Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:
Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:36

ThDanielDay · 27/04/2025 21:26

"My husband’s holiday is a camping trip which he takes with father and brothers…. He can take this anytime, it’s not going to be an inconvenience for him."

That's pretty dismissive of a trip involving at least 3 other people when her own dilemma arises out of a group of people being able to find a date that suits all of them.

Maybe the brothers and father are single and self employed and as such have flexibility, but they might also have partners who did the reasonable thing and coordinated their holidays prior to booking them so there wasn't a clash. So actually brothers 1 and 2 (at least) can't just drop everything because they can't actually swap their annual leave due to work rotas or their own partners going on milestone birthdays with 9 friend that they organized a year ago like anyone sane would do

Show quote history

I'm assuming she said what she did about his family because she knows his father and the brothers: how they are fixed as regards changing plans etc etc.

I'm sorry I'm not getting drawn into putting the boot into OP becsuse, as I've said a couple of times we don't know enough about her marriage to say so definitely, as so many posters are doing, that her H has right on his side.

SheilaFentiman · 27/04/2025 21:35

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

Fair enough - but I would hide the thread now!

HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 21:35

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 20:19

I thought marriage was supposed to be about spouses being " nice" to each other - although tbh on MN marriages where spouses even like each other seem to be rare.

Yes it was good of him to sacrifice his event last time. But does that mean because he was good to OP on that occasion his good deed for the duration of the marriage is fulfilled and he doesn't have to do anything good for her again? Especially as this time he wouldn't be making a sacrifice.

And we have no idea of how many sacrifices and nice things OP does for her H on a regular basis do we? I bet she doesn't make a song and dance over things she does for her H as he is doing over the holiday situation. You talk as though being vindictive in a marriage is normal.

Edited
Show quote history

He's not being vindictive

He missed something so important it was arranged YEARS in advanced because she had to rush to a friend

He now has plans with his FAMILY, again booked in advance, and he's expected to drop everything again for her friends because they want to book last minute

OneShoeShort · 27/04/2025 21:34

It appears like he feels you are taking the piss asking him this after the previous incident.

I’m guessing part of the problem is that she didn’t ask. She assumed and demanded by committing to the date with her friends knowing he had already booked it then getting upset and treating him as being vindictive when he (reasonably) said no. Most of us are far less likely to be accommodating when someone just assumes we’ll acquiesce to their demands instead of asking first and making it clear we can say no.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 27/04/2025 21:33

Melancholyflower · 27/04/2025 21:04

He'd booked something YEARS in advanced, that's clearly something hugely big and important to him, and you made him cancel because a friend "needed support". A friend with 7 other close friends apparently. And you couldn't work around that rather than make him miss out?
This is what stood out to me, as well.
Unless you're going to come back and say the BF had a bereavement in her immediate family (partner or child, not parent) and you felt you needed to be there for her, you were unreasonable then also.

It's worth wondering about the friend who was, by proxy, supported by OP's husband in all of this.

Shouldn't she be saying, "c'mon guys, don't pile on the pressure, he cancelled his holiday so I could have support for a whole week".

They sound like shitty friends, with 2 or 3 having "problems with" (as opposed to simply being pre-booked) specific dates. If they really wanted the group to get together, they'd be planning on advance and finding a date the whole group could do, even if it were for a long weekend instead of a week away.

Mind you, my sister had to put her foot down with one of my bridesmaids who "had a problem with" several of the weekends for my hen - she was umming and ahhing over minor things that were only pencilled in as maybes Vs my sister being potentially 40w pregnant!

So I'm a bit sceptical that all these dates are super important pre-booked things...

MrsPerfect12 · 27/04/2025 21:32

The dates he is away should never have been on the table. Calendar rule. YABVVU

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 27/04/2025 21:32

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

Yeah, that's not gonna work. If you don't want to read the comments, I'd recommend just ignoring the thread from here on in.

ThePiglet · 27/04/2025 21:29

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:20

I am not going to say because of all the previous posters have made it clear that nothing would ever justify my request.
I feel it was the other decision at the time.

Show quote history

It would help, I think, to understand where your husband is coming from. It appears like he feels you are taking the piss asking him this after the previous incident. It's difficult, without knowing more about the earlier incident, to see if he's justified or not.

Fwiw, I understand where you're coming from - his trip is smaller and more flexible on several levels - but I also get his point of view. Because unless the first time he'd had to rearrange/lose out had been for a stonkingly good reason, I wouldn't be inclined to flex again either.

Pipsquiggle · 27/04/2025 21:28

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:20

I am not going to say because of all the previous posters have made it clear that nothing would ever justify my request.
I feel it was the other decision at the time.

Show quote history

@ThisPearlCritic
I think this is the crux of this whole thread though.
Yes you might have thought it was the only solution at the time ie your DH having to miss his trip, do you feel the same now?

If the same scenario happened now would you do the same?

Bruisername · 27/04/2025 21:28

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

That’s not going to work! People will be piling in all night!!

