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Original poster

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:26

m00rfarm · 27/04/2025 23:25

I would have been fine with Martin's ashes being publicly spread whilst we were motoring along. But I absolutely do NOT want a mouthful of Martin whilst I am swimming. I would have left the sea extremely quickly and probably said that it was inappropriate for Martin to be in a position where he could have been swallowed by a number of different people. I would love to know whether Martin had requested being spread in the sea among swimmers, so that he could continue his life inside these people.

Takling the long route very the toliet. Poor Martin.

m00rfarm · 27/04/2025 23:25

I would have been fine with Martin's ashes being publicly spread whilst we were motoring along. But I absolutely do NOT want a mouthful of Martin whilst I am swimming. I would have left the sea extremely quickly and probably said that it was inappropriate for Martin to be in a position where he could have been swallowed by a number of different people. I would love to know whether Martin had requested being spread in the sea among swimmers, so that he could continue his life inside these people.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:23

Redpeach · 27/04/2025 21:22

Very white lotus!

She’ll be tellling us an incest story soon! You don’t have a son who loves his older brother so you Op?!

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:21

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

White Lotus Season 1?!

Profhilodisaster · 27/04/2025 23:20

Leeds2 · 27/04/2025 22:20

My dad died last year, and we were told by the undertaker that a human's ashes weigh approximately the same as their birth weight. I have heard several accounts from people trying to scatter their loved one's ashes that it is more difficult than you would imagine, as in they can blow back in your face and don't actually waft away as you might imagine.
I only add this for context!

My dad was a big chap , tall and well built, his ashes weighed a ton ! I was also surprised at how gritty he was , he certainly wasn't just dust .

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2025 23:17

It’s incredibly odd!

Marmiv87 · 27/04/2025 23:15

’Performance crying’ this is a mean thing to say.

Personally I would feel sorry for her and would want to show her some kindness. If my children witnessed they would most probably feel empathy for her too !

Sorry OP but you do sound like a pearl clutcher you should have just enjoyed your day on the boat with your loved ones and been thankful thart you weren’t in the ladies position.

BunnyLake · 27/04/2025 23:12

I’m quite happy to be a pearl clutcher, not sure why it’s so scorned really. I’m often clutching them over something or other. 😁

I would have found it odd that they didn’t go to a quiet corner. My dad’s ashes were scattered in the sea but in a more private spot.

FootFlapperage · 27/04/2025 23:09

Yanbu

MyLittleNest · 27/04/2025 23:08

Martin deserved more respect and so did the other people on the boat.

It should have been less public. I would have been wildly uncomfortable.

AppleBlossomMay · 27/04/2025 23:03

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/04/2025 22:49

Some of these responses about cats , goldfish, hamsters and Tanya from the white lotus are killing me - sorry for the pun. I just wanted to say thank you OP for starting this thread, even if I massively missed the tone.

Same here! I know the scattering of Martin's ashes was a sad, emotional event for those who knew him, but I can't help but laugh at some of the posts wondering who or what Martin was and wondering where his ashes ended up.

honeylulu · 27/04/2025 23:02

ohmyfootreallyhurts · 27/04/2025 22:39

All I can think about is Tania on the White Lotus

Yes me too! "Goodbye Mother!" then a couple of years later Greg had all mother's money anyway

PickyTits · 27/04/2025 22:57

YABU - I've probably had worse in my mouth than a bit of dead Martin

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/04/2025 22:56

Only half a jam jar?? My DM was very thin when she died but her ashes would have filled at least 3 jam jars!

ricardiana · 27/04/2025 22:56

I believe that's illegal, certainly anti social. There are regulations as for anything.

Lavender14 · 27/04/2025 22:55

BobbyBiscuits · 27/04/2025 21:22

It's finely ground incinerated bone fragments. No grosser than casting a handful of compost out to sea.
So I wouldn't be bothered. More a bit intrigued!

Logically I know this - but in reality if I was swimming and someone emptied ashes in the water beside me I'd be totally grossed out and feel like I needed to get out of the water. I think it's a bit inconsiderate of the other people around who might feel like they couldn't enjoy their moment for fear of offending. It sounds like they've just not thought it through well.

LittleMonks11 · 27/04/2025 22:54

I’m clutching my pearls - Martin deserved better

2021x · 27/04/2025 22:53

Hmmm I wouldn’t be too happy about it either.

The opposite of a “pearl clutcher” is “well it wouldn’t bother me” of which there are more than a few of on MN

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/04/2025 22:52

DysmalRadius · 27/04/2025 22:49

Are people really routinely swimming in the sea with their mouths open? I do anything I can to avoid a mouthful of salty water - is that really unusual?

No, no it's not. The sea is literally not for getting your 2 litres of water a day and everyone knows that it's full of horrendousness, whether you see people peeing in the water or not.

Amberlynnswashcloth · 27/04/2025 22:50

I don't think the ashes would bother me. Worse would be the awkward juxtaposition of a grieving family amid the excitement of the holiday activities. It wouldn't feel right to have fun while a burial is taking place right next to me. I would probably remove myself until they had finished.

Profhilodisaster · 27/04/2025 22:50

It wouldn't bother me but I'd find it a bit odd . Maybe Martin was a fan of the cruise and swim excursions and he wanted to do one more belly flop off the boat.
Rip Martin

maryberryslayers · 27/04/2025 22:50

I'd be annoyed if I was next to them, ashes would float for a short while and I wouldn't want to be covered in bits of Martin whilst swimming regardless of what else is in the sea.
I also wouldn't want to be witness to someone scattering ashes whilst I'm trying to enjoy the boat trip I've paid for, it's morbid and definitely something that should be done in private. It's also not really something that young children need to see whilst they are enjoying their holiday, mine would be worried by a hysterical, sobbing adult. Completely inappropriate.

DysmalRadius · 27/04/2025 22:49

Are people really routinely swimming in the sea with their mouths open? I do anything I can to avoid a mouthful of salty water - is that really unusual?

Doingtheboxerbeat · 27/04/2025 22:49

Some of these responses about cats , goldfish, hamsters and Tanya from the white lotus are killing me - sorry for the pun. I just wanted to say thank you OP for starting this thread, even if I massively missed the tone.

Edenmum2 · 27/04/2025 22:47

i think the great story would be worth any anxiety about the event