Daughter - Nipple piercings , no bra and tight top

Agree with you.

My teens are always embarrassed about me for one reason or another. Apparently my last lot of highlights are embarrassing (not quite sure why). I don’t think anyone would care so much about the Botox and filler (sad that she has it so young but not shocking).

And she’s totally fine to get nipple piercing, her choice. But not great for her kids and their friends to see it so obviously.She could hide those piercings round her kids easily enough surely.

Tbh I think she sounds a bit reckless.. tell her exactly what her son is saying. Agree it sounds like she has low self esteem.. maybe counselling could help her following break down of her marriage? Three kids and a divorce is huge for anyone and she sounds very Young for that imo

Offence is taken, not given. If someone is genuinely offended by the hint of a nipple piercing under a woman's top, that's a 'them' problem.

And you're prescribing her intent here...could it not be that "LOOK AT MY NIPPLES!" has never crossed her mind, and that's just how she feels comfortable? That's a couple of steps away from "Dressed like that, she's asking for it."

I strongly believe everyone should be able to go around naked (if they were warm enough). The reason I don't, even on hot days, is that we don't live in a world of "should be". While it's very probable that I'd be safe walking to B&Q with no clothes on, everyone who saw me would be embarrassed, uncomfortable, upset and/or offended.

It improves nobody's life to cause negative reactions by doing something needlessly offensive. DD's obtrusive nipple jewellery is not offensive in certain situations, where she wants to attract sexualised attention. In other situations, it is. Unless she's desperate to attract sexualised attention at the school gate, on the bus and in the chip shop, she's causing offence by making it look as if she is. (If she is desperate, that's a bigger issue and needs addressing!)

There's just no sense in going "Hey! LOOK AT MY NIPPLES!" at school pickup, is there?

OP, while I understand your reticence, your almost 30 year old daughter has not been blind for the last 15 years. She knows what ‘hotness’ is and as someone just a year older than her she also definitely knew about social media etc when younger. She is a full adult woman in her prime - a mother no less - and she’s deciding what she wants to look like. As is her right.

I agree that having her nipples out sounds tasteless and awkward for her son. Most women her age do not have children who are old enough to be aware of it. Clearly she doesn’t care what people think about it though and you can’t force her to change. So you have to get over it - because you’ve already said something and she’s told you to jog on. So that’s it. She’s an adult and it’s not illegal so you can’t do anything else. Maybe encourage her son to tell his mum he hates it. But that still probably won’t work.

Also unless she’s given herself a Neanderthal style forehead she’s had Botox in the forehead not fillers and fillers in her lips not Botox. Botox is a toxin that freezes muscles, filler adds volume to an area. Just for reference so you can discuss these things if you need to.

tell your grandchildren to grow up and ignore it. just like they have agency over their own bodies, so does their mother.

"Giggled at first until his friends older brother said ‘your mates mum must be a porn star on only fans ‘"

this is a disgusting comment and it is not the fault of your daughter, or her nipples, that this friend's brother is such an awful excuse for a human being, much like so many other teenage boys being brought up nowadays.

I was all for saying it’s her choice etc but actually agree with you this is going too far and is awkward for her nearly teenage children and everyone else actually.

But she is a mum. Her children are still young and fully dependant on her.

It’s unreasonable as a parent, and as an adult, to not realise that your choices impact on your children and to take that into account.

That’s not denying her agency as a person it’s expecting an adult to be cognisant of the impact that their behaviour has on her dependant children. She has EOW to dress as she pleases and, as a young mum, decades and decades ahead of her to dress and do whatever she wants.

YABU. Maybe she could chat to her son about how his mates making comments are daft little boys who've probably not seen a nipple since they were breast fed, and that piercings are nothing to be embarrassed about?

We were all mortified/embarrassed by our parents at some point; give it a few years and he won't care a jot.

Your daughter is entitled to a happy life. She's wearing a nipple ring, not a gimp mask. Leave her be and hope her kids inherit her confidence!

That’s judgemental and absolutely no help! Are you deliberately trying to make things worse?

Yes, I think a little self-reflection may be in order here.

You’re working hard to be cool about this but it makes me sad. She’s far too young for fillers and Botox which will only age her face. And her son shouldn’t have to endure people staring in shock at his mum’s breasts. Don’t know what you can do though except be politely honest about your opinion.

My first reaction is ow! Seriously though may be time for a chat .say shelooks good but DS feels a little embarrassed. She may be annoyed but DS should come first. Maybe just a blouse or top would help

I'd be mortified to show up like this at the school pick up...

There are many ways to look sexy and "hot" while classy and appropriate, the issue is she wants to be very "in your face". You are right OP it's all attention seeking and a little pathetic to be honest, her poor children. Really unfair to push this on them!
And if it's so perfectly ok, would she show up at work dressed like this?

I have mine pierced OP and I’m very careful about where and when they’re visible. It’s not right or fair that there are certain connotations attached to them (well, the women who wear them) but that’s the world we live in. Sometimes I hide them for my own benefit (don’t want the judgment) and sometimes I hide them for other people’s benefit (my poor parents simply don’t need to know this fact about me)!

I think what you need to figure out is whether she’s doing this for herself (she likes the way they look/feel) or if it’s performative (she likes the way others look at her/react when they’re visible). Both are actually fine, but…

There’s a huge difference between (a) liking the enthusiastic reaction it gets from someone who also thinks it’s a cool piercing - whether that’s because they find it sexually attractive or just because it’s quite trendy right now and (b) actually enjoying the shocked/embarrassed reactions it gets from a random strangers who would rather not have seen anything at all and feel a bit unsettled.

If it’s (b), it sounds like there may well be some deeper feelings she needs to explore, but if it’s (a), I’d just have a talk about boundaries and what’s appropriate in which contexts.

I feel sorry for her kids. She's acting like a teenager but that train has left.

This

i get she’s now finding herself, but she chose to become a mother and that comes first. Cover up at the school gate and when she has her children. Enjoy her new found sexiness when they are away for the weekend.

She’s risking her children not wanting to live with her is she dosnt put them first.

she is late 20's - maybe closer parenting would have been more appropriate when she was a teenager?

She is being very selfish and u fair on her children with her behaviour and that will hurt them and damage their relationship.
Does she know her own son is having issues with it ?

Yes but it’s not what we adults think. I wouldn’t care either if I saw a nipple piercing. But her teenage son is mortified and his friends are making lewd remarks. So yeah a bit of self awareness is needed here for the sake of her kids!

I think you need to actually tell her what your grandson has been saying. If she thinks the criticism is coming from you then it's easier for her to laugh off. If she knew her son hated it, perhaps she could save it for her weekends off when the kids are with Dad.

She had children at a young age and wants to focus on herself and not just be 'mum'.

I'm not into the look at it's up to her.

It wouldn't matter in an adult setting, or even too much on a day out with the DC and noone they know, but on the school run and around preteen boys isn't the place to be exposing nipple piercings. Its not hard to put a bra on to avoid the sons embarrassment, it's just like how it wouldn't be appropriate if a teacher was wearing that at school.

You need to have a serious private conversation with her about her DSs not being comfortable and the embarrassment of friends comments.
That's not policing her body. It's no different to if she was going to school smelling and with her hair like a birds nest and you asked her to wash herself and brush her hair so her sons weren't picked on for it.

I personally see nothing remarkable or embarrassing about a person of either sex with a nipple piercing. That may be visible beneath clothing sometimes.

I don't stare at or even glance at people's nipples while I'm speaking to them. And if I'm for some reason looking at strangers nipples from afar then my opinion shouldn't really be taken into consideration?