Page 15 | Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

Mrsgreen100 · 27/04/2025 21:44

I’m with you , I have two people I know who haven’t worked for years , they have more disposable income than me
I’ve worked hard my whole life , it seriously pisses me off
living on benefits needs to be changed
it’s ridiculous, the rest of us are paying for them

Fofftwenty21 · 27/04/2025 21:39

Yes YABU.

Your time would be better spent looking at what changes you want to make in your own life.

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 21:27

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

What do you think is wrong with it?

ksksn10 · 27/04/2025 21:23

@Lookuptotheskies I agree, I think good on her if she’s stayed in her field. I think she sounds great.

ksksn10 · 27/04/2025 21:22

I’d be glad if my friends kids were well looked after and my friend was happy but I get what you mean.

Lookuptotheskies · 27/04/2025 21:10

She sounds like an amazing mum juggling four under 6 since dad buggered off, she has zero help from him practical or financial. And she is educated and working too.

When he left she couldn't afford private rent and now has a council house. So she was no doubt at one point after he left scared she'd have no home. 😔 I'm so pleased for her that she now has a secure long term tenancy.

She doesn't spend on herself eg hair and nails, she buys meal plan food deliveries (good option I think, I bet she has little time to meal plan and meal prep!) and they probably work out good value for her tbh. She budgets to make sure her kids have nice activities and a summer holiday. Good for her!

You sound so envious and mean spirited OP. I'm sorry you're so bitter about it all.

Happilyobtuse · 27/04/2025 21:05

Normally I am against anyone on benefits doing better than anyone in full time work. But your friend has 4 kids and no partner, she still works 15hrs, I honestly commend that and think she deserves every penny she gets! If she wasn’t working at all I could understand your stance but she is working and managing small children all on her own. Kudos to her! You are unfortunately not a true friend!

Beadedcat · 27/04/2025 21:01

This is insane. It must be incredible difficult, beyond difficult, coping alone with 4 young children (including twins!), and working when the youngest is only 2. Just imagining the physical exhaustion and sleep deprivation is beyond me.

Winifredtabago · 27/04/2025 21:00

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 18:37

MN seems to want to deny this happens, but it does, quite often. People know how to play the system. But, what do they actually have at the end of it? The children are grown and gone, those benefit stop and then what?

Next up claim for anxiety or depression.

ForPearlNewt · 27/04/2025 20:54

crackofdoom · 27/04/2025 19:14

You are envious of a single mum with a 2 year old, 4 year old twins and a 6 year old?!

Oh, and she's working, too?

I am full of admiration for someone coping with all that and not going insane tbh.

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This. I think she's doing bloody well to be managing part time work tbh. Four kids under 7 and a shameful "father" abroad not paying any maintenance. That must be incredibly hard work. I can't believe the OP is envious of that, or the number of people on this thread whinging about her getting some help.

MyDeftDuck · 27/04/2025 20:50

Jealously is such a distasteful thing

MereNoelle · 27/04/2025 20:50

SugarCoatedPants · 27/04/2025 20:35

YANBU OP. I stand with you. She should work a normal 40 hour week like everyone else does and provide for her own kids.

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As a single parent to 4 kids under 7, with no involvement from their father and no other support? I doubt many are working a 40 hour week in those circumstances.

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 20:46

SugarCoatedPants · 27/04/2025 20:35

YANBU OP. I stand with you. She should work a normal 40 hour week like everyone else does and provide for her own kids.

Show quote history

I don’t know anyone with four small children who works a 40 hour week. Who would advocate for that?

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 27/04/2025 20:43

To be clear, I think fathers who do not support their offspring are complete arseholes and despicable humans. And, if the law was any use, they would be treated accordingly. But, we all know they are not. And that is not a new thing. Should it change? Absolutely and I am an advocate for such change. Any sign of it happening? No. And unless you live in an actual cave, women know that.
Women have bodily autonomy and can literally choose to have the number of children THEY can afford. Is it right, or fair? No. Is it reality? Yes.

