Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex H not paying maintenance

33 replies

Hol12 · 29/04/2025 13:57

Afternoon,

Background info on situation. Ex H & I split over 3 years ago, divorced around 18 months ago. We have 2 DD 14 and 9. After some initial teething problems finding a routine that suited us all we settled on 50/50 with the girls and things went fairly smoothly until late last year. DD9 was unhappy going to Dad's on his weekdays as he works long ish hours and she doesnt get on with SM who was looking after her after school until Dad got home. After a lot of upset from DD we finally agreed that she would stay with me on all weekdays and go to Dad's every other weekend. Ex was unhappy with this and took a lot of perusasion but but eventually agreed for the sake of her happiness in November 2024. I never asked for child maintenance from him based on the fact it was not his choice and he hoped it would be temporary. However we're now 5 months in and DD is very happy with how things are and doesn't want to change back to original arrangements. I decided to ask Ex for a small financial contribution based on the fact that I have her 80% of the time. He has gone absolutely mad, shocked at my request, can't believe I've asked and it's an absolute no, he has the children this coming weekend and he's saying he's going to talk to DD and she will be going back to him 50/50 as per original arrangement.
Im really upset that he's willing to put money before DD's feelings. Does she have any rights at 9 years old to have her views validated?
For context, DD14 still happy enough to go to Dad's although also doesn't get on with SM, she does a hobby both weekdays they are at Dad's so doesn't affect her as much.
I live in the village where DD goes to school, I am at home every day after school. She can walk to friends houses, park etc with friends. Dad does only live 5/10 minute drive away but she doesn't have friends there.

AIBU- because it wasn't his choice and he would like her 50/50 I shouldn't have asked?

OP posts:
IamGrout · 29/04/2025 15:53

Go to CMS and tell him no to going back to 50/50. You will do what is best for DD9 and that is weekdays at yours.

PetrovaRabbit · 29/04/2025 15:42

Is the problem that he doesn’t want to spend more money or that he doesn’t like the idea of the money going to you?
Obviously he should be paying you child support based on number of nights spent at years to help reflect the increased costs of having her with you for dinner, showers, general household wear and tear and all that. But if he would willingly take on some other expense of hers, or the full amount of it rather than half of it, then that might have the same effect on your finances and keep your co-parenting relationship happier.
Could be her bus pass or school lunches, or club/activity fees. Wrap round care fees is she goes, or holiday program fees if you use them to allow you to work in the school holidays.

PositiveLife · 29/04/2025 15:30

Fwiw I was in a similar situation (although it was the oldest child so a little bit older than yours). CMS were actually helpful with this. They said as it had been amicable until that point that they could log my call and suggest he rings them to discuss...they advised him it was better to pay it amicably so that if she changes her mind next week, it can revert right away, through them it'll take months to do a recalculation and stuff.

You still have the option to claim through them if he doesn't ring or doesn't listen to them.

Fireandflames · 29/04/2025 15:14

CMS. He is completely is the wrong and is being selfish putting money above his child's needs.

Zanatdy · 29/04/2025 14:43

Tell him you won’t be returning to that arrangement and if he is willing to upset his DD over money then he’s a knob. Go to the CMS.

ThejoyofNC · 29/04/2025 14:01

Just go to CMS.

MellowPinkDeer · 29/04/2025 14:00

You’re not unreasonable. He is. Things have changed. Go to the CMs direct and hopefully that will move things along.

Original poster
Hol12 · 29/04/2025 14:00

Just to add he is a good Dad, does lots with them, buys clothes etc. I also get all the child benefit for both children, he briefly complained about this a couple of years ago to which i told him to contact child benefit to see if they could split it but he never did...

OP posts: