Page 10 | Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

ArlJudey · 2025-04-27T17:20:16+00:00

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc. Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc. AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure. I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2025 08:16

Saltedbuttertree · 28/04/2025 08:07

The ops friend has her disposable income because she lives in a council house, her rent will probably be half what actual rent is maybe even less. In fact I know people paying rent that is a quarter what it would be if the same house was on rightmove. Private renter's on benefits cant afford an exotic holiday every year. This isn't even really about the benefits. Also you can't just choose to live in a council house the waiting list is ten years in most places.

Also she has no car the op could probably get rid of her car and save £500 a month or however much with the finance, petrol insurance etc. That is true

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True.
Private rent is an absolute killer, but that's not the friend's fault.
OP may very well be on the housing list as well, but the wait is not the friend's fault.

It's absolutely pointless being so envious of this woman though, as it does not a jot to improve her circumstances.

millymoo1202 · 28/04/2025 08:13

I get it, I know 2 ladies, who work the system re working hours, hairdressers so easy to hide the money. Council house, rent etc paid, dads not on the scene but that’s another story. One of them had countdown to her 3 sunshine hols this year on insta. I try to not get annoyed but it’s hard. All correct as they’ve told me what they get, the system is all wrong

AngelicKaty · 28/04/2025 08:13

Ottersmith · 28/04/2025 03:22

Oh well with any luck she'll get hit by a lorry or something and break her legs, then miss out on any pension because she can't work. Then you can breathe a sigh of relief that her life will be shitter than yours at last.

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Sadly not, OP would just feel resentful that her friend could then claim disability benefits. 🙄

MereNoelle · 28/04/2025 08:11

Keirawr · 28/04/2025 08:07

Not sure you realize the irony in your own comment.

The declining birth rate is partly because people who take responsibility for raising their own kids find they cannot afford to have kids - because, wait for it, they are paying to raise other people’s kids.

How many responsible people would choose to have 4 kids. How many could afford to. Someone it seems that those who pay inadvertently are the ones who cannot afford to have kids. This perpetual gravy train of benefits is biting the hand that feeds it.

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I am also ‘paying to raise other people’s kids’ (I have been a higher rate taxpayer for 18 years now). I absolutely don’t begrudge someone in the OP’s friend’s position from claiming top up benefits while her children are young. The woman works 15 hours a week.

AngelicKaty · 28/04/2025 08:10

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 02:52

I am a woman.

She is negatively impacted by HER foolish choice to have four children with a deadbeat, not by society/the patriarchy/misogyny. It seems to me that good old society is doing pretty well by her if she is raking in enough to work a measly two days a week AND afford overseas holidays.

Great role model for those kids.

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So, if your DH leaves you when you thought you had a happy family life, that's your fault is it? You do realise there are many threads on here from women devastated to discover their DH/DP's aren't the men they thought they were? All these women are "foolish" are they? 🙄
Despite having four DC under the age of six, this woman is still managing to do some paid work, so she clearly does have a work ethic. And OP admits her friend doesn't spend much money on herself or frivolous stuff, but on good food and activities for her DC. It seems to me she's good with managing her money and is a damn good role model for her DC, despite their worthless father, but perish the thought that other mums should give her credit for that when they can just tear her down instead. 🙄

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2025 08:09

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 23:38

You don’t think she’s an irresponsible person?

Clue: one doesn’t get to be a shiftless parent of four offspring living on the dole because one has made prudent and responsible choices.

I really hope laws change in my lifetime. If nothing else, dock the pensions when people like this reach old age. They’ve already taken more than their share. Let their numerous offspring support them.

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I don't know her and neither do you.

Has the OP said she didn't have these children in a stable relationship with a man who absconded? You know around half of relationships fail?

Clue: Not many jobs allow you to earn enough full-time to cover childcare for 4 children. As the OP also says - this is a woman who is qualified in something and is working in her field, so can accelerate her career once the kids require less care. Seems prudent and responsible enough to me - just currently in a less than ideal circumstances.

I hope the law changes to hold MEN and WOMEN more accountable for their offspring, then there will be less need for benefits.

As for the pension thing - smdh...

Saltedbuttertree · 28/04/2025 08:07

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2025 08:00

The OP could make choices akin to her friend's if she thinks she has a better life - the life she wants for herself and her children. Presumably that's in her control?

