Why does parental abuse turn a lot (if not all) of us into people pleasers ?

Because your boundaries were invaded before you had a chance to establish healthy ones - resulting in very flaccid boundaries that are all over the place - you didn’t safely learn what is acceptable and feels ok and what doesn’t for you - it just probably all doesn’t.

therefore it’s hard to tell what’s going on when you grow up because you ah these all over the place boundaries

because you don’t want to repeat the emotional trauma pain you will people please to avoid having that pain again

It’s surprisingly simple. You learn to feel responsible for your parent’s mood.

You watch for the things that set off your parents bad moods and this abuse. Then you do everything in your power to avoid those situations happening. It could be keeping your room clean. It might be bringing your dad his drink. It might be not mentioning your shoes are too small.

not upsetting your parent becomes a part of your personality. Then you become an adult and the habit is ingrained.

it took me a very long time to get to this level of clarity. It’s a large part of why abuse makes me so angry. The children never really escape.

But if you ask your siblings, they will probably describe themselves as people pleasers and you as the narcissist.

i only say that because i often wonder whether others would describe someone self diagnosing themselves as a “people pleaser” as a “people pleaser”!

i will also add, abusive parents dont always produce people pleasers.. i have 4 siblings, all abused as children. I am the people pleaser, the others are not but they are all narcissists... so maybe its an individual thing rather than across the board

This is emotional abuse from your parents. It might not be malicious or intentional, but it is abusive to your emotional health.

i personally am a people pleaser because i was groomed from a very young age by my mum to be and provide whatever a male wanted from me.

i know i do it, and i am working on not doing it, but sometimes that sh1t runs deep

beacuse its a learned response. as children we were conditioned to behave and act in a certain way by our parents, pretty much like we learn to read and write.

and once its in there, its in there for good!

What would you class as abuse? I’m a people pleaser & hate it. I feel panic if I sense my parents are angry/upset with me

Because people pleasing in adulthood is a development of parent pleasing in childhood. In childhood you rely on your caregivers for survival, so attachment with them is more essential than your authenticity. Hence the need to please them and hide anything they can’t cope with (your anger, sadness or fear usually). Gabor Maté is good on this - lots of videos on YouTube.

Who are you pleasing?

because generally people pleasers “please” the people that shout loudest but then leave others less demanding not “pleased”?

It is desperately sad how parents can abuse their own children in different ways.

I see it as survival- inbuilt survival instinct to please who we are dependent on, our bodies do that so we survive. So we continue to be housed and fed.

Unlearning that as adults is hard.

Fawning.

I don’t know but I agree it does. I suffer badly from this.

I guess we just want to avoid conflict at any cost