Nosy neighbour?

Let's maybe not use a gentle parenting tactic on a toxic old woman. "oi, Agnes, stay away from my rosebushes" shouldn't have to simper and ask these types nicely.

She seems like a kind old lady or someone whose kindness comes with toxic traits. You need to set some boundaries, worse thing you can do is raise her hopes and make her plan and then you say no. You need to tell her that you don’t want your dog confused and train him not to go into her garden etc. Maybe when you say no you could hand her the pamphlet (or website) of a local dog shelter etc??

As for the constant chatting and the pruning of the roses you need to nip that in the bud… something like ‘oh hi there Agnes, just popped out to the garden for some me time’ or ‘thanks Agnes, i was looking forward to pruning the roses myself, is it okay to please leave that for me next time?’

I’d be annoyed too but she’s being kind, just lacking boundaries and social skills. Probably can’t stand being alone and assumes you the same. I’d make a point of chatting to her for a few minutes whenever is convenient to you so that it’s easier when she calls you from the window to say sorry that you have a bit of work to finish or calls to make. Just say you like pruning your own roses.

Ok, enjoy yout life, just different how I would like mine- wouldn’t trade my neighbours for the world, but I’m just lucky x

Maybe it was a roundabout way of saying it though? I can’t imagine she would be seriously thinking of taking your dog. Hopefully you can find a way to be good neighbors but not too intrusive

I wouldn't use platitudes when it comes to the garden. It's not "lovely" or "kind" that she barges over and takes secaturs to someone else' plants. It's vandalism, quite frankly.

"Jane, I need to ask you bluntly to not do any gardening on my property. I have a plan for the flower beds and the roses, and I prefer to take care of them myself. Thanks for understanding."

I can confidently say that of the 10 or so houses within direct eyeshot of my own, no one living in them has EVER been in any of the other houses in all of the time I have lived here. It's just not done.

The only exception is the 92-year-old widow across the street; her son and grandson stop by a couple of times a day but my other neighbour who is a GP has gone in to check on the widow from time to time if we don't see her pottering about her garden. I have gone into the widow's house at her request to see some new decor or whatever, but that's about it.

It is the norm here. The people next door to me have rented for 14 years, as they mentioned the other day when we chatted about a stray cat. I have never set foot in there and it would not occur to me to do so.

Of course my friends come into my house. I just petsat a friend's little dog for a week and several people came over to see it and walk it with me. I have people around for drinks and dinner or to sit in the back garden at least once a week. I simply do not want people nearby, with whom I have little in common, becoming a part of my personal life. It's not really as unusual as you think.

You are applying your own values and sappy, maudlin thinking to my completely unrelated situation. How absurd.

No one here feels "unfortunate." We all work, have busy lives, have our own interests and responsibilities.

I also am well aware of the pitfalls of becoming to entertwined with neighbours only to have it go belly up should a disagreement, political difference etc. get in the way. Better to keep things civil, polite and distant all around. I far prefer privacy to having people who just happen to live nearby all involved in my business. Nor do I wish to be privy to theirs. A brief chat when we put out the bins is plenty.

well, i can only say it's unfortunate that none of your neighbours in a place where you have lived for 3 decades has merited treatment commensurate to friendship. I have tended to find friendships in all sorts of places, work, school, children' parents and yes EVEN amongst the people who share my close community... i appreciate my street is probably on the friendlier side but i love it (as do they!). Easier i guess that it's a cobbled street with cottages with small front gardens so one's interactions with the neighbours are very frequent...

I’d handle the garden issue much more directly rather than ignoring her and it being awkward. If she starts talking to you in the garden, I’d just say something like, ‘It’s been such a busy morning/day/week, I’m really looking forward to some quiet me-time to read/meditate/garden.’ Then politely wrap it up with, ‘Hope you have a lovely day, see you later!’ Hopefully, after doing this a few times, she’ll get the message that you’d prefer to be left alone.

Neighbours are "there" because we happened to purchase nearby property to one another, not because we are necessarily suited for deep friendships or wish to use one another for favours. It's happenstance. I have plenty of friends anywhere from a five-minute to five-hour drive away, and beyond. There is no need to force a friendship on people with whom I have nothing in common but a similar street address.

of course you are entitled to whatever kind of relationship you want... but i don't think it's the norm to have NEVER had a neighbour inside your house in 3 decades.. Of course it's fine to do what you want, I just really don't think that is socially normal... Is ANYONE else allowed in your house?

Just because I don't want them involved in my comings & goings, or having access to my house, doesn't mean there is any hostility. We chat and wave but we aren't in one another's business. It's not just me, most people keep to themselves. I did drive an elderly widow to A&E a few times but she is gone now and everyone is independent. And like it that way.

I have been here 28 years and no neighbour has ever set foot over my doorstep, nor I theirs. Nor anyone else from what I can see. And if I need assistance with anything, it's preferable to hire it so that I can firmly dictate how a job is done rather than accepting well-intentioned but incompetent help.

Op please nip this in the bud as best you can now , speaking from experience, this screams narc control freak, ours was like this and then she fell out with us literally over us helping another neighbour (some kind of jealousy), and has made our lives hell harrassing us for the past 18mths. She was like this to start with then love bombing started (gifts for me etc) she drew me in, I just didn't see it and thought she was just being nice

Please cut her off as best you can respectfully, I would hate anyone else going through what we are at the moment and I wish we had seen warning signs ages ago xx

"it takes a village"? Fair enough to not want to join in your community but.... isn't that what neighbours (non weird ones) are there for? everybody needs good neighbours. Just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day.
Neighbours need to get to know each other, Next door is only a footstep away.

Then next time she says something like that say "No you wont, that's a peculiar thing to say"

My neighbours are lovely too, I just don’t care to depend upon them, use them for favours or have them involved in my private life.

But there's a difference between that and the OP not being able to sit in her garden without the neighbour shouting from an upstairs window!

I believe the legal term is that people are allowed 'peaceful enjoyment' of their homes. The OP is not being allowed this.

I must be weird! I would love it if my neighbors offered to borrow my dogs, for example if going out for a long day or weekend away. It’s really useful to have good helpful neighbors. I think it’s an age thing. Older people have always lived like this and helped and socialised with each orher

I think an awning or gazebo is a good idea.

Not so much over bearing as just too much.
Perhaps she thinks you are lonely.

Youll just have to get up each time she chats and make an excuse that you have a call to make go inside, and then go out again, straight after.
Just tell her you are relaxing/ reading or gardening, and then gently ignore
Surely she will take the hint
And at least she is pleasant

Ive Got a nosey neighbour who passes comment on everything I do and it’s cheeky.. so I was borderline cheeky back. And I blocked her on social media so she couldn’t send me messages. she didn’t have my number.

I think you should block her number and if she says why haven’t you replied just say you have a new number as were getting too many chatty messages/sales calls and tell her she doesn’t need it as she lived next door.

wear headphones in the garden and if she tries to talk tell her you’re listening to an audio book. Tell her straight that your dog is your pet and doesn’t go anywhere.

you may need to be borderline rude as she’s being rude by not respecting your boundaries but you do need to show her what they are..

It is a tricky one but you need to erect some boundaries, firmly but kindly. Some people just do not recognise when they are over-stepping. Start with the boundaries to your own property - "Really lovely of you but I would prefer to do my own gardening, its my way of relaxing." When she yells from her bedroom window, just wave and ignore. Ignore texts unless they are emergencies!