Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

Because if it’s like weddings in my family, people are coming from all over and staying The night in a potentially strange locality, don’t see each other often, and it’s nice to see each other and reminisce about the day.

YANBU OP. That’s exactly what happens in my family. Why is your dd upset exactly?

Then at every best the bride is overly invested and wound up about her wedding and needs to chill out. If she thought she was being required to attend and it didn't suit then she might have been a bit confused or mildly annoyed. But being "very upset" about something suggests someone either angry or really emotional about something really innocuous. So definitely needing to chill out.

It was a kind offer. No need for her to get upset. She could have just said 'no thanks mum'.

Don't take it to heart, maybe she's a bit (a lot) stressed with the wedding coming up.

As you've suggested, a quiet chat might help, with a gentle reminder that there was no need for her to react that way.

Sorry!

Good idea @GuttedMOB Perfectly fine to not have the Bride and Groom at those events. Hopefully you can sort it out with your daughter - but it is possible she and her fiance have plans to meet with his parents the night before. Just so that you consider that as a possibility!

Depends on the OP though doesn’t it. The OP stated she maybe didn’t make it clear she wasn’t expecting the bride to attend and then came into mumsnet, made a new username “guttedMOB” so it’s a fair suggestion that she didn’t just day ‘no worries’ when the DD said it wouldn’t work for her.

My parents did a brunch for there close family after my brothers wedding. It was fun and we all enjoyed it before heading home. It was much nicer than the guest house food on offer. My brother and his wife didn't attend, that was fine with us.

However when my cousin got married I didn't go to the pub lunch that would of been the next day but I believe a lot of family went. My son was incredibly tired at that point so we sat it out.

I believe the OP is talking about her close family not suggesting that they invite everyone at the wedding for another knees up, more its an ideal time to spend with family that she doesn't see often.

The OP just wants to do a nice thing and to feel somewhat involved in her DD's wedding. Really, it's a bit mean to accept money from your Mum to cover half the wedding costs and then freeze her out of wedding preparations. It doesn't sound like the OP would have wanted to take over organizing the wedding but her DD should have asked her for some input.

OP, you come across to me as a really kind and thoughtful person who wants to do the right thing. I wish you well and hope that all concerned have a wonderful day when it comes round.

I've never been to a wedding that had a do the next day. The wedding and reception is it. If I had traveled, I definitely wouldn't go as I'd be busy getting ready to go to the train station or airport.

I don't think a day after do is a good idea. It drags things out for working people who have limited days off and it doesn't work for people who have to travel.

Nothing I say is intended to be unkind or a criticism of either of you. I think you may have identified the underlying issue in your post above. You want to help more she chose to keep it to herself and the others and you are hurt by this. You are obviously good intentioned and want to be more involved and are possibly resentful that she is taking your money but not including you.

The underlying tensions make it more complicated for you and her. She has probably picked up on the silent reproach. She may see your efforts as criticism as you would do things differently including these two gatherings,

You may find it easier to acknowledge these feelings to yourself at least and then you can move move on. I would avoid the quite chat and just concentrate on enjoying the day with them and your family.

No it isn't. Do you live in Royston Vasey?

Why is it beyond the comprehension of so many posters that the parents of a couple might not have met?

Our families were hundreds of miles apart and neither were expected to make the long and expensive journey to meet each other before we got married.

DH's family travelled down on the day of the wedding and went home the following day. We had an afternoon wedding to allow for travelling guests.

No it isn't. It really, really isn't. See my post above yours.

We don't all live in Royston Vasey

You didn't go ahead and organise anything and they are both perfectly normal things to suggest. You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like she's on her last nerve.

It's odd that the two sides haven't met.

Attendance isn't compulsory. Why is it any skin off your nose if other people fancy another get together the next day? Doesn't stop you heading home if you want to.

She was apparently "very upset". Being very upset about a notification that someone is organising a small event the day after your big event is a huge overreaction.

Strange that the two sets of parents haven’t met yet, and see no reason why you can’t do that. You’re all adults so your daughter doesn’t need to be there if she doesn’t want to.

Not so sure about the gathering the day after the wedding. I bloody hate it when people drag out weddings like this, with another get-together the next day. Surely the wedding IS the get-together. If I stay overnight after a wedding, I can’t wait to get home the next day, not rehash the whole thing with the same people 24 hours later.

It has been pointed out many times already on this thread. Not everyone lives locally or can afford to make a long and expensive journey involving travel and hotel costs just to meet their DC's prospective in laws over a cup of tea.

Unless your DD has something planned for the day after the wedding and the time of the drinks event that involves the same people, I don't see how she can object. She and her husband don't have to be there. The rest of you can have a great time discussing the wedding.

The bride hasn’t kicked off, she’s said it doesn’t work for her and she’s not interested in attending. The OP has however come onto MN and created a post where a vast percentage of people are slagging her daughter off and calling her names. Hopefully the bride doesn’t find this post.

It doesn’t say she kicked off, nor does it say the bride made any suggestion the mother couldn’t continue with her plans, the bride just said she was busy and wouldn’t be attending.

But I’d realised that both ideas wer things my family have always done and thought she would love.

Yes, @GuttedMOB my family (including very extended family - we spread out!) always do this for weddings. It's easier for us, I suppose in that generally family weddings of my generation were always held at home, and extended family were generally staying in my parents' or my uncle's or grandfather's house. The next day party was also a time for people from the village to come & say hello.

She sounds overly stressed. Emotions run so high, especially a couple of weeks before a wedding. Give her a hug and enjoy the day. And don’t feel guilty for inviting his folks for drinks

Lovely ideas @GuttedMOB

It's a bit odd on your DD & her fiance's part that you & his parents haven't met, frankly, so your offer to host a pe-wedding drinks is a lovely one.

Could you organise something maybe a few days before, rather than the day before?

Maybe your DD is being a bit bridezilla-ish in that she wants to control everything to do with the wedding.

Could you throw it back to her by saying you wanted to meet your prospective son-in-law's parents, and you wanted to offer hospitality to family visiting for the wedding, so could you & she think together about what might be nice?