New partner over 40 grand debt

This is a massive red flag. Finances is a leading cause of divorce (not saying they are heading to marriage, just noting relationship strain).

As noted by many, she doesn’t need a reason to end the relationship. And this sounds like a major cause for concern. He has been living beyond his means for years. Not a foundation for building a shared life….

Does she want to continue the relationship? It sounds as though he's been living a flashier lifestyle than he could support and has now got to face up to the huge debt. If she stays with him she'll have to pay for everything - either that or he'll end up in even deeper debt. She needs to get out now before she's as broke as he is.

She needs to bin him immediately .

Run run run gambling??

Red flag definitely.

When you say very new partner do you mean new boyfriend/man she is dating? Because partner implies commitment. If she's not committed then she needs to ship out asap.

DH had some debt (not that much) before we married and I refused to marry him until it was cleared, which he did. He's built it up by buying luxury goods he couldn't afford, but which companies were very happy to give him credit for.

Throughout our marriage I managed the finances and kept him on a very short lead financially because he remained shocking with money. He knew this and was happy for me to manage things and control his spending, for his own (and the family's) good. It wouldn't have worked at all without that.

In his late 20s, DH had about £9k of debt, in 1989. He had finished his pupillage, had no family support and the fees weren't flooding in on a timely basis. He was on the point of giving up.

We need to know the context @Dontwanttobeapinkponygirl.

Run a mile.

I would run a mile from this. I’m not particularly good with money and have never been a high earner, and I can’t fathom owing this much money for nothing. There’s absolutely no excuse for someone to be £40k in debt.

The few times I’ve taken on debt, it’s been for vital things and I’ve taken small amounts I could pay back quickly. £40k would show a real incompatibility in both financial priorities and attitude to risk.

It depends… if he earns a six figure salary then 40 grand debt is nothing.

@Game0fCrones makes an excellent point. That's an awful lot of debt to rack up if he's only in his twenties and to claim it's the result of extravagant holidays doesn't ring true so he's lying. Another good reason to walk away.

So she wants to end the relationship but can't quite bring herself to do so? Is it because she feels that would be judgmental? Or that a "nice" person wouldn't end a relationship over debt? Perhaps she feels she could / should rescue him? (Is obviously not her job to rescue another adult.) Or does she have another reason for staying in a relationship when she wants to leave? I'm also curious about how they came to be discussing his debt because I would see that as a discussion you would only have after you have become serious.

£40,000 on holidays? Pull the other one.

Presumably, he's in his twenties so cant have been on that many?

I think this disclosure needs at least further digging but for me it'd be curtains.

I had a similar amount when DP and I got together. I’m glad he didn’t run a mile, I’ve worked really hard and it is nearly all paid off now. It is her choice but I would find out where it is from first. I’d been financially abused (amongst other things) and took out a loan to escape and start again, the only way to avoid the debt would have been to stay.

She doesn’t need a reason to walk, and I’d say it wouldn’t be for me, but a lot depends on circumstances. For example, where he’s been, is at now, and where he’s going. If he’s been at uni for a few years but spending like he’s earning full-time money, it can happen. It’s £10k a year, which is less than a thousand pounds a month. It’s unimaginable to me but people do do it.

I had a couple of female friends back in the day who were in similar amounts of consumer debt and had bugger all to show for it, they’d just gone too hard on the social life and buying clothes and holidays they couldn’t afford on credit cards - they turned it around. Funnily enough, getting into better paid jobs, being modelled good financial habits by their respective partners and being settled in a household with two incomes coming in was what did it.

Depends if he’s serious and working. Debt consolidation and saving hard on a strategy to get rid of it is a different prospect to being like oh well better apply for another credit card, this one’s maxed.

But if it’s a dealbreaker then it’s a dealbreaker. He’ll maybe sort his shit out then!

It sounds like you don’t even need to.

More context needed. What’s his character like?How did he build up his debt?

I think it depends on that, really.

If he racked up credit card debts on nonsense just to look flashy, then he is an idiot - so yes, run a mile.

But there could be another reason for it? Did he set up a business, invested, worked hard, but it failed?
I know someone who this happened to. His first business failed in his 20s.. but he got back on his feet, took another shot at it and worked really hard and 12 years later has a successful and growing business with 7 full time employees and is very responsible and a lovely guy.

Yes. I could perhaps see past debt that was an obvious consequence of something happening but with no reason and nothing to show for it run for the hills

@Dontwanttobeapinkponygirl she already wants to end the relationship so is she holding back?? get rid!

It would depend on the nature of the debt and how they're dealing with it

Yes but as her mum your advice will probably fall on deaf ears!

Yes I’d definitely encourage she ends it. This is not a person you’d want a serious relationship with. He’ll be paying that off for a long time, won’t be able to do fun things together or invest for a future/house and may even ask her to pay for things.

And the most worrying part is how he got there - bad money management, lack of self control or worse like drugs or gambling. None are attractive qualities.

Run run run. Unless there are very unusual circumstances, he's a spender and will just spend her money instead.