To be angry at dad's partner for horrible behaviour towards my daughter

People should stop drinking.

I think it’s more the fact that an ELEVEN year old is still up watching tv so late, especially when their own parent has gone up to bed (because it’s bedtime!).

I hope your dad has a will sorted and this woman won’t wiggle her way into it as she doesn’t sound like the type who would be fair if your dad did change things.

What has your dad actually said about her calling his granddaughter a lying shit, especially when the girl could hear it? I think you need to actually call and speak to your dad about how unacceptable this is and ask what he is going to do about it because you can’t visit again with that woman there.

Weird that they went out to the pub when you were staying.

She sounds horrible!

Why? The kid can’t watch television at her own grandfather’s house?

She sounds vile.
But as others have said, don't let her separate you and your dad. Try to see him on his own as much as you can. When things are calm, tell him that she called his grandchild a lying shit.

Why on earth would they go to the pub when you were visiting? That sounds like a problem right there. You are right to be upset

As others have said maintain a relationship with your DF

dont let her drive a wedge, be respectful and the bigger person. Remain politely aloof, but make sure you keep spending time with your father.

no matter what she mutters about you, don’t let her be right. Rise above. Belligerence isn’t how you win.

I agree. 11 is surely too young to be watching tv on her own at that time of night.

However, DF’s partner is obviously what I term a “nasty drunk”. How you visit your Dad in future without seeing her could be tricky if she is now living there.

On a slightly different tack, what happens when your DF passes away? Assuming she outlives him, is she going to be allowed to stay in the house? A difficult conversation with your Dad is needed urgently.

But this is exactly what the old bag wants!

She clearly doesn't want you visiting.
Men often put new partners ahead of their children sadly.
Prepare yourself for it.

Horrible woman. I think she's just tolerated you so far and then when she was drunk the true colours came out. She is quite happy to drive you away as she wants your DF to herself. Agree with above poster, don't give her what she wants, if anything, go back sooner than expected if you can.

I hope your Dad doesn't marry her. Suspect she wants to control him.

I’m sorry OP it really sucks to feel unwelcome in your parents house when your other parent passes. It gut wrenching actually.

Hopefully he asks her to apologise to your DD and yourself because swearing at a child about sweets is a massive over reaction.

it might be worth going out just you and him for a walk or coffee and having a heart to heart. You are his only child I would hope he wouldn’t let the relationship drift due to a fractious relationship with you and his partner.

there is a compromise.

im sorry you lost your lovely mum x

This

This!
And increase the frequency of your visits to your dad with your daughter. Stay longer . Organise things with your dad while you’re there and tell her she’s not invited.

I don’t particularly have much of a relationship with my partners children but if one of their kids had some sweets whilst at ours (there’s only one DGD and she’s adorable… she will get sweeties whenever if I have my way!! lol) I’d call them a greedy little monkey or piggy or something and laugh it off as kids being kids. My own son (he’s 5) goes into my mums and has worked out where my stepdad (his grandad) hides his chocolate… he eats it in blocks as a treat after meals… he goes straight there and looks over and him and they play this cute game where he moves his hand slower and slower and then grabs one…. My stepdad just chuckles. At first he would try grabbing them all but he’s taught him to eat a block as once and enjoy each bite. Never in a million years would he kick off at him for taking them. She clearly resents you and your child and that’s awful for you both but more so your dad, who’s clearly going to end up caught in middle. She’s shown you who she really is however and that is a good thing. I’d be as nice as nine pence to her going forwards… will freak her right out.

Why would you go to bed and leave your 11yo watching tv at gone 11pm?! She should be asleep by then. But yes the way dad’s partner spoke to her was unacceptable, completely.

I think this is terrible advice.

OP I assume it’s your childhood home or at least the one your mum and dad shared?

Don’t let her dare push you out by making you feel uncomfortable.

You go and stay and start saying things like “oh tell me again how much rent you’re paying my dad to stay here”, “mum was far better at housekeeping/cooking/hosting than whatever this is”, sit there and reminisce about your lovely mum with your dad. “Mum did love a sherry but she was never a nasty drunk, unlike Maggie (or whatever her name is)”

You know her better so I’m sure there’s loads of uncomfortable stuff you could raise.

Let her SQUIRM.

That must have been awful. I would be cross at your Dad for not contacting you after this. His partner sounds like an absolute awful person who would begrudge an 11 year old a few sweets.

Don’t let her separate you and your DD from your dad. That’s exactly what she’s trying to do.

If your dad doesn’t have it in him to ditch her after she treated you both like that, then you have to take matters in to your own hands. Point out that she is a gold digger, poncing off your dad, call her an alcoholic, a nasty drunk, spread rumours, etc. I would go absolutely nuclear on her and get her away from your dad. Don’t let the old bag win, OP!

I’d be really annoyed but I think you’re letting your dad off the hook, if he allows his granddaughter to be spoken to like that I wouldn’t have much respect for him,
It’s fine to want an easy life when your 11yo granddaughter is screamed at and called names because you can just let the little women fight it out amongst themselves and stay blame free.

Yes, she asked her Mum, but noone asked the Grandad. What I meant was, if my children asked if they could have something at my parents house, I wouldn't give it to them because it's not mine to give, even though I know my parents wouldn't mind. And in this situation, it's not just her Dad's house, he lives with his partner. So maybe they were not her Dad's, the partner might have bought them for something specific. Maybe for her family visit? I still think that the partner was completely wrong for yelling and swearing at a child and I wouldn't want to spend time with her.