daughter.

And his reaction to whatever the ex communicated was to say he can’t do it, and that is not to be overlooked either. And the Op has calmed down and is thinking she will do it, and it seems that would likely be the best course of action.

And both the OP and DH can talk to DD and explain that it is not about her or how DH feels about her, but that his daughter missed out on a lot growing up and is dealing with a lot of emotion.

telling her that it doesn’t mean he loves what less isn’t going to make up for it. It happened, its not like he gets a do-over

But will him refusing to do something for your step sibling make it better/make up for it? I don’t get how asking her dad to not be in his stepdaughters wedding will in any way make up for whatever wrong she feels he has done. It won’t make things better, it’s just spiteful and will upset his stepdaughter more than anything. If both women were getting married on the same day and she asked her dad to choose to attend her wedding instead of the SD I’d get it. But that’s not the case here.