Guilt trip over an abortion

@OpheliaWasntMad isn't that one of the issues, many people have such a low bar of what is best start in life. Doesn’t mean loads of money, middle class. But surely best start in life would be parents who actually want a child, not just being careless with contraception. This is a life you are creating who will have to live with the consequences of your carelessness. Maybe the child won’t mind not having a dad in their life, but many children do. They might not mind when they are little but if they become a parent themselves they might then feel the lack of a parent or wonder why one of their parents was so shit, and why their other parent thought it would be a good idea to have a child with them

So you’re pregnant by someone who you had known for a couple of weeks when you conceived? As others have said, you’re planning to have a baby with a stranger which is a very odd decision to make. I imagine that the father is thinking that he doesn’t want to have a baby with a stranger and is suggesting termination because that’s the sensible thing to do.
Why don’t you rethink and if you want to have a baby as a single parent, get a sperm donor. Doing that means you don’t have to saddle yourself with god-knows-who for the next 20 years.

Well being deliberately conceived by two parents who are in a stable relationship and both want you is a good start.

The important thing here is actually to try and build a relationship with this man - if he is goign to be the father of your child! You are going to be tied to him for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! sorry to say that loudly.

I think he can be cut some slack on initial reactions it's possible he was shocked/ stressed - but yes it's rude of him to suggest you did this on purpose

Far, far more importantly is getting over the initial bickering (As it's just totally irrelevant in the end - ) - is are you going to be able to get on with this guy for 18 years and more/?

What do you mean by the “ best start in life” ?

How many of us were born with “the best start in life”?

Class is irrelevant. Children need stability and love and working class families can provide those two things brilliantly .

I mean, it's up to you, but this doesn't sound like the best start in life for a child.

I agree. There’s so much judgement on here. I think your post was in a spirit of support for the OP and much more helpful than all the critical posts

I’ll admit not ideal, but I took responsibility for my foolishness . It’s not a dig at working class just the it’s just life can be easier with money and having the right guidance. Glad you have had wonderful planned babies doesn’t make unplanned babies less wonderful and it doesn’t mean having a loving working class home isn’t great too. It’s the women on here judging others. Perhaps we should all stop and support the op?

Well whatever he may think abut commitment and work etc, and his readiness to be a father, he still has responsibilities for the baby. He will be obliged to cough up via CMS whether he likes it or not.
In your position I would clarify that he was well aware that you weren't using contraception, so it was hardly a trap. He chose to have unprotected sex, and this is the entirely predictable consequence. He's 33, what did he think would happen?
I would say that it is very early days, and it may be that once he understands that you are going ahead with the pregnancy ( if that's what you decide to do), he will change his position. Currently he's saying he would rather not be a father at this point in time, but that doesn't necessarily mean he won't be involved further down the line.

Did he know you weren't on contraception? It's incredibly irresponsible to try for a baby with a man you've only known a few weeks. He will have rights to access with your child and you have no idea what kind of person he is

Flippin heck, I didn't know that me & dh being working class had such a negative effect on our poor children.
Even though we are clearly never going to reach the great heights of the middle class we have two amazing (planned) children and shockingly, unlike our middle class superiors managed not to shag each other silly without contraception.
If at 29 I hadn't worked out how contraception worked, middle class or not I would be extremely embarrassed by my obvious foolishness.

It’s interesting I got a lot of these comments when pregnant. People my age were shocked and made more derogatory comments. The older people I know (friends parents, clients etc) were delighted for me sending me cards and presents told me and their daughters I’d be absolutely fine and so would the child. This is true. I look around and see children my son’s age from two parent families who seem to have real struggles with their kids academically and with their mental health. I don’t deny two amazing switched on parents is the gold seal but all you have to do is go on the relationship board and see many married couples live in misery where the women is disrespected. Your child will not have to go through a break up and the Father is unlikely to be paying for court fees. I don’t believe they give legal aid to Father to take Mother’s to court now either. My son’s father would’ve never taken this route as it would’ve enforced accountability and he would’ve been made to pay. The first thing he done after his son was born is change his will to ensure his Mother inherited his estate. He wasn’t interested.