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The ops friend has her disposable income because she lives in a council house, her rent will probably be half what actual rent is maybe even less. In fact I know people paying rent that is a quarter what it would be if the same house was on rightmove. Private renter's on benefits cant afford an exotic holiday every year. This isn't even really about the benefits. Also you can't just choose to live in a council house the waiting list is ten years in most places.

Also she has no car the op could probably get rid of her car and save £500 a month or however much with the finance, petrol insurance etc. That is true

Keirawr · 28/04/2025 08:07

MereNoelle · 28/04/2025 07:58

It’s a good job some people are having 4 children due to the massively declining birth rate.

Not sure you realize the irony in your own comment.

The declining birth rate is partly because people who take responsibility for raising their own kids find they cannot afford to have kids - because, wait for it, they are paying to raise other people’s kids.

How many responsible people would choose to have 4 kids. How many could afford to. Someone it seems that those who pay inadvertently are the ones who cannot afford to have kids. This perpetual gravy train of benefits is biting the hand that feeds it.

Dontletthebedbugsbite2 · 28/04/2025 08:05

Is she a nice person? Does she care about you as a friend? Could you call her in an emergency? These are all things that should concern you about your friend. Not that she receives state help that she's actually entitled to. She has FOUR kids 6 and under and she does it alone with no help. I think it's great she still works part time & she has a secure home for her children. You are a terrible friend & I hope she never knows how you truly feel about her.

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2025 08:00

1SillySossij · 28/04/2025 00:09

What, like the op's own children who have to go without these luxuries and without seeing their mum much, because she is working her butt off to support luxury holidays for the brood of this feckless woman and her ilk?

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The OP could make choices akin to her friend's if she thinks she has a better life - the life she wants for herself and her children. Presumably that's in her control?

MereNoelle · 28/04/2025 07:58

It’s a good job some people are having 4 children due to the massively declining birth rate.

GoodCharl · 28/04/2025 07:57

neopombear · 27/04/2025 19:28

🤣🤣🤣 do ivf and crack on.

you sound really silly

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It was said as a joke ffs i wasnt serious! Jeez

Saltedbuttertree · 28/04/2025 07:56

Pikablue · 28/04/2025 07:29

Plenty of people consider it a possibility which is why they don't choose to have 4 children and keep their careers going. Lots don't though because they know the state will pick up the tab, can bet people would make more responsible reproductive choices if self responsibility was still a thing.

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So should no one have any children in case their husband leaves? The world would soon run out of people

Saltedbuttertree · 28/04/2025 07:54

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 22:44

No idea to whom, that it's why I was asking.
I do believe there should be some channel for reporting this kind of abuse from the benefits system.
NHS is fucked. Our education system stinks. Our public transport is the laughing stock in Europe.
And yet we have to lap up opulent getaways to Greece to some leeches and their offspring.
Enough is enough.

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She's getting the same amount of benefits anyone in her situation would the difference is

A . She doesn't have a car, that must save her a lot of money. No petrol, no mot no finance etc

B. She lives in a council house her rent is probably half what private renter's pay. People privately renting on benefits are definitely not living this life of luxury

MonsteraDelicious · 28/04/2025 07:49

Keirawr · 27/04/2025 18:48

You’ve come to the wrong place OP, if you’re looking for a bunch of like minded people who believe in paying your own way and not living off the taxpayer all your life.

According to people on here, there is no such thing people abusing the benefits system. You’ll always get blind defence of of it here. It makes you wonder if the French defenders are at it themselves.

I don't claim benefits apart from Child Benefit. However, I think the situation OP is describing is what benefits are for, in this instance helping working families stay afloat and ensure children don't live in poverty.

Winifredtabago · 28/04/2025 07:32

Was @deathnote11 not just giving that advice to the people and OP complaining about people who play the benefit system, rather than saying the friend in question was doing that.

Pikablue · 28/04/2025 07:29

researchers3 · 28/04/2025 02:02

But the mum in this case has been left! Not her choice to be a single mum to 4 kids.

No one thinks it'll happen to them.

It did to me, i work but also claim UC, and thank God I can because I'd be utterly fucked without it.

So sick of benefit bashers like you OP! Do you want kids of single mums to go without to make you feel better?

