Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

She did. Using colloquial, metaphorical language instead of literal language. It means the same thing.

After a wedding, most brides just want to relax with their new husband. The last thing she'll want is more social obligations. So yes you are being unreasonable to expect her to attend/be involved. She may also find it stressful if you try to host her husband's relatives unsupervised, the fact you haven't met his parents yet is telling.

But I reckon a little brunch/coffee debrief session with your own relatives is a nice idea.

Exactly. She could have said discuss and enjoy.

Probably one whose future in-laws live abroad? That’s probably just the tiniest bit relevant here.

DH parents & my parents have never met - we've been together 19 years

Also, what kind of daughter gets married and accepts mummy's money, but doesn't introduce her in-laws to her parents before the wedding? That would never happen in my family...

Your events don't need to work for your DD, the bride and groom don't need to be there for you to have a drink with the grooms parents, and if they are staying in a hotel they may be very pleased to have something to do that day, or does your DD already have something planned with the grooms parents that day?

Similarly after the wedding presumably your DD will be off on honeymoon and what the guests do then doesn't involve her at all, or is she upset that she will be missing out on something?

She did say do what you like so I would take her at her word and carry on with your plans, unless she gives an actual reason why you shouldn't do those things. Could you get a quiet word with the Groom to find out what the problem is?

Sorry to say, but your daughter is being an ungrateful brat. It's fine for her to decline your suggestions, but she could have done so in a much more polite way. Especially seeing as you are her mother, and you're paying for a good chunk of her wedding.

It would be nice to meet the grooms parents before the date itself and it was thoughtful of you to think of meeting up with them the day before wedding.

The same with a get together for friends the day after, if they are your family then do invite them round the day after before they head home. Just a casual drop in. Why wouldn’t you ? Your daughter doesn’t have to be involved and you don’t need her permission.

No, you're not. She sounds awful.

That's nice. Nobody's saying you can't. As long as you don't claim everybody should do that, you carry on and enjoy it.

This.

Bravo

Agree .OP I think your suggestion sounds thoughtful.Any reasonable person would say ,"thanks Mum , lovely idea but a bit late now"

Two sets of parents, one living in Birmingham and the other on the Isle of Skye, not going to each other's birthday parties isn't going to derail social cohesion in the Western Hemisphere.

My family came from various places a long trip. We were off on our honeymoon so my family did use the occasion to enjoy a lunch the next day.

Well, in terms of 'not being sure what to do', that depends on what other plans there are. If they're off on honeymoon anyway then do what you want. If they were planning on doing something chilled with a few people then don't, as your plans may clash.

It is up to you whether or not you meet his parents first, if you're not expecting anything of her then it is up to you.

But it really isn't a big thing if you don't do those things, if you think it is going to cause stress for whatever reason.

’Debrief’ In inverted commas. A fairly common colloquial usage for a bit of a gossip after a big event.

I got married in 1993. We left for honeymoon straight after the reception, but my parents had a BBQ for family (both sides) the next day without us. We were a bit jealous! And then when my niece got married (about 10 years ago) her parents did the same thing, but she and the groom were there as they hadn’t yet left for honeymoon. Nobody at either wedding thought this odd, so I’d say it’s been pretty normal for a long time, with or without the couple attending.

I also offered to host a casual gathering of our relatives the day after the wedding, before guests departed the area, which I thought would be helpful and a lovely way to ‘debrief’ and relax.

Why do you need to debrief a wedding?

You’re in your right to invite and host a get together of both families - but not the day right after the wedding. At least wait a few weeks…. This sounds like you want to have some control over the wedding.

Hosting a post wedding event sounds unnecessary.

it's pretty standard, I have seen them in pretty much all the weddings I've been invited to. It would be rather bizarre not to host guests who have travelled for a wedding, and not offer at least a brunch/lunch ? It can be as casual as you want it to be, even a BBQ but it's just normal for many people.

The bride could just say "no thanks mum", getting upset about it is a bit of an overkill.

From what you've said, first, it's been clear from the start that she doesn't want you involved in the plans. Therefore, I could see her not liking it when you asked to involve yourself anyway, before and after the wedding. However, I also notice she had no problem accepting a substantial amount of money from you for her wedding. I also note that you didn't just go ahead and make plans, you asked her first. And, your plans are nothing out of the ordinary.

I also think it seem a bit cold to only meet the groom's parents at the wedding. When they've come from overseas, a bit more hospitality would be very nice. But at least she's being "fair" by not giving them any consideration either haha.

And of course you don't need her permission to have family over the day after the wedding. Just tell them the bride and groom won't be there.

On her side, I could see her being very flustered, a couple of weeks before the wedding. Adding on more might have just been too much for her to handle graciously at this point.

She said she doesn't care if you go through with your plans but to not include her, so that's what I'd do. And take note of her attitude before offering her any money again. Of course we all hear about parents who offer money, then try to do everything their own way, but not offering to include you at all or share anything with you throughout the planning process? I'd say either the two of you have some unresolved issues or she needs to grow up and think of someone besides herself. Best wishes.

I think meeting the grooms parents beforehand sounds good. As long as you aren’t expecting her to sort it out. If she is against the idea I would not push it. Hosting a post wedding event sounds unnecessary.

I wouldn't have a problem with either of these events myself. But what are the B&G's plans for the day after the wedding? Are they off on honeymoon, (or going home) or are they hanging out at the hotel for an extra day? If it's the former, they shouldn't object to some of their guests socialising together after they've left. But if its the latter, then your plans could clash with theirs.

Similarly, with meeting the parents, are you expecting the B&G to come too? If this is just before the wedding, then they might just be too busy.

@AthWat Both my family and my ILs have come together every year for the children's birthday parties. We host a family one separate to any other party with their friends. Although the parents don't see each other in between they still do Christmas cards to each other. They are very different people but are lovely to one another when all together.