To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

Yes my DC also had childcare, I'm not judging, these stats are just seen at a population level - unlikely to have much impact on individual kids

25 years ago my DC were FF. My sister, mother were horrified. My sister just bored me to death about breast was best. Unfortunately, her DC caught every bug going whereas my DC have rarely been ill. Also, my DH was able to share the feeding as well which was an enormous help to me (lots of sleep!!).

Fed is best. You're feeding your baby as billions of people have done before you!

Why are you worrying about what other people think? When I told one friend I had breastfed my babies she looked pityingly at me and said ‘my breasts are only for my husband’. I laughed. It was such a pathetic and sad thing to say. I couldn’t give stuff what other people thought. I did what I thought was best for me and my children.

Formula serves a very important purpose - it kept my babies alive while I was in emergency surgery. However I have worked hard to exclusively breastfeed exclusively am absolutely proud of being able to do so as there are so many benefits to mother and baby.

Breastfeeding is tough and is not accommodated as well as it should be. Being proud of what you are doing is not the same as demonising formula, but it will be taken that way unfortunately.

The statistics are about the effect on the level of the population, not about your specific family.

Emma Pickett on Instagram has a post about responses you can use if people ask why you're still breastfeeding. I tried to share the link but it wouldn't let me post.

Breastfeeding benefits don't suddenly stop at 6 months. And actually as babies are fed for longer and towards natural term weaning age (which is between 2-7) milk becomes more concentrated in germ killing factors. It also has positive health benefits for you.

No body should feel bad for breastfeeding or not breastfeeding but unfortunately we live in a time where people judge others and many people feel it's okay to share their opinion so publicly, without a thought for the consequences.

My mid 20’s solely bottle fed DC’s (both with 1st class degrees) went to full time nursery at six months (as did the majority of their friends). None have any developmental or cognitive issues.

Times haven’t changed. It’s purely dependent on where you live and the circles you mix in.

Breastfeeding rates are very high in my area compared to the national average. Of the many many mothers I’ve met since having my child and going to various groups, only a handful formula fed their babies. No one was having conversations like the OP describes and there was never judgement about either method of feeding.

The big topic of conversation was sleep because everyone was completely exhausted.

I breastfed my oldest for two years and still breastfeeding my 18 month old. But I had to get help privately from a lactation consultant as I really struggled at the start at I had no support at all.

It also seems that once your child is circa 9 months old, everyone expects you to stop so it’s constant questions of “when will you stop”. FF parents obviously don’t have to deal with those questions. It’s quite annoying.

OP it is an absolute minefield, I agree. Well done on preserving through tricky times. I FF my first and had a lot of trauma and upset about it. Now breastfeeding my second after a rocky start (just for context). My advice would be if you are asked again to say that you are both enjoying it so would like to continue. Keeps it very personal and not FF vs breast. Also shuts down any suggestion of FF that might come from ppl if they are genuinely concerned for you. I think it's too emotive for many to have purely rational conversations about it

The main reason we decided on formula was so that we could share the feeding, particularly at night. Grandparents also loved to help. They lived overseas and my favourite photo is of DFil giving DS one of his first bottles.

It's called shutting down a conversation. Never in my life have I heard of random people asking "but whhhyyy" to a bf mum. I find it bizarre and if they did they wouldn't be person I would feel the need to continue a further conversation with them.

Very, very many years ago, when I was pregnant, I read an excellent book about babycare. The first sentence was something like this: "Whatever you do as a parent, someone will tell you it's wrong." Like you, I felt strongly I wanted to breastfeed, and if I hadn't done a lot of research beforehand I might have given up, as the midwives and nurses at the time were not particularly well trained in breastfeeding problems, and were happy to push formula, and in those days we were actually handed out free samples of it from the hospital. First child was entirely breastfed to 6 months, second was a bigger hungrier baby so weaned a bit earlier, though both went on with an evening feed for ages, and the third utterly and permanently refused the breast at about 4 months, so all babies are different. You do what feels best for you and your child.

See this is a really interesting example of not understanding causation v correlation.

If you put aside that this study was on monkeys...

