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Original poster

Guilt trip over an abortion

194 replies

DefinitelyMaybe123 · 27/04/2025 18:38

Evening everyone, I need to offload

I have found myself 5-6 wks pregnant in the early stages of seeing someone who I have known only for 2 months. I told the father and he said I should absolutely get an abortion - he isn’t ready for that commitment and his career comes first. When I told him no, he said I had done all this on purpose to try and trap him (I haven’t), it was all a plan and he fell for it etc.

I’m not on contraception but he knew that. For context: I am 29, own my house on a mortgage, earn £50k a year, have savings & have really supportive family. He is 33, lives with his mum and works away a lot. I feel as though it’s abit of manipulation and guilt tripping from him. I have already made peace with the fact that I am keeping the baby and I am coming round to the fact that I may be doing it on my own, with the help of family. I am definitely financially and emotionally stable enough to do it.

I don’t even know what my question is. I guess I just feel guilty that he thinks I have attempted to trap him when that really isn’t the case.

OP posts:
Arancia · 28/04/2025 15:00

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 10:42

I’m really sorry there are so many smug sanctimonious Judgy comments on here.

All those posters who are like to kick someone when they’re down by telling them it’s their fault for making a stupid mistake… 😣

It sounds as if you feel you can handle this .

DONT let this man manipulate you into having an abortion .

Make the decision that is in the best interests of YOU and the baby .

( and f**k the nasty sanctimony on here . 100 years ago those posters would have been the nasty people judging the unmarried mother for her “immorality “)

Show quote history

We judge because there's now going to be a child put into this world, whose entire life is going to be affected by the lack of a present, good father. In all honesty, I couldn't care less about what adults do, but it's infuriating that people keep popping unwanted and unplanned babies out when it's so easy to avoid it. As I said, we live in 2025, there's no excuse for this sort of shit anymore In this day and age of enlightenment. So yes, if you deliberately do idiotic things that affect other people (children), you'll be judged. And you should be.

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 14:58

A work colleague was desperate for a child went out with someone, told them she was using contraception, but she wasn't. Once pregnant she ended the relationship and didn't want anything more to do with him. Now obviously he was an idiot to not wear a condom but once baby arrived he wanted to be a dad, much to the mum's disappointment as she didn't want him in her life. But he wanted to step up and be a dad and she had to let him, and he turned out to be a good dad. Didn't go to mum's plan, but better for the child

commonsense61 · 28/04/2025 14:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

YankSplaining · 28/04/2025 14:44

It gets me how Mumsnetters think it’s awful to suggest that an OP who wants an abortion shouldn’t get one, but when an OP says she doesn’t want an abortion, people think it’s perfectly okay to argue that she really ought to consider it.

You know you didn’t try to “trap” him, OP. If he believes that, that’s his problem, not yours. Good luck and congratulations.

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 14:33

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 14:23

@TheIceBear but it is the same issue, same reason why I don’t really like sperm donation, deliberate decision to only have one parent in a child’s life and for them not to know that parent or know their genetic background

It’s not the same it’s way worse in my opinion, dragging someone into the situation who doesn’t want a child. Mind you this man was pretty stupid to just assume the op was using contraception or choosing to ignore that she wasn’t.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 28/04/2025 14:26

Congratulations on your pregnancy - you sound like a competent and organised woman.
I would possibly re-think this relationship as this man does not sound very nice.

Good luck! Be nice to your mum - your going to need her x

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 14:23

@TheIceBear but it is the same issue, same reason why I don’t really like sperm donation, deliberate decision to only have one parent in a child’s life and for them not to know that parent or know their genetic background

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 14:17

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 10:42

I’m really sorry there are so many smug sanctimonious Judgy comments on here.

All those posters who are like to kick someone when they’re down by telling them it’s their fault for making a stupid mistake… 😣

It sounds as if you feel you can handle this .

DONT let this man manipulate you into having an abortion .

Make the decision that is in the best interests of YOU and the baby .

( and f**k the nasty sanctimony on here . 100 years ago those posters would have been the nasty people judging the unmarried mother for her “immorality “)

Show quote history

To be honest it annoys me so much when on mumsnet people are very quick to judge women who decide to go it alone with a sperm donor. In my opinion that is much better than this situation better than this because the men donate their sperm willingly yet for some reason there is such a stigma around it.

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 14:12

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 14:05

Exactly. Careless, thoughtless, sloppy procreation shows an utter indifference to what the new human being’s life would be like. Totally and utterly selfish.

Show quote history

Self righteous pearl clutchers 🙄
Feel sorry for your children if they make any foolish mistakes.

Hope the poor OP has long gone .

Kalikaa · 28/04/2025 14:11

Groundhogday2025 · 27/04/2025 20:16

Congratulations OP. You sound financially and practically capable. Plenty of people raise healthy, happy, functioning humans on their own. And no dad at all is always better than a shit one- never forget that.
No- it won’t be easy at all and your career may take a hit (that’s not unique to single parenthood by any stretch!) but children are a blessing and something to be celebrated. I hope you have a healthy pregnancy, meaning it’s time to stop feeling guilty over something you are not solely responsible for. Cortisol is not good for the baby.

