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Original poster

Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

513 replies

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 18:20

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:41

XenoBitch · 27/04/2025 23:38

4 kids with the same dad who she was married to.

Would you have the same opinion of her if the father/her husband had died? Because there are single mums in that very situation. Do you judge them too?

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Yes, I certainly do. No one should produce offspring without first taking out more than ample life insurance on both parents. That’s adulting 101.

Can’t afford the monthly payments? Then they can’t afford the kids.

Rolling the dice assuming Mr and Mrs Sucker Taxpayer will pick up the slack is disgusting and disgraceful.

TeaAndTattoos · 27/04/2025 23:40

ArlJudey · 27/04/2025 20:25

Okay I get that being envious won’t help me and I do love my friend. I guess it’s the system that bothers me.

As far as I know she isn’t playing the system, she’s had a messy couple of years (from happily married to where she is now) her ex and father to all the children had a well paying (well by Scottish standards) job, they were renting but saving for a deposit etc. Then when the youngest of her children was 10 months he divorced her and returned to his home country straight away, she’s had no contact with him since. She couldn’t afford the rent for where they were alone etc.

I don’t think the benefits cap impacts her as she makes over the amount needed to be exempt from it and she can claim for 3 of her kids as the twins are a multiple birth.

She is still pretty young (28) so I don’t think she needs to be worried about her pension as she will be 30/31 when her youngest starts school and will return to full time work I’m sure, like I said she is still working and in a decent job earning above minimum wage.

I think it just bothers me that the benefits system supports someone to live a life of what I view as luxury, gousto boxes every week, holidays, kids do tennis, swimming and athletics clubs. I know she doesn’t spend lots on herself (doesn’t dye her hair or get her nails done for example) but it seems like her kids have more than mine do? I couldn’t afford for my kids to do 3 clubs, go to Egypt, I definitely can’t afford £60 a week on gousto etc.

It’s not that I think she’s abusing the system but I just feel the system is wrong.

Wow some friend you are you really begrudge your friend and her kids a little bit of a helping hand after the shitty couple of years they’ve had because it’s just so easy to single-handedly raise 4 kids under 6 and work 15 hours a week don’t you think she would rather be with her ex H instead of doing her absolute best on her own. What would you like her to do go to work full time and pay someone to look after her children because your a bitter Betty. Give your head a good wobble op.

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:38

Dweetfidilove · 27/04/2025 23:03

I pray life never takes me to a place where I begrudge a single parent of 4 and 4 small kids of any good thing they can afford to experience ☹️.

You don’t think she’s an irresponsible person?

Clue: one doesn’t get to be a shiftless parent of four offspring living on the dole because one has made prudent and responsible choices.

I really hope laws change in my lifetime. If nothing else, dock the pensions when people like this reach old age. They’ve already taken more than their share. Let their numerous offspring support them.

XenoBitch · 27/04/2025 23:38

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:33

She pumped out four kids she can’t afford to rear without vast taxpayer support! Apparently choosing shitty unreliable baby daddies. That’s antisocial and reprehensible.

Show quote history

4 kids with the same dad who she was married to.

Would you have the same opinion of her if the father/her husband had died? Because there are single mums in that very situation. Do you judge them too?

XenoBitch · 27/04/2025 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How is she a parasite?
She was married, and her ex-DH left her with a 10 month old and 3 other small children (including twins). She gets no CM from him, and no help from family etc. She works.
The benefit system is quite literally set up for stuff like this.

Why is all the vitriol aimed at her and not the absolute fucking dickswab of an ex?
Fucking MUMsnet my arse.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 23:36

Frozenpeace · 27/04/2025 23:34

15 hours a week ...

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It’s on you if you can’t understand that she does work. 15 hours with 4 kids under 7 is totally reasonable.

Sunnywalker · 27/04/2025 23:34

100% Agree.

We shouldn’t be funding this! And actually this is making everything more expensive for all of us, not just by the money coming from the taxpayer, but it’s devaluing the pound.

Frozenpeace · 27/04/2025 23:34

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 23:33

Did you read the OP? The mum works.

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15 hours a week ...

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/04/2025 23:33

What a fucking horrible thread. Shameful.

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:33

Dramatic · 27/04/2025 23:21

She is working though, how exactly do you think a single parent would manage working full time and paying for childcare for 4 children? I can't see why anyone would have a problem with this, she's not just dossing around at home.

