Page 17 | Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

Middlechild3 · 27/04/2025 20:04

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 18:20

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

No I get it. A few years ago I worked shifts full time and the single mum in the flat below me had an equal life on benefits not working. Something is very wrong.

Vettrianofan · 27/04/2025 20:03

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/04/2025 18:37

Anyone resenting those on benefits needs to take a long hard look at themselves and their lives. Because that shit isn't normal.

Exactly. My eldest is on a high rate of disability payments but there's a very good reason for this. He said he would rather he didn't have his disability but it's how things are. Definitely nothing to be jealous of.

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 20:03

Rhinohides · 27/04/2025 20:01

OP for all others on here will make out you are unreasonable…you’re not.
And you have just provided a brilliant example of why socialism does not work. It does not incentivise people to work and discourages those who do as they realise their efforts benefit others while doing nothing for their own advancement.
Hope your position improves rapidly but when your friends children hit sixteen it’s more likely she will be funded through some course and get a well paid job while you continue to struggle working full time and don’t have the time, resources or energy to train further.
Signed… a lifetime advocate of paying her own way and providing for her own x

The Mum of four does work.

Mygosh · 27/04/2025 20:01

Nothing to be jealous about, she doesn't own that house and is set for a poor pension/life on benefits.

Can you not be happy that she is trying and life is hard enough without frenemies.

As for the holiday, she is probably sacrificing other things to have that holiday, we all have our own priorities.

Rhinohides · 27/04/2025 20:01

OP for all others on here will make out you are unreasonable…you’re not.
And you have just provided a brilliant example of why socialism does not work. It does not incentivise people to work and discourages those who do as they realise their efforts benefit others while doing nothing for their own advancement.
Hope your position improves rapidly but when your friends children hit sixteen it’s more likely she will be funded through some course and get a well paid job while you continue to struggle working full time and don’t have the time, resources or energy to train further.
Signed… a lifetime advocate of paying her own way and providing for her own x

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 20:00

Neetra30 · 27/04/2025 19:47

Think we need more context before sympathizing to be fair.
For example, did she intentionally bring 4 kids into the world even though she was a single mum beforehand? Or was she in a committed relationship, had 4 kids and then her ex partner disappeared?

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Well it says the dad is now abroad and not paying maintenance I can’t see how she intentionally made 4 kids as a single parent, surely they’d need different dads if she was sleeping around to create different kids and leave herself single.

WhoGonnaCheckMeBoo · 27/04/2025 20:00

NeedToChangeName · 27/04/2025 19:53

Claiming what you're legally entitled to isn't playing the system

But I agree that, in future, OP will almost certainly be better off financially from working

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Sorry but some people know how to play the system…popping out another kid when UC starts chasing them to get a job..exaggerating health conditions to exempt them from work. It’s disgusting but it happens 😫

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 20:00

I appreciate that it’s tough to be a single mum and pay the bills. But this crab mentality won’t make things any easier for you.

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 19:59

MonsteraDelicious · 27/04/2025 19:12

I'm not sure what she's doing wrong? It would be very hard to work full time as a single parent with 4 kids 6 and under so if she can make it work then thank goodness for that. Keeping on working part time and staying in her industry sounds sensible.

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I agree. Of all the places I might have expected single mothers to be berated (whilst totally ignoring the irresponsible behaviour of the absent father not paying CM), I wouldn't have guessed MumsNet! 😳 And regardless of the parents' behaviour, should the children be punished and made to live in poverty for a situation they didn't ask to be born into?

Stressfordays · 27/04/2025 19:57

BernardButlersBra · 27/04/2025 19:08

@Stressfordays no one made her have 4 children though. There's a thing called contraception.

The gravy train won't last forever. Isn't there a 2 children benefits cap in Scotland, like there is in England?

It clearly states her partner left her and moved abroad. That isn't her fault. I assume they could afford the 4 children when they were together.

