Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

What is she very upset about? What was her reason?
Did you ask her or tell her that’s what you were going to do? Are you an overbearing mother who feels that they have a right to be involved? Your username is ‘gutted’, why are you ‘gutted’? Because she’s said no to you organising a drink? I don’t get any of this.

She's being daft. have you got anyone neutral - ish - who could bring it up with her. It's much nicer if people have met before the day. And a catch up after sounds great.

Personally, I hope it IS a formal debrief: a printed agenda, presentations from bride and groom’s families, action points and learnings for next time. Set some objectives. KPI the canapés.

I think a lot of people see the day after as part of the wedding plans, and couples want to curate that for themselves.

I agree with this. It’s the abandonment of these attitudes that is resulting in a more fractured, unsupported society generally.

I think your offer to meet beforehand is lovely as is the day after but I think it’s weird to go ahead without the bride and groom being present.

OP, I think your offer is reasonable, generous and thoughtful. If your daughter doesn’t want to show up the next day, that’s her prerogative, but I still think you should go ahead with your gathering. In my experience, there isn’t always enough time to catch up with family at weddings so it’s nice to meet up next day.

I’m not you going to derail this thread so this is my last comment but the cohesion of society in general and the wider world relies on building bridges and being part of the wider community, In my opinion, marriages fall into this structure so it isn’t just about the bride and groom (in the vast majority of cases).
I’ll wait for the thread in a year or two when daughter and Son in Law are complaining that their parents aren’t interested in them/their children/the pot plants …….

As you have laid it out there they are absolutely standard things to offer help with and she can just say no thanks or we already have plans. She is being strange but i wonder if there is more backstory? Or if she is really stressing?

I am currently helping a friend organise a wedding in my own town and have offered help with both things exactly as you describe here - to the 2nd one (offered my house to host before people leave on the sunday) she just said no thanks!

no big drama - I wonder if there is more to this than you have explained here?

None of what you suggested was odd op.

Your DD’s response sounds a bit OTT but she is clearly feeling anxious and these suggestions add layers of complexity I guess.

Truthfully I think it’s highly irregular she hadn’t arranged for you to meet the parents in advance. Perhaps she wants to just focus on the day not worry how you are all getting on at a drinks just before, which I can appreciate; but why hadn’t she done something sooner?

Brides can be a bit volatile. I wouldn’t take it personally, but equally would back off if she’s showing signs of volatility.

Because being local or not is important for practical and logistical reasons.

My in-laws lived 4 hours one way, my parents lived 8 hours another. Good manners is irrelevant when distance is involved.

It just means a chat about the day, in this context.
Nobody will he shining lights in eyes, demanding information from the guests.
Just another party, but more laid back.

Your daughter is being a but precious to say the least. It's perfectly normal to want to meet the groom's parents before the ceremony, and hosting the day after the wedding is very relaxing.

You're not "blending two families". My decision to get married had nothing to do with either set of parents, and neither family has had anything whatsoever to do with the other since the day of the wedding. I and my partner have interacted with one another's family of course, but nobody else. This is far, far more common than you seem to think.

Living abroad does tend to make it more difficult to meet.

You are not wrong but I think you need to leave it.

The hosting the groom's parents seem something that is perfectly normal. My brother recently got married and my parents hosted his bride's family for dinner a few days before the wedding.

Maybe the day after the party the bride is worried that you are hosting the party just for your family and not the grooms and that she will be split between both. Or are you a hoarder or something and she does not want then to see your home. Or it could be she is stressed and just lashing out at the wrong things.

For the sake of peace I would leave the after party and if you are staying in the venue the night before wedding or if the groom family are staying in a hotel nearby just meet there for a drink. Don't make it formal or a big deal.

Why is being local relevant? It’s about being respectful and acknowledging that you are blending two families. In my opinion, it’s simple good manners.

It's not clear if your suggestions to your DD involved her, ie did you think the bride and groom would be there? I imagine she's just too caught up in wedding preparations to think of adding anything else on. Unless there is anything else planned for the day after I can't see any reason you shouldn't get together with any friends and family you want. Re meeting the groom's parents, that would be lovely before the wedding. Do you think she's reacted badly because she hasn't thought to arrange this?

"your dd is either ashamed of you or ashamed of his parents and family."

Which of those things would make you not want to spend money on your daughter's wedding?

Don’t people do wedding rehearsal dinners anymore
Never been a thing in the UK has it? I've only ever heard of that on American tv.

We arranged for anyone who was arriving on the Friday night to meet in the pub if they wanted to. Been to a few weddings with that and it's been really nice. But totally informal and nothing to do with the rehearsal.

My mother did exactly this at my wedding. She and the grooms mother had an afternoon tea at a local hotel different from the venue together as they didn’t really know each other which broke the ice and at the actual wedding they were grabbing each other to introduce the other to their side of the family. It was utterly lovely for me as it meant I could relax and know that they were both mingling etc. She held a barbecue the day after the wedding on a come and go basis which I popped into before leaving for my honeymoon but again she was able to spend time with family that had come some distance. Some of my friends turned up to and she enjoyed receiving all the compliments re the day itself. I was very grateful for the effort she made.

Is she stressed and wishes she had thought of this herself?

They’re very normal, standard events to plan OP. YANBU and you’re being totally normal. Nice ideas.

Depending on whether the daughter's reaction was immediate or after someone had pestered her for half an hour trying to get her to change her mind. The OP has been asked to clarify.

If she’s getting married in a couple weeks, it’s weird you haven’t met her future in-laws yet.

No it isn't. It really, really isn't.

In my case neither family could afford to fork out the £££ for train fares and hotels just to meet up for a cup of tea.

It amazes me that so many posters think it is as easy for other people as it is for themselves.