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Plenty of people consider it a possibility which is why they don't choose to have 4 children and keep their careers going. Lots don't though because they know the state will pick up the tab, can bet people would make more responsible reproductive choices if self responsibility was still a thing.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 28/04/2025 07:29

DeathNote11 · 28/04/2025 07:25

When your children leave college, & the child related benefits stop, you won't regret advancing your career & investing in your own property over the alternative. I worked & did 5 years of uni to enter a profession while mine were at school, & there isn't a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars I did that. My peers who did the opposite are now in 1 bed flats (it's all they can afford or are entitled to now the kids have flown), working entry level jobs & really not having a great life. It's a trade off & a personal choice, but one that should be made with your eyes wide open. Lone mothers need to plan for middle age.

Sounds like the OPs friend is going to do just fine then once her kids leave home!

MereNoelle · 28/04/2025 07:28

DeathNote11 · 28/04/2025 07:25

When your children leave college, & the child related benefits stop, you won't regret advancing your career & investing in your own property over the alternative. I worked & did 5 years of uni to enter a profession while mine were at school, & there isn't a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars I did that. My peers who did the opposite are now in 1 bed flats (it's all they can afford or are entitled to now the kids have flown), working entry level jobs & really not having a great life. It's a trade off & a personal choice, but one that should be made with your eyes wide open. Lone mothers need to plan for middle age.

This woman is still working, in the field she has a degree in. I’m sure she can increase her hours when the children are at school.

FedupofArsenalgame · 28/04/2025 07:28

DeathNote11 · 28/04/2025 07:25

When your children leave college, & the child related benefits stop, you won't regret advancing your career & investing in your own property over the alternative. I worked & did 5 years of uni to enter a profession while mine were at school, & there isn't a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars I did that. My peers who did the opposite are now in 1 bed flats (it's all they can afford or are entitled to now the kids have flown), working entry level jobs & really not having a great life. It's a trade off & a personal choice, but one that should be made with your eyes wide open. Lone mothers need to plan for middle age.

Who says this woman won't be advancing her career once the kids are a bit older? She already has her degree and keeping her hand in the workforce even while the kids are very young. So why are you suggesting that by the time her kids are grown she will still be relying on benefits . ?

DeathNote11 · 28/04/2025 07:25

When your children leave college, & the child related benefits stop, you won't regret advancing your career & investing in your own property over the alternative. I worked & did 5 years of uni to enter a profession while mine were at school, & there isn't a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars I did that. My peers who did the opposite are now in 1 bed flats (it's all they can afford or are entitled to now the kids have flown), working entry level jobs & really not having a great life. It's a trade off & a personal choice, but one that should be made with your eyes wide open. Lone mothers need to plan for middle age.

FedupofArsenalgame · 28/04/2025 07:25

TheHerboriste · 28/04/2025 00:16

A) she picked a predictable arsehole to mate with
B) she didn’t maintain her career or earning power
C) she had way more kids than a solo person can afford
D) she smugly assumed divorce would never happen to her, and had no backup plan
E) she is using taxpayer monies to take holidays that many actual workers can’t afford, instead of saving the funds for the inevitable next crisis
D) she is not being creative, resourceful or diligent, such as teaming with another single mum and working opposite shifts to split childcare, because it’s easier to go on the dole

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WTF? Such a load of sanctimonious drivel. And you have two points both starting with D. Obviously in your verbal diarrhoea you failed to notice.

CuttedPearPie · 28/04/2025 07:22

In this day and age I think it's socially and environmentally irresponsible to have 4 kids anyway

Cornishclio · 28/04/2025 07:21

I don’t think being a single mum of 4 is something I would want to do. Is the issue you are struggling to work full time and have no back up at home and cannot afford any holiday let alone Turkey or Greece? That is understandable but living a life on benefits is not something to aspire to. Maybe once the debt is gone you can start putting money aside to do a holiday.

FedupofArsenalgame · 28/04/2025 07:18

ThisIsItNowOrNever · 27/04/2025 23:17

Keeping children from poverty does not equate to flying off to Greece at the expense of the taxpayer.
Many working families can't afford such ostentatious holidays.

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Why is Greece so ostentatious? I'm lost here. You can get cheap flights and stay in aa apartment and probably costs less than expensive train tickets and accomodation in the UK with guarantee of better weather so u can go stuff like the beach or pool that's not costing a fortune