The formula fed monkeys were bought up exclusively in a nursery with no infant-mother interaction. The breastfed infants were bought up by their mothers. The FF monkeys had lower brain matter

There is sooooo much psychological evidence that the mother-infant bond is the entire way we learn and develop cognition. Nothing to do with feeding - if you look at studies that control for that (ie human sibling studies) there's no impact of feeding type on intelligence. However there's a strong consistent finding of nursery in kids under 3 damaging later development & cognition.

My point is there are a million things to have an opinion on and feel smug about when raising a child. The teenage years will come along and smack the smugness out anyway.

I don’t actually think children shouldn’t be in childcare until 3, it was an example of such pointless thinking. I remember talking about the struggles of toddlerhood and mothers with their babies and toddlers in childcare saying why not put him in nursery then. Just shrug it off. You’ve made a decision about how to raise your child. Own it and grow a thicker skin about what others think. Nobody really cares, and no one is thinking about your decision to breastfeed beyond that two minute interaction they’ve had with you.

But it was though. I also had a baby in Covid and struggled to breastfeed with no support. Like you I put a lot of time, effort and research into it and also had the complication that I was SA as a child and have issues around BF because of this too. Despite the effort I still couldn’t BF. You saying that to someone is basically you saying that if they had just put the time and effort in that you did they would have been able to breastfeed too, which isn’t true in a lot of cases and sometimes also other reasons mean it is detrimental to the mum (and therefore baby) to carry on.

There are benefits to vaginal birth for babies immune systems, I wouldn’t go round saying I was so proud of my birth as it took a lot of effort but I wanted my baby to get those benefits, that would be very insensitive to those who had to have a C section and also just unfair as everyone has the birth they themselves need and baby needs, so why would you do this for breastfeeding? Everyone knows there are benefits (although the gap with formula feeding is much less now then it used to be) but there’s no need to point this out or go on about the effort you put in as if everyone should have been able to do this which just isn’t true.

There is also a benefit to you OP in that breastfeeding reduces breast cancer risk. The longer you breastfeed, the more the risk is reduced

But lots of us don't find low BF rates "appalling". I think there are loads of benefits to FF, which aren't typically reported on (e.g. sharing the feeding load equally with a partner, more equal gender roles in a relationship, better sleep).

Said before but I wish the NHS could find a way to normalise and support BF without all the emotional baggage that new mums seem to be left with. OP it's not right the way people talk to you about still breastfeeding but I can see how it can come from their own hurt.

There's a book about Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma which may help you. https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/why-breastfeeding-grief-and-trauma-matter-book-amy-brown-9781780666150 x

Best thing I did was avoid baby groups - so not my thing. I went back to work when they were six months old (normal maternity leave then) so avoided weaning talk (they were very successfully weaned on shock horror, jars and pouches)🤣

That is so awful, I'm so sorry.

Well, maybe times have changed. “It works for me” is met with “but WHY?” “You need
to get them off the boob” “there’s no benefit after 6 months”. If you just keep repeating “it works for me” like a robot you sound deranged.

This is so weird. 2 babies and I have never heard anyone ask anyone ‘if they are STILL breastfeeding’, from a judgemental stance. I have heard it, then followed up by ‘that’s great, good on you’ - ie wasn’t being asked with any judgement. How bizarre are these random mums are groups that you are hanging out at?

Well done for keeping going. It’s admirable. But bottle feeding mums (most of who will have ‘failed’ breastfeeding (I fall into this category before anyone takes offence)) might not be your cheerleaders. Just accept that. Any actually good friends should be able to see beyond their own feelings and be happy for you. But this is such an emotive subject with small babies that you’re best just to take people with a pinch of salt.

For these audiences, I think you need a stock phrase of ‘we worked really hard to establish breastfeeding, and now it’s working for us, we will continue until it isn’t’ - rinse and repeat. Remember in the back of your head that people are carrying their own thoughts and feelings about breastfeeding/formula feeding. As someone who ‘failed’ breastfeeding, all my friends breastfed, and don’t think any of us ever made the others feel bad - we were all mindful of each others challenges.

And then at your breastfeeding group/with breast feeding mums/with your DP/ with other supportive people discuss and get validation that you’ve done really well for your baby. Talk about those challenges and why you keep going, because of the benefits.

All in all it’s just about people being mindful of each other isn’t it. I have never fed my baby a pouch, which has been pretty hard sometimes, but I don’t get offended when people say ‘I just gave my baby a pouch because it’s just as a good as fresh’…