Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

It's a bit odd that you won't actually meet the groom's family before the day. You'll just have to go with it, but you're not being unreasonable. Her day, let her get on with it.

I don’t see the problem with these things as long as you don’t expect the bride and groom to attend.

The last thing they need right now is more gatherings to think about.

Seriously your daughter has gone mad.
If you want to meet the lads parents and they want to meet you, go for it. The glorious pair are not obliged to come. And fgs if you want to meet up with your own family in the comfort of your own home the day after go for it. I'm not at all surprised you want to do this if family are not in your town very often.

Interesting that she hasn't included you in any of the wedding planning, do you have form for taking over and feeling like you make "better decisions". She probably feels that you're trying to "do your own thing" because her attempt at a wedding meets with your disapproval or her decisions are not to your taste.

That’s quite normal. Well in my family it is. Irish/english. Day after our wedding we met up with family again to chill and talk about the day. Night before we had a family sing song and food. Also cousins weddings have followed same format.

If I wanted to invite my relations to my house, I would do so. Your daughter - stressed bride or not - doesn’t get to control your (or anyone’s) social life. I would give some thought to the timing: when my kids married, most guests stayed at the venue overnight, and the guests joined the newlyweds for breakfast the day after the wedding, so if there’s something like that, then just fit around it.

As for the groom’s parents: maybe they are horrible and your daughter thinks you won’t get on? One of my son’s father-in-law is a sexist wanker, whose (vapid financially dependent) wife colludes, and I’m delighted to spend as little time as humanly possible with them. However, see above on control of your own social life.

I have put away money for many years for this event and have been happy to pay for nearly half of costs ie catering, venue, her dress etc.

Why is this relevant?

Gifts should come with ribbons not strings.

I would be concerned that your DD is stressed and focus your efforts on that.

Neither of your suggestions are unreasonable and are very normal / expected in my experience. However your DD doesnt want to do this and its obviously causing her distress - so you should respect that. Drop the offers of hosting but try to soothe a stressed DD - which migh just be backing off.

Guessing it’s because she’s already mentally planned out what she’s doing in the time slots you mentioned.
Suggestions feel like normal ones to me, it’s probably that it feels like late notice for more logistics for her. Will she even be around the next day? My DH and I went off on honeymoon the day after the wedding and lots of others took all the leftover food to the beach for a mega picnic. By all accounts it was a great day! But I didn’t mind, we weren’t there and were happy for people to just catch up without us.

Yup, standard for my family too. People are spread across Europe so those who don't have to leave will take the opportunity to spend some time together. It's a different vibe to the actual wedding and allows you to spend a decent chunk of time with a smaller number of people. Great for those of us from large and unwieldy families!

This is a lovely idea. My parents hosted my FIL, BIL, close friends and family the day before our wedding. We had hot pot and drinks. It was informal and broke the ice before the formality of the big day.

I find it odd that some posters find it odd that both sets of parents have never met before.

Not everyone marries someone local.

My parents only met DH's family once - at our wedding. They lived at opposite ends of the country. My parents died before DD was born so they wouldn't have been able to meet at a christening either.

@GuttedMOB I think it is a lovely idea to meet the groom's parents beforehand. Will they know many people at the wedding? I cannot fathom why your DD would be upset. Is there a back story?

She doesn't want it and as it's hers and her fiance's wedding, you respect that.

@OoooopsUpsideYourHead but it isn't her wedding day. If the bride is too busy or doesn't want to attend then it's fine. Imagine turning up to a wedding when you have just flown in from abroad where you only know the bride and groom. It isn't much fun. If the bride's parents offer to host them the day before to get to know them and make them feel welcome I think that is a lovely thing to do.

They live abroad and are staying in a hotel nearby.

In that case I think it would almost be odd if you didn't invite them.

Do you expect/want your DD to be at either of these events? If you don't then I don't see why she should get involved and you should take her at her word to do what you want. It doesn't impact her.

What's your relationship with your daughter like normally? Is this out of character?

You have met the parents yet? How long have they been together?

It's a shame that she is so upset. My parents did similar and also a rehearsal dinner and they were absolutely lovely - more relaxed and intimate than the wedding itself and a chance for the more close family to just debrief - as you say - having already met each other. Your daughter is being a bit of a drama llama.

Upset for what reason? She wouldn’t need to attend either. It’s nice to meet parents-in-law and is something they should have arranged when you first got engaged. Both my parents and my in-laws invited each other to dinner. They lived 90 minutes away from one another at the time. My parents also hosted a garden party the day after our wedding. They invited family and family friends who had travelled a long way to be there.

Meeting his parents the day or whenever the pre wedding drink was before seems fine but the other event seems unnecessary although nothing to get angry about . She doesn’t have to be there. I agree it seems a bit late to suggest it.

There are no plans for the day after? I think it's perfectly fine to invite your own extended family, especially if they've travelled. I've previously appreciated it when I've come a long way. We had a delicious brunch of wedding leftovers! She doesn't need to be there if she doesn't want to/will be too tired.

Op’s dd should have organised the meet up herself, the two week thing is only because she thus far hasn’t bothered, tbf.

It's really common now to have a second low key event the next day

Agree with @Carrotsandgrapes that it is probably the fact that you are dropping this on her two weeks out that is the issue

My DPs hosted a brunch at home for all their siblings the day after my DB's wedding. DM has lots of siblings, as does DF, and most of them had traveled long distances to attend the wedding. DB and DSIL popped in briefly to say hi, but had zero to do with the planning. I'm sorry your suggestion has gone down badly with your DD.

These would have been nice things to suggest 6-12 months ago. NOT 2 weeks before the wedding, when your DD is probably already quite stressed.

Having the 2 sets of parents 'formally' meet, can also be quite stressful for the bride and groom. Its something they would probably want to be there for and something they might want to manage. They know the dynamics and personalities far better than you.

Organising a family event the day after the wedding also feels like an overstep and encroaching onto their wedding plans. Again, a fantastic and probably welcome suggestion if you'd made it months ago.

These were good, well-intentioned ideas, but your timing is awful. I'd apologise and back off.

@OoooopsUpsideYourHead "She doesn't want it and as it's hers and her fiance's wedding, you respect that."

It isn't about the wedding, it is potentially the day before the wedding, meeting the parents, and the day after the wedding when she is inviting her relatives round to her own house and something they usually do anyway. When did brides get so fucking prissy about anything happening remotely near their wedding?

The day before the wedding I can understand to be a stressful time that your daughter would not want to do that.
Can you meet more informally way before the actual wedding. The day before just seems like an added stress for everyone.

They live abroad.