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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

404 replies

WingardiumDoubleToaster · 29/04/2025 10:37

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 29/04/2025 13:16

notgoig2careanymore · 29/04/2025 12:58

Am glad to read these comments ! In MN world ,people have very low expectations from fellow human beings ! In the real world that I live in ,it would be a perfectly normal expectation that friends,family etc at least ask how you are occasionally and ask about general baby stuff 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I certainly have low expectations of my own in-laws. Had this been otherwise I'd have ended up quite disappointed.

Newhere5 · 29/04/2025 13:15

I’d be delighted with that OP!
My MIL took sudden interest in me when I was pregnant, she os a lovely woman but I felt quite suffocated with it all and wished she just treated me as before.
I don’t think your In laws are dping anything wrong

LillyPJ · 29/04/2025 13:13

My parents didn't get involved in my pregnancy, which didn't bother me at all. If I'd needed help, I'm sure they would have obliged. Otherwise, maybe they think no news is good news?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 29/04/2025 13:13

@WingardiumDoubleToaster and you want them more involved??? why???????????? your mil sounds like she would be a nightmare if you allowed her to be involved at all! your partner/husband most likely already knows this!

Hellosaidfred · 29/04/2025 13:11

WingardiumDoubleToaster · 29/04/2025 13:06

I’ve responded and said we did before I was pregnant. We have also continued to invite them/text them etc. They’re also aware that I’ve had a difficult pregnancy with health challenges.

Show quote history

Ok, sorry I should have read the whole thread.

I think your DH needs to reach out and ask why the sudden disinterest and also set boundaries for when baby is here x

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 29/04/2025 13:11

I have never been pregnant. But I suspect that her opinions would great annoy me.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

this sounds like too much to me.

I don’t think you’re reasonable to expect more.
But I would expect less of this.
Especially if you two aren’t particularly close / she is not involved in your „pregnancy journey“ (I’m using pregnancy journey due to lacking a better term right now. I’m aware that it sounds potentially wanker-ish…)

Original poster
WingardiumDoubleToaster · 29/04/2025 13:11

angsty · 29/04/2025 13:04

I have no in-laws (dead) and when I was pregnant my mother never called me, I only called her (she is on a different country and in 35 years of this being the case she has never called me once, so that is not unusual, I would never have expected her to). Nice and calm, no hassles.

In my case, however, my in-laws are very much alive and we usually (pre-pregnancy) benefit from a fairly close (see them frequently) relationship.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 29/04/2025 13:10

I’d let this go to be honest - but get ready to deal with the rubbish that they’re already signalling. Decide now how you’re handling the hospital and name announcements. DH said no to his parents coming two hours after DS1 was born as I’d had a second degree tear. He said they were welcome the next day - they were a bit upset as they had a wedding that day but he held firm. We made it clear in a joky kind of way beforehand that we were deciding on names and would entertain no suggestions. Schools can wait …

Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 13:10

My in laws definitely treated me like an incubator and still do to this day. They will speak to my children and never to me, when my son was a baby they would ask him questions and expect him to answer 😂 its the only time they were ever interested in anything i had to say when i was answering for my baby. In laws also made these stupid assumptions a out having baby stay over etc, never spoke to me about their assumptions, think “im not interested in you but give me the baby” don’t be a doormat, remind them that you are a living breathing human being responsible for giving life to their grandchild and to please treat you accordingly

Bigfatsunandclouds · 29/04/2025 13:08

Viviennemary · 29/04/2025 12:27

It's a bit weird sending them scans. Unless there's a problem I can't see why they need to check on you. You've got your DH there. Sorry don't get it at all.

It's not weird to send scan photos to your family FGS. MN is a different world sometimes.

MrsPerfect12 · 29/04/2025 13:06

Maybe the SIL messaged the MIL directly and MIL feels it's okay to text back and forwards.
as the messages are coming from your DH maybe she doesn't feel she has that same rapport.

Original poster
WingardiumDoubleToaster · 29/04/2025 13:06

Hellosaidfred · 29/04/2025 13:04

Yes this!

Kindly I think the above is the perfect response. I’d be surprised if you were meeting at each others houses every few weeks but you live a couple of minutes away and haven’t seen each other in 5 months? Why is that?

Being a mum myself I know that your pregnancy is the most important thing right now in your life but most people (in some situations the parents of the unborn child too) don’t bond or have interest until baby is here. Every baby looks the same in scan photos.

Show quote history

I’ve responded and said we did before I was pregnant. We have also continued to invite them/text them etc. They’re also aware that I’ve had a difficult pregnancy with health challenges.

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 29/04/2025 13:05

WingardiumDoubleToaster · 29/04/2025 10:59

Oh I’m sorry to hear that! They didn’t speak to you once?

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Just normal contact and conversation. Not specifically asking about the baby.

Hellosaidfred · 29/04/2025 13:05

Hellosaidfred · 29/04/2025 13:04

Yes this!

Kindly I think the above is the perfect response. I’d be surprised if you were meeting at each others houses every few weeks but you live a couple of minutes away and haven’t seen each other in 5 months? Why is that?

Being a mum myself I know that your pregnancy is the most important thing right now in your life but most people (in some situations the parents of the unborn child too) don’t bond or have interest until baby is here. Every baby looks the same in scan photos.

Show quote history

Adding to my comment they haven’t seen you since 4 months pregnant? I’m really interested to know why you hardly see each other

angsty · 29/04/2025 13:04

I have no in-laws (dead) and when I was pregnant my mother never called me, I only called her (she is on a different country and in 35 years of this being the case she has never called me once, so that is not unusual, I would never have expected her to). Nice and calm, no hassles.

