Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

I don't understand why the parents of a married couple need to meet each other. Our family must be very unsocial because we don't. We only see them at the actual wedding. I don't want to be friends with my daughter in laws family just for the sake of it.

It's really not, when people move all over for work, uni etc. My parents only met my MIL and her husband the day before the wedding, and then FIL and his partner at the reception.

@GuttedMOB if the 'after party' was going to be at your home, then it is entirely your choice as to whether to do it. Not up to your daughter, as long as you are doing all the planning etc. She has zero right to say who you invite into your home and when. If she doesn't want to come along, then that is her choice.

Both things are normal suggestions

DD reactions are OTT and scream bridezilla.

I think it was lovely of you to suggest this and it sounds like a good idea however if it doesn't work for your daughter then you just have to drop it.

It’s just another get together while everyone’s still in the area.
Hardly sinister.

OP hasn't suggested anyone needs a debrief. She's just offering a nice chance for relatives to get together, chat and relax.

Both of those suggestions sound totally normal, so I can only think the issue is that you threw them into the mix at this late stage and she is stressed with other things.

I think your DD sounds a bit rude - happy to take your money but not letting you know how it’s being spent or giving you something to arrange. I can usually tell from the OP if it’s a control freak likely to take over and you don’t sound like that at all.

As it’s so close to the main day I would say that the next day brunch/bbq is meant to be very low key and you understand she might not be able to attend, but you want to spend time with the relatives and friends who have traveled to be there. On the meeting of the other sets of DPs, that is a bit awkward if she doesn’t have time to come at this late stage. I would ask if she has any slots at all that you can work round, even a quick coffee to say hello, if not then I wouldn’t push it and I am sure you will all get along on the day.

Why do you need a debrief about a wedding?

Hmm… my mum offered something very similar before my wedding and I spent a long time trying to put her off it, and suggest we go out for dinner instead.

In my case it was because she is a massive hoarder and I was embarrassed about the state of the house. Any chance it could be anything like that?

It's not necessarily weird at all that she hasn't met the groom's parents. She could be from northern Scotland, he could be from Cornwall, and the couple could live in East Anglia. Our parents first met at our wedding, and they haven't met since.

It makes absolutely no sense to me that she would "become very upset" if you've just suggested something. Surely she'd just say "no, I don't like that" and that would be the end of it? Was her first reaction to "become very upset" or did that only happen after you kept on pushing for it?

Yanbu and I imagine quite hurt at not being involved in any of the planning

Are you not close?

Its weird that you haven't met the groom's parents, and ywnbu to go ahead and arrange an informal meeting x

I know very weird comparison 😂

OP isn’t marrying the groom’s parents so it’s not equivalent to married at first sight. She’s presumably met her daughter’s fiancé, which is the relevant part.

It’s really not that weird. Many couples have family in different places these days.
Our parents hadn’t met before our wedding and that wasn’t at all uncommon among our circle.
When would they meet if you don’t live locally?

She’s getting married, there is zero obligation to turn it into a 3 day event if the bride and groom don’t want that.

Surely if you want to host your rellies the next day for a catch up you just do so on the understanding that B&G won't be there?

But neither of these plans really have very much to do with her. OP is perfectly entitled to make arrangements to meet the fiancé's parents, it's an absolutely normal thing to do, and she can make the arrangements without involving her daughter at all. As for who she chooses to entertain after the wedding when daughter has presumably gone off on honeymoon, that has even less to do with daughter. No bride can expect to micromanage her parents' social life even if it is over the period around the wedding.

Absolutely agree. The last wedding I went to, there was an informal gathering the day after the wedding for anyone who had travelled and stayed over. Perfectly normal.

Sorry but I really don't think so. Your reaction seems a little OTT to me.

If she’s getting married in a couple weeks, it’s weird you haven’t met her future in-laws yet. My family lives in the US and Dh and I were long distance in different countries for years and ours had met at least a couple times before the wedding. My guess is not meeting them hasn’t been an oversight. Are they racist jerks? Are you? She probably doesn’t want to be involved in that drama with weeks to go.

Day after gathering, similarly it’s a kind offer, but if she said no, then go with her wishes. Maybe something casually will just happen if people want to meet for lunch or whatever the day after. We did have a day after drinks because lots of family had travelled from all over the world and probably wouldn’t see each other again for a few years. It was nice, but probably too much. I literally lost my voice by the end and was done. Dh and I went and had a meal at the local Indian restaurant alone in silence 😂 because neither of us could actually speak to each other, because we were so exhausted and because we literally did not have the ability to talk anymore! Maybe she realises it’s too much, which is fine, but feels pressured to attend anyway. If you make it not really a thing then it takes the obligation off her.

It doesn't sound like your daughter needs to be at either of these events you are suggesting. And if the second one is with your family members, you are definitely within your rights to want to spend time with them while they are in town. Maybe she reacted this way out of stress and feeling some obligation to be present for these events. You are more than within your rights to offer to meet the parents of the groom before the wedding and neither bride nor groom needs to be there--it would be very strange not to. If you have relatives coming into town, it makes sense to offer to have them over at some point too. She doesn't need to be there for either one.

I really don’t know why people are being so hard on you! Both your suggestions are entirely reasonable, and quite normal, my parents did similar for both my and my brothers weddings. We had family who had to travel so it was lovely to meet up both before and after. Not sure why this would upset your daughter so much, it’s not as if she’ll have to do anything ?

Assuming that you have offered and not pushily railroaded your ideas through without her agreement, you are not being unreasonable

I still don’t understand how the conversation played out

‘I’ve made these arrangements’

<upset> ‘I can’t come’

How did that not lead into ‘you seem upset, tell me what’s wrong, I never would have organized something if I thought it would upset you, what is it?’

did she just like leave and you didn’t ask ? Have you not tried to check in - is it just sitting there, a big undiscussed issue?