Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

I'm in the US and it's customary here to host a dinner the night before the wedding (known as a rehearsal dinner as there's often a wedding rehearsal the day before), to which guests are invited from both sides who have traveled and are staying at a hotel or whatever, and close family members of the fiancé. It's also customary to have a casual brunch the day after. Both events are normally casual.

I think your suggestion was a really good one, and I'd be puzzled too at the response you received. I think you should ask your DD why she was upset at the idea. Have you heard any negative comments about the fiancé's parents? Have they been a pita in the course of the wedding planning?

I'd also ask her if there are any last minute tasks you could get done for her without mithering her for step by step directions. Maybe keep your eyes and ears open for signs of relationship issues between your DD and the fiancé too. Assure her that even though you've forked over a big chunk of the cost of the wedding, she can call a screeching halt to it all if getting married doesn't feel right any more.

Frankly she sounds a pain. As the in-laws are over before the wedding it seems odd not to arrange even a brief drink or lunch to break the ice. If they’re going off straight after the wedding, you having a catch up with family doesn’t affect them surely? We only met the in-laws in both our children’s’ weddings a couple of times prewedding over the years as we live a long distance apart, but they kindly hosted a lunch the next day which was lovely. All this stress stuff today, we just got married and accepted it wasn’t something out of 3 Weddings!

As a mother of the groom we never officially me the parents o the bride, i mean we saw them at their work/in the couples house but that is all.
all pretty shy people tbh

It isn't. She can turn up or she can go off on her honeymoon. No idea why the bride is kicking off. She has nothing to kick off about.

I would separate the two. Not having met the groom's parents is a bit odd? I am not sure why this has taken so long, I would have set something up when the couple got engaged. Your DD and the groom do not need to be there for this necessarily, but they might prefer to be. As for adding another function close into the wedding. No I would not. I think this will add to your daughter's stress levels. No reason why you could not organise a family barbecue or party in the summer?

So why is there an issue that she is too busy to attend?

Nobody's asking her to turn her wedding into anything. A couple of low-key events the day before or after that she doesn’t have to do anything to organise and doesn't have to even be at are nothing to do with making her wedding anymore than it is. Something the day before or after is not extending her wedding.

Who said she was controlling what other people do? In fact the OP specifies she told her mother she could do what she wanted but the DD was already busy and these last minute events didn’t work for her.

I'm sorry I'm just dipping in while on my coffee break so only read your post OP. My first thought was how could my son or daughter have a wedding without both sets of parents (if still around) meeting each other before the actual day. I find it quite absurd and don't understand why your daughter hasn't arranged this. As far as a post wedding gathering with relatives I can't see how this has anything to do with her especially if they are contemporaries and you don't get a chance to meet very often. Your daughter shouldn't feel obliged to attend this either. You have very kindly funded so much of the day this is one aspect you should feel welcome to arrange.

She's got her day FFS. Can't control what people do the following day

I think it’s far too late to be adding events to the programme, and also as your DD says there is likely to be an expectation that she will attend. Why have you left it till now?

So this bride is a bridezilla for not wanting to turn her wedding into a 3 day long event 2 days before the wedding?

Sounds nice. I can’t see anything wrong here.

Reading on Mumsnet these bridezillas are tiresome. They upset their bridesmaids, hen party organiser, parents, in laws. All to achieve the perfect wedding

Yes. But possibly the bride can't see past the wedding at the moment.
If she's making a big deal of it, thinking about a gathering on the day after might just be too much.
Even if she ends up enjoying the gathering on the day after the wedding, which is likely.

Like what? I don’t recall being swamped with lots of things to do after the wedding. We actually had close family come back to my parents for a relaxing lunch the next day before we went on honeymoon. All super relaxed

I think it's normal to meet the parents before the wedding but maybe it's a bit late now. The following day perhaps just invite your own family and then it's nothing to do with your daughter or son in law really.

At the very least, your daughter is being inhospitable and, all being wound up aside, I wouldn’t be having that.

I would talk to the groom about meeting his parents beforehand and would crack on with family plans for the morning after.

The morning after at my parents place was when we opened our gifts with a load of people wafting in and out. It’s one of my favourite memories. Just a gentle winding down.

Why?

Sorry

Yea. That’s why I appended my comment to yours and said “ exactly.” I was agreeing - and clarifying why one might “ debrief.”

I thought that pp was trying to say a “debrief” was overkill.

No you’ve misread me. I’m saying the same as you: it was fine to use debrief.

It’s right you should meet his parents before the wedding and I’d say it was a lovely idea to have people around but I’d keep it to your family members who have travelled rather than both sides

Oh fgs! What did you think she meant, really?

Lots and lots of daughters, as evidenced by this thread. As you said, they’re her in-laws, not her mother’s. Why do they need introducing prior to the wedding?