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Original poster

Am I a pearl clutcher?

211 replies

Pawse · 27/04/2025 21:06

I’m genuinely interested whether I’m being unreasonable in being completely shocked by what I witnessed today.

I’m away with my family on a European beach holiday and we were on one of those Cruise and Swim trips that you can take in most touristy places.

We were at the first stop at a beautiful clear blue lagoon. The water was shallow, full of fish and an idyllic place for snorkelling.

Most of the adults and kids jumped in and were having a great time splashing about and snorkelling. I didn’t go in as I was taking pictures, but really it was too bloody cold for me.

Anyway, a woman clutching a jam jar with a ribbon around it, started performance crying. I thought the jar had some fine dirty looking sand in it. It was only 1/4 full.

She started sniffing and dabbing her eyes saying “Goodbye Martin.” Then her male partner/friend jumped in the water. She then passed the jam jar to her male friend and said “This is what Martin would have wanted,” at which point I realised in horror that the “sand” was actually some poor bloke’s ashes.

I expected the male friend to at least swim to the other side of the boat away from the main groups of swimming families, but he just swam to the edge of them. I was desperately trying to see where my kids were so didn’t actually see him “scatter” them, luckily my kids were the other side of the main groups.

The woman was comforted by a female friend when the male friend came back onboard. It all happened so quickly.

So am I being unreasonable to think when you scatter someone’s ashes at sea you do it discreetly on the edge of a quiet beach or empty them (again discreetly) at the back of a boat when it’s moving. Or even hire a bloody motorboat and do it privately and with dignity NOT do it beside families who are swimming and enjoying a lovely holiday day out.

I am still absolutely flabbergasted, but maybe I’m a pearl clutcher and just didn’t know it!

OP posts:
Rosejasmine · 29/04/2025 07:33

The tiny bit of Martin that went into the water was a bit of carbon. There will be worse in the Mediterranean that you can’t see even in the clearest water.

Having said that it was a strange decision to do such a personal thing in front of a group of captive tourists!

nomas · 29/04/2025 07:03

I think it was a bit of a performance and it should have been done away from the others. Although it sounds like it was just you left to watch?

If you were shocked by this, don’t ever visit the Ganges!

Nikki75 · 29/04/2025 06:48

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:12

Maybe Martin was actually a hamster?

😂

BitOutOfPractice · 29/04/2025 04:41

Yes you are a pearl clutcher because you clutched them. I mean your post is full of the judging eg “performance crying”.

It was absolutely no skin off your nose. You just wanted to pass on your faux concern hoping we’d all have a good laugh / clutch about it too. Not very nice.

Tortielady · 29/04/2025 04:28

Ladyzfactor · 29/04/2025 02:53

Former death worker here. Cremated remains would have zero traces of plastic in them after cremation. Cremation requires extremely high heat over a long period of time. The remains are not really bones anymore just minerals. They are completely sanitary and pose no risk. Also, don't judge the poor woman. Grief is different for everyone, and in her mind what she was doing was a touching rememberance of a loved one.

Show quote history

I'm not judging anyone's way of dealing with their loss and I don't think there's anything in my post to suggest I was.

I don't know much about the cremation process. There has been a lot in the news recently about microplastics and how they are in every part of us, our brains, bones and even our blood. It's not unreasonable to wonder how much of that ends up in the environment when we die, whether through cremation (apparently not) or burial (it might be more pertinent there.)

blettedmedlar · 29/04/2025 03:53

@TwinklyNightI’m reminded of my late dad’s bowling club in a popular park, they had to introduce a rule that ashes must be scattered in a particular place, but not on the bowling green because of the grey residue they left on bowls!

Ladyzfactor · 29/04/2025 02:53

Tortielady · 27/04/2025 22:05

Apparently, we humans are rattling with microplastics and it can accumulate in bone tissue. That might bother me a bit, but it's unlikely that Martin will significantly add to what's already in the sea. I agree with a pp who pointed to sewage and chemicals as a bigger issue than human ashes.

Former death worker here. Cremated remains would have zero traces of plastic in them after cremation. Cremation requires extremely high heat over a long period of time. The remains are not really bones anymore just minerals. They are completely sanitary and pose no risk. Also, don't judge the poor woman. Grief is different for everyone, and in her mind what she was doing was a touching rememberance of a loved one.

Miaowzabella · 29/04/2025 01:51

TeaIsNice · 28/04/2025 17:09

how do you know Martin was a human? could be anything. Maybe a giant fish.

I think Martin was a West Highland terrier who liked to chase his ball into the sea.

Kittyfluff · 28/04/2025 23:52

Now there's a bit of googling I could have done without. I was wondering if there was any toxicity associated with getting a mouthful of Martin water. Turns out no.
Also turns out some people do some really odd things with the ashes of loved ones.

Still, I'd not personally appreciate Martin being sprinkling where my kids could swallow his pulverised bone fragments either. Sterilised by fire or not.

I also know what you mean by performative crying.

YANBU.

