Am I being helpful or up-ending the wedding?

Our parents had a get together the day after my wedding - the marquee was there so why not use it., Mother arranged a string quartet and charged a modest entrance fee and the money was donated to a local hospice.
As for meeting the parents, I think it is extremely odd not to.

I think both events sound entirely reasonable. When I got married 25 years ago my PILs organised a rehearsal evening party for everyone who was involved in the ceremony and my parents hosted a barbecue at home the day after for all guests who had travelled a long way to the wedding. We had friends travelling a long way and they really appreciated that we had three days of events laid on for them. I think some brides forget they are expecting people to spend a lot of money on 'their special day' and they need to consider their guests a lot more. The more events there are the more fun the wedding is.

ETA: we attended both events, a wedding itself is a busy day for the bride and groom and the other events were more relaxed and allowed us more time with our friends and family.

I think it's nice to meet the groom's family before the wedding and find it odd unless they live abroad or its been a whirlwind engagement, or they are sick this hasn't happened. It doesn't have to be a huge deal and I'd fully understand why you'd also want the couple to attend. Could it be worked into something else? Eg birthday bbq or something going on they are already involved in? I guess it can be stressful in the last weeks before a wedding. For the day after event, this is a lovely idea in my view. My dad did the same and hosted a bbq following my brother's wedding for family that had travelled and invited friends and family on both sides. My brother and his wife attended. He didn't do the same for me due to a smaller house/health issues but it's not unusual. If they are jetting off on honeymoon soon after they might feel they don't want to attend.

You are not being unreasonable. I reckon she is stressed about the Wedding plans.
Have your family get together the next day if you want but don’t expect the bride and groom to come! Bear in mind you could be exhausted the day after the wedding though!
regarding the grooms parents - the meet up is a good idea but perhaps your daughter may have reasons for it not going ahead? We met our in-laws beforehand but tbh it wouldn’t have made much difference as haven’t seen them for 23 years as they live abroad!

Op isn't wrong. It's always fine to offer anything and to be prepared for various responses etc.

You are not at all unreasonable in what you proposed, but, given her OTT reaction I'd forget about what you offered and just let them get on with it. If you feel you hurt and need to speak to her about how she made you feel, wait until a few weeks after the wedding.
Considering your financial contribution to their day she should feel pretty shamefaced about how she reacted.

although I'm a little surprised it hasn't been done a long time ago.

Why @rb124 ?

The in laws are flying in from abroad. Why would they spend £££ just to meet their DC's parents early on in the relationship?

It has been stated many, many, many times in this thread already that not all families are local to each other or even live in the same country.

My parents met DH's family just once, at our wedding. It just wasn't affordable or practical to meet before.

Meet the in laws. Have yr debrief the day after. Just don't expect bride and groom to be there. She's stressed. Have a lovely day.

Your daughter doesn't mind you paying for half but don't do anything else. She sounds not nice at all. Women get married all the time, they don't need to be rude.

Think shes probably feeling overwhelmed

The pre wedding meet up is a very good idea, although I'm a little surprised it hasn't been done a long time ago.The "after" thing seems a little OTT - the newlyweds will no doubt want to relax and do their own thing after being "on show" the previous day.

Absolutely it is Daughter's wedding day.
But.
I think it odd not to have met the Groom's parents before hand. I knew EVERYBODY at our wedding. As I said "I am not walking into church and seeing strangers".
As for a family get together the day after I think that is a lovely idea, especially when some may live away and you don't meet very often.
Try a calm chat with Daughter, but I think she is being unfair on you.
Good luck!

She was probably going to do a get together for you all to meet ..but she obviously wanted to arrange...just sit on the sidelines..when she needs you...she'll come running...just ask her now and again...do you need me to do anything..
Good luck
Jenny

It's fine of you to offer and fine for her to politely decline.

However, I do think that not meeting your daughter's in-laws before the wedding is very rude. Your daughter doesn't need to join in and you would not invite them too close to the wedding.

