AIBU Not wanting my partner to go to his ex's house?

He sounds like a really nice guy. I dont think you need to be worries.

As ever, with any thread, we can only go by what the poster posts

Yes, of course. And nothing the OP says so far suggests that her partner isn’t happy with doing the extra school run.

Of course the ex would have to agree or he would have to take it to court 🙄🙄. I didn't suggest kidnapping the child. The OP implied the only reason the ex wouldn't be okay with the DP having the child more was because she would lose out on CMS. If that's the reason, then I'm sure she would be happy for DP to have him more nights if he continued to pay the same money.

As ever, with any thread, we can only go by what the poster posts.

He wouldn’t be able to decide to decide that unilaterally though… that he was going to pay her the same but have her more, I mean. If the ex doesn’t agree then he’d have to take her to court.
This way he gets to spend more time with his child in a way that seems to suit everyone except the OP.

just to make a small point. The school run is actually some of the best quality time i get with my DD as she is essentially a captive audience. we have some of the best conversations in the privacy of the car on school run then we ever do at home.

How is the ex “making” OP’s partner doing anything? Sounds like he’s doing it willingly. Why shouldn’t he do more school runs? She does most of the overnights.

No, but that's what happens when families break up.

I very much doubt the school run he does is exactly quality time together either.

If at all possible, he would probably be better off having more overnights mid week, but the OP has indicated the ex wouldn't want this as it would be less money CMS, but if I was him, I'd keep paying her the same but have more overnights 💁🏻‍♀️

Then he needs to tell the OP that and own it.

The OP hasn't really said one way or the other, and I'm not sure he would be completely straight with her anyway??

But the tone has implied it's The X requiring it and him just going along with it.

Either way, it's his decision, but there's nothing wrong with the OP making him aware of how she feels about it

Would you like to only see your child every other weekend and 2 nights a week?

Well, she's not is she? She's making him drive 50 miles to do another school run so he's doing the Lions share.

What if he wants to see his child for an extra morning?

She's allowed to tell her DP what she thinks, it's affecting their life and their relationship.

He deserves the right to know how she feels and have the opportunity to address it, before she decides just to walk away from the relationship.

for me, it would depend whether there was a need for it (such as the mother leaving early for work) or whether it was just the ex seeing how high he will jump. He's parenting in his own home, unless there is an actual need for it, it's just the ex still wanting control, to have him do a 50 mile trip for a school run. Wanting him in the ex family home, probably just to cause hassle in his new relationship. He needs to step up and say no, or just go back to her & stop messing the OP around

I think a bigger issue is the divorce not being final yet.

Sorry, that should read ‘how much maintenance she gets’.
Anyway the point is, everyone is saying ‘why does he need to go and help?’. Well maybe he doesn’t need to, but he wants to because he loves his child and wants to spend time with said child.

But that’s not OP’s place to declare whether it’s needed by the child or not. It’s between mum & dad and mum & dad only.

It’s not actually any of your business! I’m not taking anyone’s side here but this is between them as parents to that little girl. It’s up to them to decide what’s best for her. What you like or don’t like doesn’t come into it. You don’t get a say.

Why not? Is there a reason you think the mum should be doing the lion’s share?

Or maybe it’s because he likes to see his child for that extra morning a week? I wouldn’t like to only spend 2 mornings a week with my children. The OP said that the ex has calculated how much time he can have the child based on how much maintenance he’ll get, so maybe this is the only way he gets to spend more time with the child he presumably loves and wants to spend time with?

But the dad does this two mornings a week in his own house, he doesn't need to be in the exes house doing a third morning a week.

Obviously, if he's happy to do it, then going to do it if needed (for example, his ex needs to leave for work early one morning a week, then fine) but just to go because she can't be bothered to take the child to school also so that they can play happy families one morning a week it's just not on.

Codswallop.

The child stays at his dad's several nights a week, a nine-year-old does not need a parent to do a 50 mile journey to dress them.

As I said earlier post a good coparenting relationship is fantastic, a situation where the bloke is just doing whatever the ex wants is not, he needs to stop being so wet and step up

If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

You would if you wanted a close and ongoing relationship with your grandchild.

It sounds frustrating, but in the end you have no right to decide what is best for their child and what boundaries ‘should’ be in place or what causes confusion.

Don’t give any headspace to what his parents are doing. They probably don’t like her but are wise enough to realise that maintaining a good relationship with her ensures their access to the child at any time (not restricted to when the child is in their sons care) and generally makes everyone’s lives easier for occasions like birthdays, nativities, school assemblies and eventually graduations, weddings and the like. It really doesn’t benefit them at all to refuse to sit in a room with her.

I think you need to work on your jealousy. No doubt your partner is feeling pulled in multiple directions. Everything he is doing benefits his child so just focus on that. You aren’t in competition with his ex wife.

Maybe he ‘just does it’ because he enjoys spending that extra time with his child? If my DH and I split I’d hate to lose them EOW and 2 nights a week, and would take any opportunity I could to see them more often.
Ditto with his parents… I assume they go and sit in the same room with the ex because it means they get to spend more time with their grandchild? You don’t seem to understand that at the heart of this is a child who your partner and his family love, and they’ll put up with spending time with the ex in order to spend more time with that child.

I share a 14 year old son with my ex husband. We were married for 11 years, but separated after 7. We weren’t in a big hurry to get divorced, and we remain very amicable to this day.

I’ve since remarried and he’s engaged to a new woman. There were issues arising in the past from partners that would question the depth of our friendship, but it was purely platonic.

One of his exes spent a considerable amount of time demanding that he cut me out, but he made it clear that he would always maintain a strong, close relationship with me because we are still family. It didn’t go down well, and eventually they split. She messaged me saying “Well now you’ve got what you wanted”, which couldn’t be further from the truth. What I actually wanted, was a peaceful, stable life, for both of us. We were very clearly better apart, and I wanted to see him happy and settled with his new life.

I think it’s too easy to put the blame on the ex, but the truth is, nobody really understands the true dynamics of their relationship other than the two parties involved. You know the saying “There are 3 sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth”.

As difficult as it may be, I would try hard to focus on the positive way they’re managing the navigate the sometimes tricky playing field that is the world of co-parenting. He’s putting his child first, and making an effort to be consistently present and supportive, as is his family. I think this speaks volumes about their character, and it shouldn’t be spun in a negative light.

God god- it’s not about the actual task of the child getting dressed! You are being so twisted and missing the bigger picture.
It’s about the child having a normal school morning with Dad. Get up , wash , breakfast etc . I think it’s fantastic that the Dad wants to take part in the mundane elements and not be a Disney dad.
This is a child’s life not a schedule designed to please you . These years will shape the child. You are an adult and a step parent. It’s not all about you.