AgeingGreycefully · 28/04/2025 22:46

I must be a pearl clutcher too then. I have nothing against anyone scattering the ashes of their loved ones in a favourite spot, something my family has done, but I personally find that whole scenario completely inappropriate. Ah well, it takes all sorts!

SpringSunshineanddaffodils · 28/04/2025 22:42

Pawse · 28/04/2025 20:27

@MounjarNo thank you for sharing that. I did wonder.

And your MIL's scattering sounds lovely and respectful. I too want to be scattered in water. In 2 rivers actually.

Preferably with no families swimming about.

Although that opens up another question in my mind. How easy is it to take ashes through customs? Surely you could take an illegal substance through?

Mmmm maybe the sniffer dogs would pick up on that though.

I took my dad's ashes on a UK domestic flight. I'll be honest, I was a bit worried they would confiscate him or take him away for testing. They did open my bag and ask what they were. I said "my dad's ashes" and then said "oh, OK" and gave them back with no bother.
Not sure how I'd have gotten on on an international flight but luckily I'm not planning on taking him on Holiday 😁

notgoig2careanymore · 28/04/2025 22:32

Friend of mine accidentally inhaled her Mums ashes because it was very windy…she was taken to AE and was given a nebuliser 🤦‍♀️

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/04/2025 22:24

One thing I found out about when we were scattering Grandma and Grandads ashes (ended up doing them together as he passed a year after she did) was that you are supposed to get permission to scatter them in water ways in the UK.

As for "bits of Martin in your hair etc" well lets face it, it is far more likely that he ended up down the shower of the cruise ship than in the place he was scattered. Doing it in the middle of an area being used by family swimmers doesnt really give him time to gradually spread out and become one with the water does it?

Interesting fact. Every single glass of water you consume has been through a dinosaur.

Pollenandbloom · 28/04/2025 20:59

I wouldn't actually be too bothered about the actual ashes (all sorts in the sea anyways) but more so about someone making a bit of a performance about it all in the middle of my swimming trip and hijacking my relaxation time. I don't want to be thinking about death and someone's ceremony whilst trying to soak up the beauty of the place etc, it's ridiculously rude to impose that on people. This is the sort of reason I tend to avoid fellow Brits on holiday (making an assumption about nationalities involved I know)

FeetLikeFlippers · 28/04/2025 20:52

What I don’t understand is how you failed to see the funny side when it sounds like something from a sitcom - I would have just sat back and enjoyed the show! As for all the people calling you mean for describing it as “performance crying” - surely only an attention seeker would carry on like that in public instead of choosing to mourn quietly somewhere in private.

RipleyJones · 28/04/2025 20:48

Given Martin has been incinerated (human / animal / other), he’s ‘cleaner’ than the wee and other molecules of human waste in the sea water..

Original poster
Pawse · 28/04/2025 20:27

@MounjarNo thank you for sharing that. I did wonder.

And your MIL's scattering sounds lovely and respectful. I too want to be scattered in water. In 2 rivers actually.

Preferably with no families swimming about.

Although that opens up another question in my mind. How easy is it to take ashes through customs? Surely you could take an illegal substance through?

Mmmm maybe the sniffer dogs would pick up on that though.

OP posts:
petermaddog · 28/04/2025 20:18

in the states have to be 3miles out

Roco11 · 28/04/2025 19:38

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/04/2025 21:10

I agree, they should have done it away from other people. (If only for their own sense of occasion!)

But quarter of a jam jar of ashes is going to blend in pretty quickly. I wonder where the rest of Martin is?

I wonder which part of Martin it was? Perhaps one 👁 one 🦵 and one bollock.. 🤔 🤭

FeetLikeFlippers · 28/04/2025 19:33

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:12

Maybe Martin was actually a hamster?

More like a goldfish.

laraitopbanana · 28/04/2025 18:51

Springadorable · 27/04/2025 21:12

Maybe Martin was actually a hamster?

A hamster that wanted to see the sea…

Trishyb10 · 28/04/2025 18:49

People are people are people, you sound precious to me

Ilikeadrink14 · 28/04/2025 18:42

Velmy · 28/04/2025 02:28

Fairly common no? We scattered some of my friend's ashes in a place that meant a lot to them. Her mum and Dad (separated) both got some, kept some in jewelry and scattered the rest in different places.

We scattered my grandparents at a family plot and the place they used to go on holiday every year.

Show quote history

Apologies! I had no idea you could do that. I hope I didn’t offend anyone by wing flippant.

HangingOver · 28/04/2025 17:21

Marmiv87 · 27/04/2025 23:15

’Performance crying’ this is a mean thing to say.

Personally I would feel sorry for her and would want to show her some kindness. If my children witnessed they would most probably feel empathy for her too !

Sorry OP but you do sound like a pearl clutcher you should have just enjoyed your day on the boat with your loved ones and been thankful thart you weren’t in the ladies position.

This! If I saw this I'd feel sad for them.

TeaIsNice · 28/04/2025 17:09

how do you know Martin was a human? could be anything. Maybe a giant fish.