I hope you’ve made up with your DH and come to an agreement to stop the squabbling

NameChangeAgainShhh · 27/04/2025 21:28

Yup, your husband will definitely leave you at some point. You prioritise your friends over him and can’t see you are being massively unreasonable. See you in a few years on the relationship thread.

IButtleSir · 27/04/2025 21:28

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

This really isn't how Mumsnet works...

ThDanielDay · 27/04/2025 21:26

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:22

I am absolutely not controlling. This was a special situation, but in hindsight, I would have done it differently.

Show quote history

But with foresight you'll also do exactly the same.

Fair play.

I've bitten

Original poster
ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:26

No more comments please, I accept i have been unreasonable.

OP posts:
ThDanielDay · 27/04/2025 21:26

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:16

I know everyone's interpretation is different but I didn't really find her dismissive. She sounds to me like someone caught between a rock and a hard place and rather at the end of her tether with the logistics of planning holidays with numbers of people involved.

I will also say that I know on MN OP's can get a hard time but some of the threads I've looked at this weekend, have been really hard on the OP.

Show quote history

"My husband’s holiday is a camping trip which he takes with father and brothers…. He can take this anytime, it’s not going to be an inconvenience for him."

That's pretty dismissive of a trip involving at least 3 other people when her own dilemma arises out of a group of people being able to find a date that suits all of them.

Maybe the brothers and father are single and self employed and as such have flexibility, but they might also have partners who did the reasonable thing and coordinated their holidays prior to booking them so there wasn't a clash. So actually brothers 1 and 2 (at least) can't just drop everything because they can't actually swap their annual leave due to work rotas or their own partners going on milestone birthdays with 9 friend that they organized a year ago like anyone sane would do

treesandsun · 27/04/2025 21:22

Maybe he would have been willing to change his camping trip if he had not had to cancel his trip with his friends planned years in advance to accommodate your friend. You're not willing to do something similar even though yours wasn't booked years in advance. It's not nice not to be able to go somewhere you were really looking forward to and all your friends are going to is it - now you know how he felt. Your turn to stay and look after the kids.

Original poster
ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:22

Needspaceforlego · 27/04/2025 21:16

@ThisPearlCritic
Is this a reverse?
If it's not your coming across as quite controlling.

I get finding a date that suits 9 people won't be easy but you get need to get it in the calendar sooner, and if that means you push it back to next summer that's what you do.

I am absolutely not controlling. This was a special situation, but in hindsight, I would have done it differently.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/04/2025 21:21

I think you're having a little joke with us, OP... seeing how long, how far and how frothy we can be - and how long you will hold off posting.

Good one, but it's done for me now. Real or imagined, you are not going to get anywhere behaving as you've said you do.

Original poster
ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 21:20

TwinklyNight · 27/04/2025 21:18

What was the past family emergency that your friend needed you for, that meant your dh cancelling his event/holiday?

I am not going to say because of all the previous posters have made it clear that nothing would ever justify my request.
I feel it was the other decision at the time.

OP posts:
leftorrightnow · 27/04/2025 21:19

also - why bother with these things? Going away w 8 friends sounds like a complex nightmare. Sometimes I wonder why people do this stuff to themselves. The ridiculousness of first world problems

TwinklyNight · 27/04/2025 21:18

What was the past family emergency that your friend needed you for, that meant your dh cancelling his event/holiday?

SheilaFentiman · 27/04/2025 21:18

@ThisPearlCritic how did you “ask” him?

”Dave, I’m going away week of the 12th.”
”That’s when I’m camping with Tom, Dick and Harry.”
”Ah, you’ll have to move it”
”No chance!!”

or
“Dave, I’m so sorry, but the only week everyone else can do is the 12th, is there any way you could see if Tom, Dick and Harry could move the trip? If not, then I won’t go on my trip, of course, cos you booked first. But if they can move it. I’ll buy you all a load of beer and snacks for the trip to say thank you.”

leftorrightnow · 27/04/2025 21:16

He had plans first so that date doesn’t work for you. Tell yours friends that date doesn’t work for you.

Needspaceforlego · 27/04/2025 21:16

@ThisPearlCritic
Is this a reverse?
If it's not your coming across as quite controlling.

I get finding a date that suits 9 people won't be easy but you get need to get it in the calendar sooner, and if that means you push it back to next summer that's what you do.

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 21:16

RedSkyDelights · 27/04/2025 21:06

It's only OP's take on it that he's being vindicative.
OP has blithely stated that he can just move his holiday, but it involves at least 3 other people so it's not as "dead easy" as she seems to think it is. We book family events like this months in advance simply because people do lead busy lives and have other things on and it can be hard to find suitable dates for everyone.
But OP fails to even acknowledge that DH moving his holiday is any sort of deal at all. If she was as dimissive when she spoke to him as she's been on this thread, I wouldn't have been inclined to inconvenience several people to help out, either.

Show quote history

I know everyone's interpretation is different but I didn't really find her dismissive. She sounds to me like someone caught between a rock and a hard place and rather at the end of her tether with the logistics of planning holidays with numbers of people involved.

I will also say that I know on MN OP's can get a hard time but some of the threads I've looked at this weekend, have been really hard on the OP.