Hellosaidfred · 29/04/2025 13:04

Derbee · 29/04/2025 12:48

You live walking distance away, and haven’t seen them since Christmas? You don’t have a close relationship with them at all. I’d find it strange if they were asking you about your pregnancy when you clearly don’t have much to do with eachother.

Many find it easy to fall into the trap of believing their pregnancy is the most important important thing in everyone’s lives. I’m afraid it’s not.

Enjoy your pregnancy, and don’t spend it overthinking about silly things like this.

Yes this!

Kindly I think the above is the perfect response. I’d be surprised if you were meeting at each others houses every few weeks but you live a couple of minutes away and haven’t seen each other in 5 months? Why is that?

Being a mum myself I know that your pregnancy is the most important thing right now in your life but most people (in some situations the parents of the unborn child too) don’t bond or have interest until baby is here. Every baby looks the same in scan photos.

JudgeJ · 29/04/2025 13:02

catsand · 29/04/2025 11:00

You’re expecting way too much. My in laws didn’t ’check in’ on me during my pregnancies and I didn’t expect them to.

This thread just proves that in-laws can do nothing right! What's too much and what's too little? Dealing with DILs is a bit like walking through a mine-field on MN!

cavalier · 29/04/2025 13:02

You’re pregnant and priority should be you and bubba .. don’t get stressed .. it’s essential
Congratulations

MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 13:00

I think the issue may or may not be pregnancy related, but it's got nothing to do with them not "checking in" with you. If, pre pregnancy, you saw them regularly, were invited over etc, and that has now stopped, THAT is the issue surely. It may well be that it has stopped because ofyour pregnancy. It might be something completely unrelated. But for whatever reason, they have withdrawn. So I would 100% not expect my MIL to send me text messages while pregnant etc, but then, if she lived a few minutes down the road, I WOULD expect to be seeing her and talking to her in passing on a regular basis.

Personally, I think your Dh should say something, "Mum and dad, we've noticed you're not keen on comign over here and we haven' tbeen invited to yours much the last year - is something going on? have we made you feel like we don't want to spend time witn you or have we upset you in some way?"

Because you can't address the issues with them seeming to be all over grandchild, if you haven' tfirst addressed whatever's goign on between the adults.

Lascivious · 29/04/2025 12:59

I don’t know if my parents or in-laws did much ‘reaching out’ or ‘checking in’ when I was pregnant. Life continued as normal with no fuss.

SerafinasGoose · 29/04/2025 12:58

Your MiL was being considerate when she asked you whether she could tell a particular person before doing so. They've also given you various gifts for the baby. It's possible that they are treading a fine line here rather than risk being 'interfering', and I'd rather have them this way than overly pushy.

However. It appears that they are doing that, too. The baby isn't even born and already they are giving their very decided input on names, schools and overnight stays. As for coming to the hospital immediately, my MiL tried that trick and DH set her straight without even needing to speak to or involve me. It was an instant response borne out of complete surprise: along the lines of laughter and 'are you joking?'

MiL can make things as clear as she likes: those boundaries are for you to set in ways with which you and DH alone are comfortable. I suggest having that conversation with him sooner rather than later.

There's a lot of balance and a fine line to be trodden here. You don't want to alienate them but you are the mother, not an incubator (and I do very much understand why you are presently feeling like this). The baby is not MiL's interpretation of 'my girl' (bit of a warning flag there) - she is your child and will be raised according to your rules.

I hope the remainder of your pregnancy runs smoothly and that your DH has your back.

notgoig2careanymore · 29/04/2025 12:58

GoingToGraceland · 29/04/2025 12:21

Are you new here? On MN the rule is nobody should expect anyone, especially close family, god forbid, to be even the tiniest bit interested in pregnancies, grandchildren, weddings, birthdays, deaths etc.

Meanwhile, in the real world, it's extremely normal, and actually pretty common, to ask a pregnant relation how she is, to be excited about grandchildren, to want to hear about wedding plans, to celebrate birthdays etc.

I knew how this thread would go as soon as I read it. This place is a strange parallel universe at times.

Show quote history

Am glad to read these comments ! In MN world ,people have very low expectations from fellow human beings ! In the real world that I live in ,it would be a perfectly normal expectation that friends,family etc at least ask how you are occasionally and ask about general baby stuff 🤷‍♀️

Catsandcannedbeans · 29/04/2025 12:57

Mine did a lot for me and checked in. They live much closer than my mum (my mum is an 7 hour drive away, it takes her 6 but she’s a speed demon) and my MIL in particular was really helpful when I was horrifically morning sick. My own mother was just like “Yhe I was morning sick as well lol it will be a bumpy ride” so I was very thankful. However we always did a lot for them over our relationship like helping renovate and dog sit ect. I am form a very close family so I always actively tried to marry into another close family because it’s a big deal for me.

MyLittleNest · 29/04/2025 12:57

Also adding, if you are not close, then are you comfortable having someone barge into the room right after labor?

You need to make it clear with DH when they are allowed in. It's ultimately a major medical process for you.

It would be different if you were close and WANTED her to stick her head in right afterwards.

WhatNoRaisins · 29/04/2025 12:56

Sounds like a case of wanting to have their cake and eat it. I'd be putting in boundaries for when the baby is born. Personally I've never been convinced that you can be a good grandparent whilst treating the child's mum poorly.