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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think there must be something wrong?

88 replies

Warmerdays · 28/04/2025 21:00

Have you ever come across anyone who is so so unpleasant, so rude, so disrespectful that you start to feel genuinely worried about them and think they must have some un-diagnosed issue? My SIL has always been “savage” shall we say. She does not seem to have any self awareness, doesn’t seem to recognise when she is being disrespectful, cant see that her actions have consequences, her attitude has been getting worse and worse towards family and friends and she does not seem to care. She pushed my son out of her way the other day, said “oops” and carried on. She barges her way through people and places and just does not care. Im starting to think menopause? What are some symptoms of a personality disorder? ADHD? Someone cant possibly be so unpleasant without an explanation? Her mother (my mil) is terrified to open her mouth because sil is vile towards her. She lives with her parents, no bf/family/children so no family stresses. I feel like telling her perhaps she should see a Dr as her behaviour is getting worse and worse.

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Original poster
Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 19:05

CustardySergeant · 29/04/2025 17:17

I wonder how she behaves at work.

Im not sure, I do know that she did have a group of work colleagues and she came home one evening haven fallen out with them all because they did not include her in a night out or something and remember the drama that came with it all, now I don’t think she has any work colleague friends, i sometimes here her mother complaining that they all went out and left her poor daughter out again.

OP posts:
VoltaireMittyDream · 29/04/2025 18:34

CustardySergeant · 29/04/2025 17:17

I wonder how she behaves at work.

Probably the same way. People like this can be very hard to get rid of at work, as they are expert at lodging vexatious complaints and tying HR up in knots for years with grievance procedures and stalled mediations where they won’t communicate or negotiate or compromise, and accusations and counter-accusations and all sorts. We’ve all encountered them at one point or another in our working lives, I’m sure.

Pinkywoo · 29/04/2025 17:46

VoltaireMittyDream · 29/04/2025 00:05

I dunno, I’m perimenopausal with ADHD and sometimes feel like I’m bordering on sociopath territory! Kidding. But only just 😬 Contrary to MN doctrine we’re not all saints with superpowers and Christ-like empathy. We can be selfish reactive shits just like anyone else.

Anyway, to your point, OP, I get your need to understand why your SIL is like this - particularly if she still lives at home and has failed to launch, which suggests she has considerable difficulties with adult life & people & the world in general.

And it is easier to feel compassion for someone who has A Condition than it is for someone who’s just being a horrific twat all the time. There’s also something quite scary about the idea that people can just go around being nasty for no reason at all. We want to understand what underpins it - often in the hope that this might unlock some way to stop the behaviour.

But as others have said, all you can do is protect yourself and try to keep firm and fair boundaries. She sounds awful.

Completely agree (and I'm menopausal with ADHD!)

CustardySergeant · 29/04/2025 17:17

I wonder how she behaves at work.

Original poster
Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 16:23

@Iloveyoubut No its not, as someone has previously posted they did have a relative with ADHD who became extremely difficult when menopause hit, so it seems it is very possible

“Tbf my sister has adhd and her symptoms got SO much worse now she’s in peri.”

”I have a friend who has adhd, she’s lovely but she talks about herself and her issues all the time, will talk over other people and can be very abrupt and at times rude. She forgets to ask others how they are. She also has no spacial awareness and often bumps into things /stands too close and talks loudly. Shh hee can get overwhelmed and lash out in anger. She showed me her diagnosis and all the things I’ve listed above were mentioned as part of the diagnosis process. Not all people with adhd have those traits but some do.”

It does seem increasingly obvious that she is just horrible though, i suppose i was just trying to find an excuse for it

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 29/04/2025 16:10

Well, she may well have problems or issues that make behaviour worse, but it soudns liek she's always been rude and entitled and no one has ever stood up to her so she's never had any way of learning that her behaviur is a problem.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 29/04/2025 16:07

So what was your response when she pushed your son out of her way the other day? Did you request an apology or did you let her get away with it?

It's possible that she simply behaves badly because she's gotten away with it her entire life. Because no-one has ever pulled her up. Your PIL need to grow backbones and kick her out of the nest.

Marcusparkus · 29/04/2025 16:03

I have ADHD and don't push small children. It's not a symptom as far as I'm aware FFS 😂 Got to laugh. Sounds like whatever's wrong with her might run in the family, OP

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 29/04/2025 15:49

Warmerdays · 28/04/2025 22:11

Husband has suggested this, resulting in a severe outburst from SIL and their father telling my DH that he has no right to speak to his sister like that, and they will not be throwing anyone out.

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In which case take a step back. If they are adamant they aren't going to deal with the issue then remove yourself from it.

