Page 16 | Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

ArlJudey · 2025-04-27T17:20:16+00:00

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc. Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc. AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure. I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 20:30

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

You are actually just a crap friend. She’s not even 30, had 4 kids while married to a working man. Now he’s ditched her and his children and isn’t paying for them she’s getting help while she needs it the most. This is what the system is for, and she’s still working while raising 4 kids alone after being dumped! Sounds like there’s a great chance she will go full time as her kids get older and be able to contribute more to the system. Meanwhile you will always be a crappy judgmental friend. Nobody knows what’s ahead of them, it’s not like she planned this outcome or that you can be certain you will never end up using the benefits system too.

FedupofArsenalgame · 27/04/2025 20:30

Rhinohides · 27/04/2025 20:01

OP for all others on here will make out you are unreasonable…you’re not.
And you have just provided a brilliant example of why socialism does not work. It does not incentivise people to work and discourages those who do as they realise their efforts benefit others while doing nothing for their own advancement.
Hope your position improves rapidly but when your friends children hit sixteen it’s more likely she will be funded through some course and get a well paid job while you continue to struggle working full time and don’t have the time, resources or energy to train further.
Signed… a lifetime advocate of paying her own way and providing for her own x

She is working though. And likely to increase hours as kids grow. Wonder how many of those SAHM with rich husbands would cope if they suddenly buggered off to another country and paid no maintenance

Thelnebriati · 27/04/2025 20:29

You really think a woman with 4 kids and a degree who works 15 hours a week shouldn't be better off than a single person on minimum wage?

People need to engage their brains.

Lavender14 · 27/04/2025 20:29

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2025 18:24

The Scottish Government have very purposely focussed on reducing child poverty which is a good thing. If your income was low enough you’d also be entitled to tops ups, Scottish child payment etc. You’ve already identified choices you’ve made about your money that are different to hers, she manages her money differently.

This^

She obviously is utilising and prioritising her money in very different ways to you. You're buying new clothes, repaying loans, running a car which is a huge expense etc while she's buying second hand clothes and no car. It sounds like she's living pretty frugally on the day to day and then saving for bigger things like holidays and Christmas.

I wouldn't begrudge her but I'd reassess your own finances.

1SillySossij · 27/04/2025 20:28

Yanbu, and that epitomises why we are so unproductive as a nation. You should never be BG better off on benefits than working.

lalalalalala2024 · 27/04/2025 20:26

I’m sure the last post people told you to make a claim to see if you’re entitled to anything

Pickledpoppetpickle · 27/04/2025 20:26

LoztWorld · 27/04/2025 20:21

Are people not reading OP’s posts? She has a degree and works in her industry. When the kids are at school she’ll work more hours.

The kids’ father left and doesn’t contribute.

Could someone who takes issue with this actually suggest what this woman is meant to do in these circumstances? It wouldn’t actually be possible for her to work many more hours would it?

Actually reading, understanding and then thinking about this woman's situation would get in the way of all the frothing...how dare a single parentbthinknthey man work part time.

OP, please leave this woman alone. You are not friends.

LoztWorld · 27/04/2025 20:26

This is exactly who benefits are for surely. She’s using them as a crutch to get through an unforeseen difficult time, working enough to remain employable in her industry so she can support herself once her kids are in school.

If you don’t think this woman should get benefits you must just not believe anyone should.

FedupofArsenalgame · 27/04/2025 20:26

AFrankExchangeofViews · 27/04/2025 19:57

Might be ok now, but what happens when the youngest is out of education. Bedroom tax comes into play, under occupancy might mean she needs to move. And shes on state benefits for her pension too. I wouldnt want it.

She could well be working full time long before then and not get anything benefits wise

Original poster

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

OP posts:

ThriveAT · 27/04/2025 20:24

You are setting the right example to your children OP. I can understand your resentment - this is taxpayer's money after all - but stay in your own lane and stop comparing.

AthWat · 27/04/2025 20:24

GustyBaloo · 27/04/2025 18:48

Getting them through an airport, not going to...

But yeah twins - what a lifestyle choice. Being single too. To what I can understand is one father.

Pop your rolling eyes back in.

Show quote history

I'm no expert, but I believe twins generally do have one father.

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 20:22

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 20:08

Entirely, entirely different. The woman is ops post choose to have four children. The option to NOT have four children was literally freely available to her. I do not think many people choose a disability and if they had the ability to choose not to have it? As you say, they absolutely would.

Show quote history

OP's friend chose to have four children with her "D"H who has subsequently buggered off abroad and isn't even paying maintenance for his progeny. I have to keep reminding myself I'm on a site called "Mums"net because not only is OP's friend managing four children under six by herself (OP said she has no family to help) and also working 15hrs pw, but it's her that's receiving the opprobrium of OP and some on here, rather than the absent father. It sounds to me like this poor woman is working very hard.

