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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
Ilikeadrink14 · 28/04/2025 01:18

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:21

No it wasn't a pet, does that make it better or worse? She said something along the lines of "He was a great guy, I'll miss him".

I too thought it was a small amount and maybe his family had the rest, and would they be happy where they'd scattered him?

You think the poor man has been scattered in instalments???

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2025 01:02

pizzaHeart · 28/04/2025 00:26

I don’t think you are a pearl clutched, I think you are just normal. Who want to have the leftovers of Martin in their hair (not and other places) I’m not sure it’s what Martin would have wanted unless he was a creep.
I wonder why the amount was so small. Watch out OP, maybe she is going it in portions in different places because it’s Martin’s favourite cruise?

This reminds me of a conversation that happened after my grandmother died. She always wanted to travel but due to her disability that wasnt possible. My Uncle suggested that they split her ashes 5 ways and each scatter a portion when they went to a place they knew she wanted to visit. My Aunt objected saying that it was like chopping up a dead body. I could (and still do) see both points of view.

I got SUCH a bollocking when ma and pa were discussing this at home because I got the (morbid) giggles at the mental image of my Uncle lobbing a dismembered leg off the back of a cruise ship.

ThinWomansBrain · 28/04/2025 00:52

If Martin was cremated, presumably the heat would of killed off any nasties?

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 28/04/2025 00:48

I hate the expression "pearl clutcher". It's a lazy, hackneyed phrase used on here routinely just to ridicule and mock.

Reading back your first post- how long did it take you to write it and how many drafts did you have before you thought you'd got it just right?

pollyglot · 28/04/2025 00:46

Ewww...just no. Nononono. In NZ, it's incredibly disrespectful, and a rahui (tapu, preventing food gathering, human presence in the area) would be placed upon an area where ashes have been scattered, or someone has died. When a friend died, her son, a poseur par excellence, scattered her ashes over her parents' grave with a great flourish and following a eulogy, all about himself... It was a windy day, and a tremendous gust blew the ashes all over us...much coughing and sneezing. I can just imagine her having a good old chuckle about her last gesture to the little whippersnapper who never went to see her.

dontcryformeargentina · 28/04/2025 00:38

I’m with you OP. Ignore the critics. I don’t think you lack of empathy or a pearl clutcher

changeme4this · 28/04/2025 00:33

I would want it to be a private moment too. And I certainly wouldn't want anyone to be covered in Martin's magic dust, if I was Martin, I would want to be swept out to sea to continue travelling etc.

Christwosheds · 28/04/2025 00:32

Perhapsanothertime · 27/04/2025 22:38

As someone who regularly scatters ashes in the sea and gets them blown back at me I can’t get worked up 🙈

Um…. This needs more information I feel.

Heidi2018 · 28/04/2025 00:26

Presumably you haven't met this woman before and saw her cry for the first time during this event so no you can't assure people it was performative crying. It could be the way she cries! I thought that was a bit rude and a bit of hyperbole to try strengthen your argument.

Martin's ashes would be thr least of my worries of what's on me in the sea. It's quite literally polluted with absolute shite - althought that still doesn't stop me swimming in it.

pizzaHeart · 28/04/2025 00:26

I don’t think you are a pearl clutched, I think you are just normal. Who want to have the leftovers of Martin in their hair (not and other places) I’m not sure it’s what Martin would have wanted unless he was a creep.
I wonder why the amount was so small. Watch out OP, maybe she is going it in portions in different places because it’s Martin’s favourite cruise?

Denimwondersuit · 28/04/2025 00:25

“Performance crying” is a very cruel way to put it….

EastGrinstead · 28/04/2025 00:25

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:47

I agree, after over 21 years of mumnset I am VERY mumnset but I have to say your post is very pot calling the kettle black!

Coming onto a thread a slagging off the OP without even bothering to answer the original question is so very nouveau mumsnet of you.

And I was there and can assure you it was performative.

Show quote history

OP, you are not a 'pearl clutcher' - you are just unpleasant and rude.

TheOriginalEmu · 28/04/2025 00:24

I’d like to know how you know a total stranger is ‘performance crying’ as opposed to just crying.

your whole post is mean spirited and cruel. It’s not hurting anyone.

Coffeeteasugar · 28/04/2025 00:24

This reminds me of the conundrum about body to water ratio. Nobody would swim in a swimming pool with a dead body in it, but will swim in the sea with multiple dead bodies in it. What is the water to body ratio that people are ok with?

Velmy · 28/04/2025 00:20

I was there and accidentally swallowed a mouthful of Martin. His soul currently lives on through me.

He says sorry, the family are a bit weird, but he hopes you enjoyed the rest of your holiday 👍

BigHeadBertha · 28/04/2025 00:17

Yeah, I agree that's a bit much. I'd find it rather upsetting/offputting and would be glad my kids missed it too.

I'd guess most people don't scatter ashes more than once in their lifetime so I'd guess it's common for poor choices to be made when doing so.

CarlyCoffee · 28/04/2025 00:13

I don’t understand where all the dead people go.

Like graveyards are big but they’re not THAT big when you think about the sheer number of people who die every week.

I know a sizeable number will be cremated. Is that now largely more common than burial?

Because unless most are being cremated…where are they all?

dottiehens · 28/04/2025 00:08

Yes, I would do something private but you are not very good at empathy.

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/04/2025 00:04

I’ve seen posts were people are eviscerated for putting items in wrong colour bin
Pour MartinWhatsHisName in the ocean in proximity of others and nadda. That’s tickety boo
Op asks is it inappropriate to tip Martin in ocean during swim time and she’s a heartless husk lacking in empathy.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 23:59

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

Honestly wouldn’t bother me
Yip, you’re a pearl clutcher😂

sunshinespringtime · 27/04/2025 23:58

It’s totally bizarre. I agree OP. You don’t scatter ashes in water where people are swimming.

WhatterySquash · 27/04/2025 23:55

PickyTits · 27/04/2025 22:57

YABU - I've probably had worse in my mouth than a bit of dead Martin

This! I wouldn’t mind at all unless the ashes actually went in my face/eyes and even then only in the same way as I would feel about any dust or ashes. I wouldn’t mind them being chucked in the sea around me.

I’d find the crying and declaiming more awkward and prefer them to do that in private but I think I’d just quietly wander off and leave them to it.

Waterweight · 27/04/2025 23:52

I 100% agree but laughed because it's such a bizarre thing to do

OogieBoogiO · 27/04/2025 23:42

I would NOT be happy to bathe in someone’s ashes. Though, I can imagine how Martin wanted to go snorkelling but died of prostate cancer before getting the chance and now his wife and friends are helping him with his “bucket list”.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/04/2025 23:40

Sounds like someone desperate to have a fuss made over them because "LOOK AT ME, I AM GRIEVING". Yes it would be more dignified respectful to all concerned to do it away from the families, but then no one would have seen the performance would they?