Friend stayed

Nope, guests should at least chip in for groceries or a meal, especially if they invited themselves and stayed longer than agreed. Your home is not a hotel and they should have at least got you something to thank you for your hospitality.

If they try it again, just say you’ve already got family/friends staying over or if you do fancy having them over, agree on the dates upfront and ask for grocery and fuel money in advance. CFs will probably run a mile, real friends won’t mind.

This is why I say no to guests 🙁 sounds like your friend just wanted a free holiday!

I had a similar thing recently with a woman I knew years ago in the context of a group. She asked if she could stay with us on her way to somewhere else, but without giving a date- she would plan the trip around us. So we could not just say we were busy that weekend. I’d never been close to her and hadn’t seen her for several years.
It was really hard to do, but I eventually replied’sorry we can’t invite you to stay, we have too many visitors in the diary already and are finding hosting very tiring nowadays’. It was a relief to say it and also true. Hosting is tiring.
People can’t really invite themselves, they can only ask to be invited, and it’s important to find a way to say no.

No they're getting free accommodation. They pay for what they do when there

It’s rude to stay with someone and not to at least bring a bottle of wine/chocolates/flowers, if staying one night. If staying for several nights, a more substantial contribution should also be offered, eg a meal out or a takeaway one evening.

When I host, I always stock up with nice food, wine, treats that I wouldn’t normally buy, so it can be expensive, but I consider that hospitable as a host and don’t resent that. However, guests should pay their way on days out and other activities.

In the case of your friend inviting herself, just make yourself unavailable next time she asks and step back from the friendship if she’s generally a user and it’s not a friendship you value.

I put YABU just because you agree to all of this. You have to say no OP, there are so many things you can say. If your friend gets upset oh well…I guess it not a good friend after all then. And if you agree to someone come just say let’s split the cost of the food etc. Is really not that complicated.

You need to be honest from the off.

Tell them, out of the goodness of your heart you don't charge for them staying but equally neither do you do all inclusive so if they're expecting it book a hotel somewhere.

It’s possible to say No.

OP, put this down to experience. If your friend asks again, say no.

“It would be lovely to see you, but just to be clear I won’t be in holiday mode myself, I’ll be at work etc and on weekday budget. I would be bankrupt if I took all the times I have visitors as holiday. I know you will understand”

I wouldn’t necessarily expect guests to contribute to groceries (unless they regularly visited/invited themselves/stayed for an extended time - definitely many exceptions to this statement!) but, it would be nice of them to bring a gift - wine and chocolate for example.

I would expect everything whilst out to be split though and certainly wouldn’t be paying everything for days and meals out.

I see that on this occasion though she did invite herself rather than you doing the inviting, so yes, she should have contributed towards her stay. I wouldn’t allow her to stay again, or say that you can’t afford to pay for her food so she needs to contribute towards groceries in future.

I wish people who have a backbone would have a bit of empathy for those of us who are a bit crap at standing up for ourselves.

It’s really, really hard to do for some of us, so we suck it up and complain later.

Not ideal, but there’s usually a massive backstory.

Your "friend" knows how much of a pushover you are and will do this repeatedly until you find the gumption to tell her to Fuck Off!

OK, I'm sorry. I should have said "why did you agree that they stay" 🙄

Do you not know how to say no? they can expect what they like you dont have to do it

Of course you didnt "have to agree". There is a word no. And then you seem to have just rolled over and not said a word whilst seething with resentment. Just why? I despair of grown adults that let others treat them badly.

You felt you had to agree to someone inviting themselves to stay? You need to grow a bit of backbone and stop allowing people to take advantage of you. For future reference, you do not have to say yes to people staying and you can ask people for a contribution towards food, petrol etc.

If I was staying with someone I would always ask ways I could contribute. I think it's good manners and fair. On the other hand if I had invited someone to say I wouldn't necessarily expect that though it would be nice. I think the problem is that this wasn't a direct invitation from you and was your friend's idea, so she should have offered to buy some groceries in, pay for a takeaway, do some housework etc. You weren't forced to have her there, you just needed to say no however hard that might be.

Well it does cost to host, yes. But as a guest, I always pay for a meal, bring a gift, help around the house eg strip the beds etc.

When you say invited themselves - how did that happen? Did you have the chance to say no?

Practice saying no. They invited themselves? How? When they said they wanted to stay you should have kept saying no. If you did give in, then set boundaries. I can have you stay but I am not available to take you places. You are welcome to go out to eat or buy some food to keep in the fridge to cook for yourself.

You need to learn to set boundaries, seriously...

Definitely a CF. Invite themselves to your home and expect you to entertain them and foot the bill? Did you challenge them?
I wouldn't wait for them to invite themselves again and would make it very clear they are not welcome back. BTW they are no friend just a user.

The moral of this story is don’t invite someone to stay unless (a) you really want them and (b) can have a frank conversation with them about what they expect, eg thst you’re not on your holidays, will be at work as usual, that taxis or buses from the airport will cost x etc.

No one can ‘invite themselves’ or make you pay for them.

At no point over several days did you tell her this wasn’t what you expected? At no point did you tell her it was her turn to cook/pay for a meal? Are you always such a doormat?

As you live in a destination people like to holiday, you are going to get people asking to stay. Sounds like you need to grow a backbone and be clear upfront with anybody what that means when they ask/you invite them. Tell them that you’re looking forward to having them and happy you can host, but groceries and days out will be split or they will be paying for themselves like they would if they were on holiday anywhere else. Also include that you will be able to take a couple of days off but you will mostly be at work, or whatever.

If you don’t set this out, you’re going to risk a lifetime of CFs taking advantage.

Really rude and ungrateful of her. On the upside you now know to say a firm no if she ever invites herself again