She just sounds like a spoilt child who knows there are no consequences so is happy to do as she pleases

Iloveyoubut · 29/04/2025 15:33

This HAS to be yet another piss take. It has to be. You’re starting to think menopause? You’re starting to think ADHD and yet you’d be so unaware as to say that with no irony - yeah ok. Did yi aye? 🥱

LifeExperience · 29/04/2025 15:29

Does it really matter if she has a diagnosis or if she's just a miserable asshole? No, it doesn't. Labels aren't a solution.

The only way to deal with people like that is to refuse to be around them. She has to realize she has a problem and seek help; there is nothing you can do or say that will make her change. If she won't seek help then your only choice is to go no contact for your own mental health.

Original poster
Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 15:20

CustardySergeant · 29/04/2025 14:01

Has she got a job?

Yes she does x

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 29/04/2025 14:01

Has she got a job?

Fluffyholeysocks · 29/04/2025 12:55

I think it's very low self esteem - you say she still lives with her parents has no children or BF? Could it be she's very unhappy with her life ? I have a relative like this she always has to 'tell it like it is', which makes her unpleasant to be around, I think she goes on the attack because she is so unhappy with her life. By getting in with the unpleasantness first, everyone tiptoes round her.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/04/2025 12:25

Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 12:22

You said i didnt sound like I wanted to help her, so i just asked dont I? I wasn't making assumptions, like ive said a few times now it was a friend that suggested that going through menopause turned her into a completely different person, she was rude, snappy and admitted to giving her family a hard time. That was her experience and I know a few others have had similar, and a few posters on here have given their own experiences with family members changing/finding things hard to deal with due to menopause, but yes i am of the same view as you that it should not turn you into a shitty person and it should not be used as an excuse.

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Ok, thank you. I understand you are trying to help her. I hope you can. Being patient and understanding and a good listener I think would be helpful to anyone going through a hard time.

Original poster
Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 12:22

BobbyBiscuits · 29/04/2025 11:53

Don't you what? I'm just telling you it comes off a bit rude the way you make assumptions that menopause can be so negative.

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You said i didnt sound like I wanted to help her, so i just asked dont I? I wasn't making assumptions, like ive said a few times now it was a friend that suggested that going through menopause turned her into a completely different person, she was rude, snappy and admitted to giving her family a hard time. That was her experience and I know a few others have had similar, and a few posters on here have given their own experiences with family members changing/finding things hard to deal with due to menopause, but yes i am of the same view as you that it should not turn you into a shitty person and it should not be used as an excuse.

OP posts:
Helpmeplease2025 · 29/04/2025 12:21

Who cares what’s wrong with her, just cut her out. Life is too short to suffer people like this

CustardySergeant · 29/04/2025 12:19

Does she have a job?

BBCLW · 29/04/2025 12:07

Maybe you could offer to let your M-I-L come and stay with you for a while, to give her a break? It might help her regain a sense of what is normal, which you can lose when living with an abusive relative.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/04/2025 11:53

Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 07:34

I did not list menopause as an illness or a disorder. Like i previously said a friend mentioned that this could possibly making her behaviour worse as she herself went through the most awful mood swings and admitted to being quite horrible to those closest to her. Dont I?

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Don't you what? I'm just telling you it comes off a bit rude the way you make assumptions that menopause can be so negative.

MonkeyTennis34 · 29/04/2025 11:24

You haven’t offended me at all OP 🙂
Your SIL sounds like a true narcissist and, by not calling her out, your MIL is enabling this behaviour.

balloonraces · 29/04/2025 10:00

FortyElephants · 28/04/2025 21:01

Menopause and ADHD? Do you know how offensive that is?

Tbf my sister has adhd and her symptoms got SO much worse now she’s in peri.

Original poster
Warmerdays · 29/04/2025 09:54

I am so so sorry if I have offended anyone in any way. It was not my intention at all! It does seem more and more likely that she is just an unpleasant person with something happening in her life at the moment that is making the anger/rudeness and unpleasantness more and more prevalent

OP posts:
TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 29/04/2025 09:37

Any medical conditions she has are her business. If you don't like her behaviour then you should stop spending time with her, instead of enabling it.

TidyDancer · 29/04/2025 08:24

I’ve worked with two people like this. They have no emotional intelligence whatsoever. When confronted with their own behaviour they will never understand or accept they are the problem. The first one I worked with flounced when she didn’t get a promotion over another person. The other person was useless but more pleasant to be around and the arsehole one just couldn’t accept she was the preferred choice. I suspect to this day she thinks she was treated unfairly.

The second one I worked with more recently and in many ways she is a carbon copy of arsehole no.1. When told off for the way she behaves though, this one cried and claimed to be picked on which is imo is just plain manipulative when it should be obvious to anyone with insight that she is the issue.

The only conclusion I can come to is that it’s a combination of supreme arrogance and lack of social and emotional intelligence. They are extremely unpleasant to be around but there is absolutely no chance of changing them.