You're assuming he won't be around. What about if he's the other kind who i angry at being trapped and makes ops life hell?

SallyWD · 28/04/2025 14:08

Assuming you weren't planning to get pregnant why on earth did you sex without contraception?? You have both been incredibly irresponsible.

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 14:05

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 13:51

@OpheliaWasntMad isn't that one of the issues, many people have such a low bar of what is best start in life. Doesn’t mean loads of money, middle class. But surely best start in life would be parents who actually want a child, not just being careless with contraception. This is a life you are creating who will have to live with the consequences of your carelessness. Maybe the child won’t mind not having a dad in their life, but many children do. They might not mind when they are little but if they become a parent themselves they might then feel the lack of a parent or wonder why one of their parents was so shit, and why their other parent thought it would be a good idea to have a child with them

Exactly. Careless, thoughtless, sloppy procreation shows an utter indifference to what the new human being’s life would be like. Totally and utterly selfish.

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 14:04

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 14:02

It’s not a child, even remotely. It’s a very early pregnancy.

Show quote history

Ok - but she wants to continue with the pregnancy so I think it’s reasonable to refer to the child that will result

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 14:02

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 13:59

@OpheliaWasntMad but why settle for such a low bar. Why not try for an optimal start in life. People need to think about the resultant child and the impact their choices can have

Many of us work in environments where we are picking up the pieces or seeing the results of poor choices by parents

I work in those environments.
I don’t know the OP circumstances but she has her own home and a good job . Doesn’t appear to suffer from addictions or mental health issues?
Without further information I can only wish her the best and assure her that it is possible to be a successful single parent.

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 14:02

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 13:59

I think most people agree this isn’t the ideal way to bring a child into the world…
But since it has already happened and the OP wants the child I think it is more helpful to say that it is possible to be a very successful single parent and provide a child with a very happy childhood.

Edited

It’s not a child, even remotely. It’s a very early pregnancy.

pinkdelight · 28/04/2025 14:00

Just think of this guilt-tripping and manipulation as a taster of the hell you're gonna have co-parenting with this prince. Any particular reason why you picked an asshole you barely knew to have unprotected sex with and sire your child?

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 13:59

I think most people agree this isn’t the ideal way to bring a child into the world…
But since it has already happened and the OP wants the child I think it is more helpful to say that it is possible to be a very successful single parent and provide a child with a very happy childhood.

GoKatForDinner · 28/04/2025 13:59

Interested to know why you weren't using contraception. Did you want a baby? Either way, congratulations and I'm sure it will all work out x

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 13:59

@OpheliaWasntMad but why settle for such a low bar. Why not try for an optimal start in life. People need to think about the resultant child and the impact their choices can have

Many of us work in environments where we are picking up the pieces or seeing the results of poor choices by parents

heroinechic · 28/04/2025 13:58

Tell him to fuck off with his guilt trips. Whether or not you wanted this baby is irrelevant really. He knew you weren’t using contraception and chose not to use any himself (actually, I’ve just assumed that, I suppose there is a failure rate with condoms even with perfect use). We all know how babies are made. It’s not your duty to have an abortion to make his life easier.

Prepare for it to be a bumpy road. Think practically about putting money aside to meet your mortgage payments etc when on maternity leave as it sounds probable that you won’t have his support with any of that, with the exception of child maintenance. You have months to be putting money aside.

Also prepare that this might not be the journey that you always dreamed of. He might decide to be very hands off in which case you can’t force contact and might need to rely on your family for help.

Alternatively, he might push for 50/50 (either out of a genuine desire to care for his child, or to get out of paying child maintenance). So once your baby is no longer breastfeeding, you might find yourself in a situation where you don’t have your child around for days on end.

Brocsacoille · 28/04/2025 13:57

He lives with his mum, he’s hardly a catch is he. Keep your lovely baby, don’t feel guilty and end it with him. He’s got more to get out of you than you do from him.

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 13:56

@OpheliaWasntMad if she wants this child what made her think this man would be ideal dad material. Child will grow up knowing one parent didn’t want them or mum didn’t give a shit whether they would have a dad in their life. Great parenting!

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 13:55

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/04/2025 13:48

Well being deliberately conceived by two parents who are in a stable relationship and both want you is a good start.

Show quote history

Yes I agree - but many of us had a less than optimal start in life and it was ok. You do need at least one parent to want and love you . As long as you have that it can work…

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 13:54

Why would you get pregnant by someone you barely know??? That’s what animals do. We humans have the power to be more prudent and judicious.

Don’t you want better for your offspring?

OpheliaWasntMad · 28/04/2025 13:53

crumblingschools · 28/04/2025 13:51

@OpheliaWasntMad isn't that one of the issues, many people have such a low bar of what is best start in life. Doesn’t mean loads of money, middle class. But surely best start in life would be parents who actually want a child, not just being careless with contraception. This is a life you are creating who will have to live with the consequences of your carelessness. Maybe the child won’t mind not having a dad in their life, but many children do. They might not mind when they are little but if they become a parent themselves they might then feel the lack of a parent or wonder why one of their parents was so shit, and why their other parent thought it would be a good idea to have a child with them

I had the impression the OP does want this child.