Lucytheloose · 27/04/2025 20:42

I couldn't begrudge anyone a trip to Egypt in summer. It will be cheap because the heat will be unbearable.

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 20:40

Pikablue · 27/04/2025 20:15

I feel the same towards my brother to be honest. He's a truly awful person who has made some disgusting life choices yet he has a nice secure flat, is by no means rich but doesn't have to worry too much about money and hasn't worked a day in his life. Realistically though he is at the mercy of the state- they could cut benefits at any time, he can't just up and move, he adds nothing of value to society which must be soul destroying. Before people moan about me suggesting everyone is like this, no of course they aren't, but I am replying to OP with a specific example.

And your example of your brother is someone few of us would have trouble feeling annoyed at, but there must be more to his story that you're not telling us (vulnerability due to drugs?) to enable him to claim UC without engaging in job-seeking activity. In any case, OP's friend's situation isn't at all comparable to your brother's.

thatsalad · 27/04/2025 20:40

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

She is only 28 and already a single mother of 4 because her partner fucked off to another country? She deserves a medal honestly

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 20:39

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2025 20:36

She’ll get free child places for at least two of the kids, package holidays are relatively cheap when you have multiple small children. Gousto etc depending on how you do it can be an economic way of feeding decent food to your kids and is quick and easy. She sounds like she’s really making the most of the money coming in - which is exactly the point of things like the Scottish child payment - to enable those on low incomes to afford a decent standard of living. As the kids grow she’ll be able (and encouraged to) work more and her kids will have a good start in life.

Exactly this . The Scottish payment seems to help a lot if families getting out of the poverty zone into a comfortable standard . A lady living near me gets it for 4 children and in her words it was the difference between being able to pay swimming lessons and saving a bit for Christmas . It’s doing exactly what it’s meant to do, making sure those children in poverty have a fair chance

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 20:36

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

From your description I doubt she gets less money that you do , again have you considered she maybe used her money better ? She has 4 children alone , that in itself is amazing .
Do you work full time ? Do you have a partner , how many kids do you have ?
I don’t even think you are a real friend

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/04/2025 20:36

She’ll get free child places for at least two of the kids, package holidays are relatively cheap when you have multiple small children. Gousto etc depending on how you do it can be an economic way of feeding decent food to your kids and is quick and easy. She sounds like she’s really making the most of the money coming in - which is exactly the point of things like the Scottish child payment - to enable those on low incomes to afford a decent standard of living. As the kids grow she’ll be able (and encouraged to) work more and her kids will have a good start in life.

SugarCoatedPants · 27/04/2025 20:35

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 18:20

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

YANBU OP. I stand with you. She should work a normal 40 hour week like everyone else does and provide for her own kids.

AngelicKaty · 27/04/2025 20:35

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

If you don't think the welfare benefits system should support someone in your friend's situation, who should it support? She had no plans to be a single mother, her "D"H should be paying CM but isn't, she's working 15hrs pw with four DC under six(!) and will return to work FT when all her DC are in school. Benefits are the safety net for someone in just your friend's situation. Would you prefer they all starve?
And maybe your friend is much better at budgeting than you - try asking her for some tips.

Loub1987 · 27/04/2025 20:34

I some posters are ignoring the fact that this woman works 15 hrs a week. The equivalent of 2 days, while taking care of four kids.

She won’t be without pension as she is building some, she will have some career and she is contributing.

Its very sad that some on this site (predominantly for Mums) are looking down on someone who is apparently managing very well in difficult circumstances.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 27/04/2025 20:32

Having had twins myself, plus another DC (with DH), there is no way on earth, I’d consider a single mother with 4 DC to be living in luxury. All I can think is, it must be nonstop hard work, and I couldn’t do it! I found it hard enough with DH helping out!

LoztWorld · 27/04/2025 20:30

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

Would you be happy if she had her exact same life but without the gousto boxes, extracurricular activities and one week-long holiday per year?