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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
JasmineAllen · 27/04/2025 21:38

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:21

No it wasn't a pet, does that make it better or worse? She said something along the lines of "He was a great guy, I'll miss him".

I too thought it was a small amount and maybe his family had the rest, and would they be happy where they'd scattered him?

To be fair, some people do refer to their dog as 'a great little guy' so Martin could have been a pet.

Screamingabdabz · 27/04/2025 21:36

5128gap · 27/04/2025 21:27

Pearl clutcher is a stupid insult designed to belittle women who object to things by making out they're not as cool as the open minded people who don't object. So I'd never agree anyone deserved to be called that. I do however think you're U. Firstly to accuse a bereaved person of 'performance crying', secondly to impose your ideas of 'dignity' on to others. For all you know, Martin may have been her child and swimming off that boat a very happy memory. The ashes themselves can't hurt anyone diluted by so much sea.

Who gives a shit about the actual alive people enjoying the sea and being assailed by human remains then eh? 🙄

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 27/04/2025 21:36

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:20

Especially if it was only part of him. Or he was actually a land lover. They didn't know him at all 😢

Show quote history

This has made me laugh far too much!

womenarehuman · 27/04/2025 21:32

YABU to say she was "performance crying"; scattering ashes is an emotional occasion for most people and it's reasonable to allow for the possibility that she might have been upset. Also "pearl clutching", unfortunately, has a bit of a misogynist history and tone.

Strangeworldtoday · 27/04/2025 21:32

Yeah, I am with you. Dead humans should not be mixed with live humans in a human sea soup. Scatter the ashes away from people swimming.

leftorrightnow · 27/04/2025 21:28

Depending on what country you’re in the sea could already be polluted with things much worse than ashes ; ) the sea is very big. There are no rules for scattering ashes as far as I’m aware and I’d personally not have chosen to scatter a loved ones ashes like that but who knows the backstory.

5128gap · 27/04/2025 21:27

Pearl clutcher is a stupid insult designed to belittle women who object to things by making out they're not as cool as the open minded people who don't object. So I'd never agree anyone deserved to be called that. I do however think you're U. Firstly to accuse a bereaved person of 'performance crying', secondly to impose your ideas of 'dignity' on to others. For all you know, Martin may have been her child and swimming off that boat a very happy memory. The ashes themselves can't hurt anyone diluted by so much sea.

Redpeach · 27/04/2025 21:27

She sounds bonkers

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:26

MagnoliaPeonies · 27/04/2025 21:26

I think it comes down to whether the ash particles sink or float.
If they sink then dissolve quickly (like eg pouring sugar) then it's a bit undignified but not awful.
If they float in a layer on top before slowly sinking/dissolving then it is completely disgusting. This is how I imagine it and can just picture the ashes sticking to the faces/ hair of people them swimming through that area.

Edited

Will he sink or will he float?
Is he anchor or is he boat?

Theunamedcat · 27/04/2025 21:26

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:24

@Springadorable I wasn't worried about my kids seeing Martin's ashes more about them swallowing him!

Nope, sorry my head can't do the mental gymnastics as to this being reasonable!

Looks like I'm gonna be one of those annoying posters who ask AIBU and then wont accept they are! Sorry! ;)

I'm with you just scatter them off a moving boat not in with a bunch of families

MagnoliaPeonies · 27/04/2025 21:26

I think it comes down to whether the ash particles sink or float.
If they sink then dissolve quickly (like eg pouring sugar) then it's a bit undignified but not awful.
If they float in a layer on top before slowly sinking/dissolving then it is completely disgusting. This is how I imagine it and can just picture the ashes sticking to the faces/ hair of people them swimming through that area.

NeilDiamondsBlowDry · 27/04/2025 21:25

It would bother me to be honest OP some people don’t think things through

Screamingabdabz · 27/04/2025 21:25

I think someone might have ‘minded’ if they’d got a gob full of Martin whilst doing breast stroke!

Original poster
Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:24

@Springadorable I wasn't worried about my kids seeing Martin's ashes more about them swallowing him!

Nope, sorry my head can't do the mental gymnastics as to this being reasonable!

Looks like I'm gonna be one of those annoying posters who ask AIBU and then wont accept they are! Sorry! ;)

OP posts:
Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:23

I must say OP when I read the title of your thread I hadn't remotely expected this to be what you were clutching your pearls about!

I'm sure this isn't the way most people go about scattering loved ones ashes but I can't see it did anyone any harm.
And if it gave some sort of closure to his loved ones then good.

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 27/04/2025 21:23

I think more than anything you come across as a bit cold.
“Performance crying” is a horrible term to use about someone who has lost someone or even a pet.
In the sea there is going to be all sorts floating around in there anyway, I couldn’t get worked up about ashes/dust. There will be far worse things in there with them in the vast sea!

Screamingabdabz · 27/04/2025 21:22

Another pearl clutcher here who agrees with you. Totally inappropriate and self absorbed way to scatter ashes.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/04/2025 21:22

It's finely ground incinerated bone fragments. No grosser than casting a handful of compost out to sea.
So I wouldn't be bothered. More a bit intrigued!

BlueEyedBogWitch · 27/04/2025 21:22

Someone I know was sunbathing on a yacht when she found herself covered in what she thought was sand. It stuck to her sunscreen, and went everywhere.

It wasn’t sand.

Redpeach · 27/04/2025 21:22

Very white lotus!

Apollo365 · 27/04/2025 21:21

I think I’d feel weird about this too.. what if you accidentally swallowed a bit of Martin whilst swimming 🤔

Original poster
Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:21

No it wasn't a pet, does that make it better or worse? She said something along the lines of "He was a great guy, I'll miss him".

I too thought it was a small amount and maybe his family had the rest, and would they be happy where they'd scattered him?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:20

caringcarer · 27/04/2025 21:19

I think it's inappropriate to scatter where others are swimming. No dignity for Martin.

Especially if it was only part of him. Or he was actually a land lover. They didn't know him at all 😢

caringcarer · 27/04/2025 21:19

I think it's inappropriate to scatter where others are swimming. No dignity for Martin.

Divebar2021 · 27/04/2025 21:19

Why would you not want your children to see ashes being scattered just out of interest ? It wouldn’t be something I’d be especially worried about. I was present when my BIL “ scattered” the ashes of my MIL. We were on a lifeboat at the time and the crew were all standing respectfully and I thought he would say a few words or read a poem but no he just dumped her over the side. Some people are not very poetic I guess. I think the scenario sounds quite idyllic from a setting point of view.. beautiful setting & families playing. I imagine the family were not really thinking about the “optics” of it all.