AIBU to think there must be something wrong?

I have ADHD and menopausal. ADHD and autism run in my family and I'm not offended. It's not unusual to look at someone's bizarre behaviour and wonder what's wrong with them. I was only diagnosed with ADHD recently, I thought I was going mad but it turns out I could no longer mask due to menopause. It sounds like her parents have been making excuses for her whole life thinking they're protecting her. They probably don't even realise they're doing it. I recently had to face up to doing something similar with my daughter, she is autistic and has ADHD. I would make excuses for her behaviour ( no violence)because she's different, doesn't think the same, doesn't understand how to navigate the world around her etc... I love her and want to protect her but it doesn't do her or her children any favours in the long run. You can't make her parents face her behaviour but you and your husband can put boundaries in and tell her you won't accept her poor behaviour.

Sounds like my sister.

Will you be coming to our wedding in (insert destination)? Hah! Why would I go to that shithole?

i could go on and on.
Can you not just avoid her? You need to support your MIL to kick her out I think also if that’s at all feasible. But it needs to be a united front.

I’m starting to think menopause
🤣🤣
I’m going through the menopause but I don’t behave like an arsehole.

I think from what you've said @Warmerdays there's little point in railing against her, as your PIL wouldn't back you up. Your best bet for your family's peace of mind is to withdraw from SIL as much as possible, seeing your PIL outside their home and not if they have SIL with them. I'd go as low contact as I possibly could. She's never going to start self-reflection no matter what anyone says (I was thinking along the lines of "Well, that's it Carol, we're done with you. No idea what you've got against DS but we'll spare you having to put up with us any more. Hopefully we won't cross paths again. See you soon MIL, I'll be in touch" then leave) even if you don't lash out verbally at her.

So I wouldn't say anything to her, but I would be done. Menopause may well be making SIL worse than she was but whatever the reason for her hideous personality, nothing can be done about it as she doesn't recognise that she has a problem. I feel for you, it must horrible having a family member who ruins things for everyone. Her parents have chosen to put up with her, you don't have to.

Does your SIL hold down a job? Does she have friends and a social life? I'm just trying to figure out how she moves through the world, and if she saves her nastiness for family while acting normal outside the home. She sounds stunted and childish at the least, like she never progressed past being a teenager. I guess she could have autism or some kind of intellectual disability if she really doesn't understand how her behaviour is inappropriate, but I'd lean towards her being a nasty piece of work in the absence of any other evidence.

It baffles me how these people function in real life. Like how they keep jobs, have friends, get a meal in a restaurant without the waiters spit in it?

What we witness is a tiny part of their every day.

She could just be utterly spoilt, and come to o understand that behaving the way she does gets her her own way without consequences.

Can my DSis come too’

One day someone will smack her in the face - that might help her understanding

Sounds like my sister.

I am no contact and she hasn’t seen my kids since they were new babies over a decade ago.

Yep she makes my mum cry and is scared of her but that’s up to her, she wont challenge.
Bur here’s the kicker, my sister is a carbon copy of my mum and dads worst bits.
It’s like they put it together and poured it into one person.
Both were violent aggressive areseholes who gave us an awful upbringing. Deny it of course. But you reap what you sow don’t you.

Remove yourself completely. It’s bliss!

I wonder what would happen if your sil where to meet my sister, my god, now that would be a show!

Please don’t blame this on ADHD or menopause. Don’t try and armchair diagnose. She might just be vile.

You all need to start challenging her on this awful behaviour and PIl need to stand united.

By declaring that he has no boundaries and is willing for MIL to be made to cry every night he is taking sides and enabling this. She needs to understand that they will not tolerate this behaviour with the consequence that she leaves if she cannot be kind and pleasant.

Does she work ?/ earn ? Is there any need for her to live at home ?

I would find it very difficult to not confront her in anger for pushing my child. Why deal with this individual with kid gloves when she is so clearly unpleasant?

I have a DSis like this. She has all of the characteristics you describe OP.

For those of you that are affronted OP suggested ADHD or menopause, give her a break. She wasn’t talking about your DSs or DDs , she doesn’t know them and she did not create this thread for the sole purpose of bashing people with these conditions. She genuinely thinks there is a reason for her SILs behaviour.

As do I regarding my DSis. The whole family is shocked at the horrible things she says, at the speculations she makes about other family members personal lives and at the accusations she makes about us all.

She is always talking about how family should stick together but she is bossy, always telling people what to do.

it really is not as easy as having it out with her. I did once years ago and it was so unpleasant, it went on for hours, her screaming at me and constantly calling back when I put the phone down. I’m not going there again!

I don’t call her but she calls me moaning about what she perceives I have done or not for family relations. OMG it is so tiresome!

I am empathetic and have compassion for her. She is clearly deeply unhappy.

Her DD is NC. This is obviously a major problem for DSis and maybe where some of it stems from. But she wasn’t a very good DM to my niece when she was little .

DSis has absolutely no self awareness about this and has rewritten history in her mind in that she was the best DM in the world and it was the rest of the family that turned her DD against her.

When you are dealing with family members like this you can understand why we might seriously think there is something wrong with them, and would consider conditions like ADHD, menopause or any number of things. Not to insult others.

Unfortunately, sometimes the diagnosis is simply a severe case of cunt-itis 🤷🏻‍♀️🫠

And in my experience?
There’s rarely a cure for it.

I know it can be hard when it’s family, but when it’s having an effect on your DC’s? Cut that shit off.

I have a friend who has adhd, she’s lovely but she talks about herself and her issues all the time, will talk over other people and can be very abrupt and at times rude. She forgets to ask others how they are. She also has no spacial awareness and often bumps into things /stands too close and talks loudly. Shh hee can get overwhelmed and lash out in anger. She showed me her diagnosis and all the things I’ve listed above were mentioned as part of the diagnosis process. Not all people with adhd have those traits but some do.

I don’t think the op is meaning to be insulting she is just trying to understand why her sil has such extreme behaviour.

Op it could be neuro diversity, mental health issues, hormones, upbringing/environment, poor social development.

its unlikely she will change so you need to put boundaries in place, this could be how often you see her (if at all) and where.

Well, rather than trying to label her, why don't the family either tackle her en masse. Or go N c.
Honestly, why expose yourselves and your child to shoddy crap behaviour?

Well stop having anything to do with her if she is that bad around your child then just stop, if the MIL does nothing that is up to her

You cant fix or control her so leave her to it, she is not a project

She's probably just a bitch? I have a cousin like this, she's always been a cow and we all avoid her like the plague. She sometimes has a glimmer of niceness, but generally she's just not a nice person. I don't think you need to diagnose her.

Sure you’re not getting confused with ASPD? Anti social personality disorder?

If she's unpleasant to you and your children, then just don't have anything to do with her. What your DH does is up to him. If your PIL aren't prepared to do anything about it, then I think you just have to leave them to it - it's up to them, it's their choice if they continue to put up with her behavior - also your DH's choice. But you don't have to have anything to do with her and neither do your children