LoztWorld · 27/04/2025 20:21

Are people not reading OP’s posts? She has a degree and works in her industry. When the kids are at school she’ll work more hours.

The kids’ father left and doesn’t contribute.

Could someone who takes issue with this actually suggest what this woman is meant to do in these circumstances? It wouldn’t actually be possible for her to work many more hours would it?

thatsgotit · 27/04/2025 20:21

Not another of these threads. If she has such a brilliant life, quit your job and sign on and your life (according to your logic anyway) can be just like hers. Presumably. 🙄

Octavia64 · 27/04/2025 20:19

I had twins.

I am not envious in any way shape or form of someone who has four kids with twins in the mix.

she must be a saint.

i said no more!

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/04/2025 20:16

Would you really want to swap though - four kids and no vehicle, that doesn't sound like getting anywhere is easy or convenient!

No debt is lovely, I also have no debt - I got 'lucky' in that I inherited enough to buy a house (not a NICE house mind you... not that lucky) - so I have no mortgage.

What decisions did you make that led to you having debt you need to pay off... would you do differently in hindsight?

Wasting time being jealous of what someone else has won't improve your life.

Pikablue · 27/04/2025 20:15

I feel the same towards my brother to be honest. He's a truly awful person who has made some disgusting life choices yet he has a nice secure flat, is by no means rich but doesn't have to worry too much about money and hasn't worked a day in his life. Realistically though he is at the mercy of the state- they could cut benefits at any time, he can't just up and move, he adds nothing of value to society which must be soul destroying. Before people moan about me suggesting everyone is like this, no of course they aren't, but I am replying to OP with a specific example.

Thistoo2023 · 27/04/2025 20:15

GoodCharl · 27/04/2025 18:25

Yes i made a comment to friend the other day that ive done life wrong and is it too late for another baby at 42 so i can claim and get a council house? Takes the piss

Edited

I aspire to be this aspirational…

Musclewoman · 27/04/2025 20:11

GoodCharl · 27/04/2025 18:25

Yes i made a comment to friend the other day that ive done life wrong and is it too late for another baby at 42 so i can claim and get a council house? Takes the piss

Edited

Pathetic.....many of us want a job but don't fit the diversity quota description.....! You make it sound like it's a lifestyle choice 🙄

Flytrap01 · 27/04/2025 20:10

WhoGonnaCheckMeBoo · 27/04/2025 20:00

Sorry but some people know how to play the system…popping out another kid when UC starts chasing them to get a job..exaggerating health conditions to exempt them from work. It’s disgusting but it happens 😫

Show quote history

and corporations with their fancy accountants too ?

viques · 27/04/2025 20:09

@ArlJudey And when she reaches “ retirement” age and only has a basic state pension to live on, you will be the one flaunting your superior lifestyle because you will have your state pension, your private pension, the equity you released when you downsized, the security of your investments and the knowledge that your childrens financial future will be secure because you have made sure that they got a good education and learned the value of understanding personal finances at a young age.

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 20:08

Vettrianofan · 27/04/2025 20:03

Exactly. My eldest is on a high rate of disability payments but there's a very good reason for this. He said he would rather he didn't have his disability but it's how things are. Definitely nothing to be jealous of.

Show quote history

Entirely, entirely different. The woman is ops post choose to have four children. The option to NOT have four children was literally freely available to her. I do not think many people choose a disability and if they had the ability to choose not to have it? As you say, they absolutely would.

Saltedbuttertree · 27/04/2025 20:07

The council house will be the main reason she's better off. Someone will no doubt be along to insist they live in a council house and have high rent as always happens online 🙄but in the real world all my friends in council houses pay less than half the rent regular renter's pay. Sometimes their rent is straight up a third or even a quarter of what it would be if the same house was on rightmove

Trust me regular renter's on benefits are not living a life of luxury

Flytrap01 · 27/04/2025 20:06

Rhinohides · 27/04/2025 20:01

OP for all others on here will make out you are unreasonable…you’re not.
And you have just provided a brilliant example of why socialism does not work. It does not incentivise people to work and discourages those who do as they realise their efforts benefit others while doing nothing for their own advancement.
Hope your position improves rapidly but when your friends children hit sixteen it’s more likely she will be funded through some course and get a well paid job while you continue to struggle working full time and don’t have the time, resources or energy to train further.
Signed… a lifetime advocate of paying her own way and providing for her own x

and if you had full pure capitalism, half of the population would not be equipped for being part of society

so it goes both ways