Like I said, I too became a lone parent of 3 out of the blue. Not my fault at all. I work full time now my children are older and I'm still entitled to a small amount of UC. I'm a nurse too so have a good job. You can't expect a mother of 4 with children under 6 to work full time. OP also stated once her children are older she has a good career she can return to. Honestly, give the poor woman a break.

Teacupover5 · 27/04/2025 19:57

CleverLemonLurker · 27/04/2025 19:55

Pay rise or new job?

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WhoGonnaCheckMeBoo · 27/04/2025 19:57

I sometimes feel like this as all I’ve known is financial struggles…HOWEVER..I’ve powered through (as a single mum since DC was a baby) and my now 19 year old has an excellent work ethic! She is studying and working 2 PT jobs, and if off to a top London uni in Sept….she knows if she wants something she’s got to work for it! Think of the example you are setting for your kids 😊

AFrankExchangeofViews · 27/04/2025 19:57

Might be ok now, but what happens when the youngest is out of education. Bedroom tax comes into play, under occupancy might mean she needs to move. And shes on state benefits for her pension too. I wouldnt want it.

Mumnotbruh · 27/04/2025 19:56

She has 4 young children, works part time and has no support from the father. Your 'friend' is exactly the type of person UC should be supporting unyil she is working FT again, presumably once her children are older.

I am in a similar situation. I work in a well respected profession 3 days a week but am a single parent with no support from the father so get a small amount (£200 a month). I too have holidays abroad but I budget exceptionally well- no credit cards, no car finance, clothes from Vinted, batch cook, no Sky TV, no coffees/meals out, no nails/brows etc. Living like that means I can afford holidays. Maybe your 'friend' is the same.

QueefQueen80s · 27/04/2025 19:56

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/04/2025 19:03

This @ArlJudey.

Your friend's partner has not long left her, a single mother of 4 children and you're feeling resentment towards her? Give your head a wobble.

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This
can’t imagine bringing 2 kids up alone, let alone 4. And working. Give her a break

thatsalad · 27/04/2025 19:56

If it looks so appealing, quit your job and start living like her? Especially make sure you become a single mother of 4, because that part sounds great...

CleverLemonLurker · 27/04/2025 19:55

Teacupover5 · 27/04/2025 19:54

”Luck out on benefits “-That makes me so angry .
I just got a £1200 a month pay rise and will get £500 to keep for lots of time away from my family guess I didn’t luck out

Pay rise or new job?

Teacupover5 · 27/04/2025 19:54

”Luck out on benefits “-That makes me so angry .
I just got a £1200 a month pay rise and will get £500 to keep for lots of time away from my family guess I didn’t luck out

NeedToChangeName · 27/04/2025 19:53

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 18:37

MN seems to want to deny this happens, but it does, quite often. People know how to play the system. But, what do they actually have at the end of it? The children are grown and gone, those benefit stop and then what?

Claiming what you're legally entitled to isn't playing the system

But I agree that, in future, OP will almost certainly be better off financially from working

Dymaxion · 27/04/2025 19:52

her youngest is 2, eldest 6 (twins in between)

And she is on her own with them , how old was the youngest when the Father left them all ?

VicksJunkie · 27/04/2025 19:52

ChickenBananas · 27/04/2025 18:22

Quit and sign on then?

This. Report back to us so we too can envy your easy lifestyle.

CleverLemonLurker · 27/04/2025 19:52

Have you actually calculated how much money she gets

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 19:51

BernardButlersBra · 27/04/2025 19:08

@Stressfordays no one made her have 4 children though. There's a thing called contraception.

The gravy train won't last forever. Isn't there a 2 children benefits cap in Scotland, like there is in England?

Yes, but multiple births are exempt so her friend will receive UC for her first-born and the twins, but not for her fourth child.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 27/04/2025 19:51

YANBU, I can understand your frustration

ClaudiusTheGod · 27/04/2025 19:50

Morningup · 27/04/2025 18:52

4 children (and I’d be surprised if not at least one ND)
on her own
working 15 hours in no doubt an unskilled minimum wage job
3 bed council house for - 5 bed family

if you’re jealous of this… then I feel sorry for you op

Why is one ND?