She pumped out four kids she can’t afford to rear without vast taxpayer support! Apparently choosing shitty unreliable baby daddies. That’s antisocial and reprehensible.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 23:33

Frozenpeace · 27/04/2025 23:29

I disagree.
It's rational and logical to feel resentful if it seems like it pays to not work

I don't know how we have ended up at a point as a country when you earn less in work than out of work and I am astonished people think that's ok

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Did you read the OP? The mum works.

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:31

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 23:27

You do realise Egypt is literally much cheaper than a U.K. holiday ? Maybe those people choose to spend their money elsewhere ?

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They don’t need a holiday. Staycation is good enough for plenty of actual workers.

Frozenpeace · 27/04/2025 23:30

1Ivebeenthinking · 27/04/2025 23:18

These threads cause internalised ableism
it’s harmful to wellbeing and I hope it becomes illegal to harm the disabled

Huh? There's no suggestion the mum is disabled.
And plenty of disabled people work and don't claim any benefits. (I work full time, I am a higher rate tax payer, I am also very disabled)

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Frozenpeace · 27/04/2025 23:29

TooBigForMyBoots · 27/04/2025 18:37

Anyone resenting those on benefits needs to take a long hard look at themselves and their lives. Because that shit isn't normal.Hmm

I disagree.
It's rational and logical to feel resentful if it seems like it pays to not work

I don't know how we have ended up at a point as a country when you earn less in work than out of work and I am astonished people think that's ok

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 23:27

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 23:17

Keeping children from poverty does not equate to flying off to Greece at the expense of the taxpayer.
Many working families can't afford such ostentatious holidays.

Show quote history

You do realise Egypt is literally much cheaper than a U.K. holiday ? Maybe those people choose to spend their money elsewhere ?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/04/2025 23:26

1Ivebeenthinking · 27/04/2025 23:18

These threads cause internalised ableism
it’s harmful to wellbeing and I hope it becomes illegal to harm the disabled

Where does it say the mum is disabled?

Dramatic · 27/04/2025 23:21

She is working though, how exactly do you think a single parent would manage working full time and paying for childcare for 4 children? I can't see why anyone would have a problem with this, she's not just dossing around at home.

vincettenoir · 27/04/2025 23:21

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 23:17

Keeping children from poverty does not equate to flying off to Greece at the expense of the taxpayer.
Many working families can't afford such ostentatious holidays.

Show quote history

They are a working family. She does work.

1Ivebeenthinking · 27/04/2025 23:18

These threads cause internalised ableism
it’s harmful to wellbeing and I hope it becomes illegal to harm the disabled

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 23:17

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 23:09

Many children are malnourished because parents make bad choices not because they lack money to be feed ! This woman is doing exactly what the benefit system was created for , supporting her and keeping her children from poverty while they are small ! She doesn’t smoke or drink or do her nails she provides for her 4 children

Show quote history

Keeping children from poverty does not equate to flying off to Greece at the expense of the taxpayer.
Many working families can't afford such ostentatious holidays.

tinyme77 · 27/04/2025 23:12

She's taking 4 children on holiday by herself. Sounds like a nightmare. Imagine the flights.

converseandjeans · 27/04/2025 23:11

@ArlJudey honestly it sounds like really hard work to me. I’m impressed that she works at all. I don’t imagine she has a moment to herself. I think she just sounds super organised & good with her money.

XenoBitch · 27/04/2025 23:10

Odras · 27/04/2025 23:08

She is raising 4 kids on her own it would impossible for her to manage full time work. She doesn’t spend money on herself or have a car (which is tough with kids) and she kits the kids out on Vinted so she can afford a holiday and she is spending money so she can feed them healthy home cooked meals and is making sure they do extracurriculars. She has a degree so she’ll eventually be giving back after she has done, what sounds like a good job of raising her family.

This is literally what benefits are for - to keep you from hitting the bottom when your life goes off plan. She sounds like she manages her money very well. She sounds fantastic.

I agree. She sounds amazing and is making the best of a bad situation.

Crazyworldmum · 27/04/2025 23:09

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 22:35

Taxpayer money should not fund people trips to exotic destinations while so many British children are malnourished.

Show quote history

Many children are malnourished because parents make bad choices not because they lack money to be feed ! This woman is doing exactly what the benefit system was created for , supporting her and keeping her children from poverty while they are small ! She doesn’t smoke or drink or do her nails she provides for her 4 children