Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

Do you really think that, when SD comes to the wedding and DH does no father of the bride duties, but is there only as your plus one, she will believe that was his choice? Its a conventional thing for a stepfather to do, so everyone in the room will be wondering what on earth he did, to be cut out.

It sounds like you are clear on a lot of things in your head, but maybe struggling with how your step-kids see you. I was struck by the grandchild knows we are not randoms comment.

So they are indifferent to your daughter but they are polite enough to take her drink of choice into account.

Is the dynamic akin to they treat you as family friends and as this polite but don’t see you as family & are not inclusive beyond a certain point? And they make a point about ensuring that dynamic is recognised?

And you are hurt by this? I’m not saying you are wrong to be btw emotions are just emotions.

Breaking confidences is less important than fixing relationships. Your husband is hiding behind that as an excuse because he doesn’t want to face the situation.

He has caused all of this I think - his unwillingness to deal with any of this and face the issues has made it like this

and don’t you think she may well be aware and that her mother and brother did this in order to try and prompt him to speak to her.

because frankly he should have done so at the start. Any decent father would be aware this could be an issue and raised it with her.

The phrase Give her Away makes my stomach turn.

He’s between a rock and a hard place isn’t he? His dd being the rock and you being the hard place.

Oh come on! What's the point in making such an extreme threat if you don't intend it to reach its target? She knows what her flying monkeys will have been up to.

Now that the threat extends to other aspects of the wedding, you really need to tell your DD. If I was her I'd be telling the spineless twat not to bother to turn up at all.

You met these children when they were 7 and 10, your husband collected them 3 times per week and it appears they stayed over very little. They were polite to your daughter but it appears even back then, they were creating boundaries, which they are allowed to do.

You married their father but it doesn't make you their family. In an ideal world, you would all get on brilliantly, but it's real life. I think it would be obvious you wouldn't be getting called granny or auntie. It appears as if they don't think of the two of you like that. Again, that's allowed.

I would accept the boundaries they have created and move on. Speak to your daughter and try and create as little drama as you can so she can enjoy her wedding.
Your husband has made his decision to put his biological daughter first, as hard as that is, I agree with him.

It's a shame the families didn't merge better when these kids were younger, maybe you wouldn't be in this position.

@WickedMotherofthebride your DH may have been told these things in confidence but it wouldn’t break that confidence for him to call his daughter up and say something like: ‘stepdaughter is getting married and has asked me to walk her down the aisle and give a speech. I’ve been in her life since she was 8 and am the only dad she knows so I’m honoured to do this but appreciate that you are my daughter and I don’t want to cause any upset by not running this past you first. Is this something you’ve thought about or does it not bother you?’
It’s unclear why he can’t have such a conversation with his daughter, it breaks no confidences and is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do in the circumstances. All the cloak and dagger secrets is making this more dramatic than it needs to be.

There is absolutely nothing stopping him going to her and saying that your daughter has asked him and he is there to see how she feels about it because he recognising that she is his daughter and he wants to make sure she is ok with it.

Hell he should have done that at the start because I suspect him not is part of the issue.

there has been no attempt to blend here and that is on him. He could speak to her because the fact she is struggling with this isn’t a surprise or a shock and is something he should be aware of anyway

That's sad. Have you ever questioned this?

Do you think the ex has been going with the narrative here?

telling her children he’s moved on, he has a new family now etc etc?

my brothers ex did this to him unbeknownst to him. He thought things were fine for years until she went to uni and stopped contact. Apparently his ex had always told her it was him that left and set up a new family, he never paid anything because he was too busy with his new family etc. she’d manipulate by telling DB she couldn’t come round as she had homework, or she was spending too much time with him, and who knows what she was saying about why contact was cancelled. nothing blatant, but a drip drip drip over many years that cumulated in her thinking everything posters here have been saying- when it was his ex keeping him away.

Jesus Christ. His daughter is an adult. Why can’t he just talk to her for the love of god rather than all this mystery and intrigue and big brother being the apparent mouthpiece etc.

have an effing conversation with the daughter. Tell her what people are saying in her behalf and ask her if that’s how she really feels.

Does his grandson visit your house?

It sounds like the bio children still mentally see their family unit as just their mum and dad and, by choosing not to stay over much as kids, have never accepted their step sister as part of their family unit. Hence the son being unhappy at seeing his surname on her college text book. The somewhat cruel Btec Betty was given to make them feel superior - she lives with our dad but she’s not our equal.

it’s interesting that the son did live with you for 18 months and he is now the mediator / informant in this situation. And clearly needed his mum to help break the news on this as feels more caught in the middle. The fact SD feels so strongly yet wouldn’t discuss this herself with her dad is telling (I think I am reading it right that there has been no direct discussion with you DH and his DD) or perhaps she has a history of getting other family members to do her bidding and is simply behaving like she always has by manipulating the family’s behaviour?

Your DH needs to discuss it with his DD and ask her to see it from your daughter’s point of view. But it will be hard as your SD has spent decades minimising your daughter’s position in her family and now this wedding would force her to see ‘publicly’ how close her dad’s relationship with another daughter is. Perhaps there is a compromise - is the aisle wide enough for both of you to walk her? - but he needs to talk to his daughter directly and alone before making any decisions about the wedding.

I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt his daughter. But it doesn't necessarily follow that he now doesn't want to be the father figure at his stepdaughter's wedding. The op's husband has been put in a really horrible situation where he is being forced to choose between two people he loves. Awful.

Okay 🙂

You are free to believe what you like.

Once again OP, you seem to be avoiding the question as to WHY your DH won't speak to his DD directly about this.

Why do you so firmly believe the story that the ex and you SS have told your DH? Is there more to this than you've actually posted, as by the nastiness displayed by your SS, I wouldn't be at all surprised?

You say that you don't think that your SD knows that her Mum & Brother have told her Dad this 'story'. So what if it isn't true? What if your step son is just stirring the pot, which I personally think is highly likely from his previous behaviour?

For goodness sake, before disappointing your own DD, at least get some clarity on the situation, even if you have to call your SD yourself, and ask her. It doesn't have to be nasty, you can just say you understand that she's unhappy at the prospect of her Dad walking your daughter down the aisle, and then don't say anything else until she responds. (If this isn't a tactic you're familiar with, it's well known that people can't bear silence in a conversation, so will 99% of the time, say something to fill it). If she says she doesn't want to talk about, then fair enough, go ahead and speak to your daughter about you walking her down the aisle, if that's how you want to resolve this, but please at least confirm that this isn't her dear brother shit stirring, as from what I've read, unless I've missed something, it doesn't seem like your SD, is the one who has been nasty about your DD at all.

OP has not said that he’s upset because he wanted those moments with his stepdaughter. His distress may very well be for his daughter, and/or because he isn’t relishing the fallout with OP.