I also think it's very generous of you to pay for half the wedding and your daughter could involve you a little just for your own enjoyment and for her to have your support in excitment not just monetarily. A little odd; no wonder you are second guessing yourself just to utter an opinion.

Meeting the next day doesn't have to be overly arranged or formal. Just letting guests know that, if they please, they can join you for breakfast at XXX. You idea is not madness. Bride and groom don't necessarily have to be there.

Your daughter will be taking time to process and she'll be flustered.

@HoppingPavlova the posters who think it odd must have families who live locally or reasonably locally.

My parents only met DH's family just once - at the wedding. His family live in the middle of a very rural part of the country and the children had never even travelled on a train before as they lived nowhere near a railway station.

They didn't have a lot of money and it was a stretch to find the means to travel to our wedding and fork out for a hotel for one night.

My parents died before DD was born so they never had another opportunity to meet.

They used to exchange Christmas cards though.

It's a bit odd on your DD & her fiance's part that you & his parents haven't met

Which bit of his parents come from overseas does not make sense? Why would they have already met, it’s not like they live round the corner.

My parents and DH’s parents only met twice. Same country but long distance apart (plane flight). First time was at our wedding, and we had more than enough on our plates racing around doing stuff, we certainly weren’t going to forgo any more sleep so people could be introduced the day prior! Why? They are not going to play bridge together on Thursdays moving forward. The second time was roughly fifteen years later when mum was visiting us and we had the in-laws also over, think it was Christmas Day but not sure now as decades on again. They had zero reason to contact each other outside of this, so no point in ‘get to know you’ occasions.

I have colleagues at work whose parents have never met as they reside in different countries. All of them had a wedding here (with family and joint friends and childhood friends of the person who grew up here), and then a wedding later overseas with the other persons family and childhood friends. Because it’s a dick move to ask a large number of people to essentially attend a ‘destination wedding’.

Just because people are married does not mean their parents need to be friends.

My FIL and his partner insisted on hosting a ‘day after party’ at their house and we were expected to attend as they had invited some people who weren’t at our wedding (we had a very small wedding) it ended up being a gigantic pain having to go - I was knackered, needed to finish packing for our honeymoon and none of our friends wanted to go because they had all already been away for the weekend for our wedding and they were all absolutely hanging after 2 days partying. Add to that my FIL constantly calling us to see if we had left the venue yet and what time will we arrive and I’m trying to pack up flowers and gifts etc - it’s a nice thought but in reality I’d probably leave the bride and groom alone. I did not appreciate rushing and stressing and then having to make polite conversation with people I don’t know that well. The meet and greet beforehand sounds completely reasonable.

🍿

I understand your daughter wants her dream wedding, but I’m sure you have looked forward for this day too and I think your daughter is being a little self centred here. I think you should just tell her that you will go ahead with an informal lunch the day after, but understand that she will be busy. I think brides these days have lost the run of themselves. And before I get roasted, I got married a couple of years ago myself for the second time.

I don’t think that you need your DD’s permission to host either the groom’s parents for a drink (frankly if I was arriving from abroad I would want to meet you before the wedding too!) or your own family & whosoever you wish to your own home the day after. Most family style weddings that I have attended in the UK have included this sort of gathering the day after, especially if people have travelled and it is in the home location of the bride or groom. It is normal and very enjoyable to carry on a little bit longer what will be a lovely event.

They live abroad which does tend to make going out for lunch a bit more difficult. Could be Australia for all we know

Tbh the day after the wedding if the bride is busy then what day does she have if you invite your family over to your house?

This. It’s a very normal thing , and the B&G don’t need to be there. Not her problem. 🤷‍♀️

I don't think it's that unusual what you are suggesting, but given the response you've had i wouldn't bother. Seems as though she might have other things planned and is now stressed about potentially have to attend your events. Or, shes not keen to have you organise anything. Look at it this way, with nothing to organise you can completely enjoy the day.

If you’re demanding she attend the events (or you have a history of pushiness/guilt tripping where you don’t technically insist but make her feel obligated) then you’re being unreasonable.

If all you did was suggest holding the event and she was free to come or not, you’re not unreasonable.