You’ll be fine. Children aren’t disposable commodities that everything needs to be perfect in that moment before they’re allowed to be born. Sometimes women who rent and cohabit thinks they’re in a less precarious position than yourself and her child has a better start. It’s simply not true.

Also studies show middle class single Mother’s their children do equally as well as two parent middle class children. A lot of the single parent rhetoric is down to poverty and many of these single parents aren’t that at all they have revolving door of men in their children’s life. They’re not remaining single. In my experience single mothers with their own homes and careers are cautious.

My son’s Father harassed me into pregnancy and refused to use contraception. I was being broken down I had my doubts but if I finished with him he’d appear at my house, or if I escaped him and went to my Mothers he’d camp outside there too. Pregnancy put him on the spot and he said “Now that I know I can get someone pregnant have an abortion”. He’d taken enough control
away from me by this point and you can’t possibly respect a man who does this. So that was that. Yes I was 29 and could’ve met someone more worthy but there’s no guarantees in life. Plenty women leave it too late and I would’ve hated that.

If the OP is still reading this and hasn’t been put off by the critical posters- I hope you find the strength and support you need to make the best decision for you and the baby.
Babies don’t have to have two parents. One loving and grounded parent is more than good enough for a happy childhood

Yes . Agreed. But I think the OP is asking for advice on the situation as it is now rather than views on her failure to use contraception. .

If he knew you weren’t on contraception he can’t argue you’ve trapped him. Why you weren’t on contraception is a fair question - is there part of you wanted this or didn’t care if it happened? Definitely don’t have an abortion you don’t want for the sake of this man’s opinion. He may step up once the baby is “real” to him, he may not, but you are 29 and solvent with a supportive family and a good job. You’ll be fine.

Wouldn’t judge that person less at all. Would judge them just the same.

@MoveYourSelfDearie I do judge sperm donation as I don’t think that is an ideal situation either.

As an adopted person I am not against that but I do think people need to be much more responsible where contraception and bringing children up in shit situations is concerned

Not really. Having two committed parents is the best start a child can have.

And to all the judgy pearl clutchers on this thread... Wind your necks in.
How is the result of this situation, materially going to be any different to a single, financially stable 29 year old woman with a house and a job choosing to have a baby via sperm donation or adoption? Bet you'd judge that person less though wouldn't you?

Firstly massive well done for keeping the baby if that’s what you want to do!

but I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first.

wtf is that ^^^^

who gives a monkey about his pathetic career

he chose the actions he s choosing the consequences (thank you Dr. Phil)

please OP work on your self esteem!!! You ll be a great mum, you dont need this piece of entitled shit!

If you have the baby, protect yourself and the child. You don't really know this man. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Don't give him the parental rights that would provide him with.

If he proves himself to be a decent human and a good dad in the fullness of time, the birth certificate can be amended to state his name if you/your child wish

@OpheliaWasntMad many posters, including myself, are concerned about the welfare of the resultant child. There is no excuse in this day and age to not use contraception in a new relationship.

it is not great for a child to have an absent dad. It is not great for a child to have a parent who isn’t interested in them.

Yes many children do well with single mums, but many miss having a dad.

I don’t care who OP sleeps with but I do care about a child

Bringing up a child is a huge responsibility, it should not be taken lightly. And yes in a new relationship contraception should be the responsibility of both partners

I don't understand these posts. If you're having unprotected sex, then you are actively trying to get pregnant. That's what happens.

So no you haven't 'trapped' him but you were trying for a baby with him. Did he know that?

I'm not on his 'side' but just don't get the disingenuity of these types of posts.

Yes - lots and lots of posters have said this over and over again.
We all know.
It’s happened now …
Stop just telling the OP what she already knows.