Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

Am wondering whether 'drama' is code for 'mugshot regularly features on Crimewatch'.

I’m going to go against the grain. For me this has the whiff of an eastenders style plot. Strange woman comes up to someone in a bar and says that man raped her five years ago but it’s ok she’s over it now, as are all the other women he raped and who never said a word. Oh and btw he’s shagged his sister as well.

I mean come on. The shagging his sister part turns the whole thing into something that isn’t remotely plausible.

I would bet money that she was drunk. And no. Don’t believe that a woman should automatically be believed. yes in many cases absolutely. But in a case like this? No I wouldn’t believe her.

If the OP sees red flags in the relationship then she may have other reasons to rethink, but I wouldn’t do so off the back of some random stranger in a pub claiming he’s shagging his sister.

I would say nothing to your partner yet.
I would check under Clare’s Law.
This woman is the partner of a friend of your partner.
Has she told her own partner ?
Does he know ?
Does your circle of friends know and believe it to be true ?
What kind of drama in his family?
Is he in contact with them ?
How is his relationship with his sister ?

It’s a lot to process @BM1987.

How the fuck would someone know he'd had sex with his sister. I doubt thats the sort of info him and his sister would share with people if they had. That ludicrous comment would make me have a bit of doubt about this whole thing to be honest.

I would message the woman who told you and ask if she wouldn't mind meeting up with you and telling you a bit more, she may not want to though but it would be useful for you to know.

Claire's law is a good shout but as pp have said if it hasn't been reported then nothing will show up.

I personally wouldn't confront him, it won't give you any clarity because he will deny all knowledge.

How old is his sister compared to him?

We have to stand with and believe women. It's all we've got in a patriarchal society which doesn't deal with male violence against women.

It's not as simple as that. There are also women who make false accusations. Women who have notes on their social workers systems that they must be visited in pairs due to their propensity to make false accusations. If there is no evidence then a case can't go to court , its not a case of the police being useless or it being a patriarchal society. If a woman accuses your son of rape I'd like to see if you'll be standing by this woman with such ease. I'm not doubting what this woman said btw, OP has reason to believe her, all I'm saying is that it's a bit more complicated than virtue signalling and saying that women must stand with other women in a patriarchal society.

If you believe her then that's all you need to know. Your partner is a rapist. It must be an awful shock but I don't see how you could stay with him knowing that.

I don’t think there’s any point asking your DP yet. Whether it’s true or not, you’ll get a story about her being crazy & making it up for revenge.

You could say you bumped into friend’s partner last night, she seemed nice & invited you to meet her for a coffee next week. See what he says…

I think as others have said, his behaviour towards you must give you some idea about whether or not it could be true.

My friend found out a new partner had been accused of rape by his ex partner. She's leaving him. No children though.

I'm curious at what his family being into drama has to do with this woman telling you your partner is a rapist?

I can't make the connection?

99% of rapists don't get convicted. It is FAR FAR more likely it happened than a vexatious accusation, which are actually incredibly small compared to the instances of actual rape.

Has he displayed any signs of being controlling/lack of respect for women you've overlooked? In my experience a man can still be on best behaviour 5 years in.

For my friends the cracks started to show after.

If you believe her, I don't really see how your relationship can survive. Could you really live with someone who you believe to be a rapist.

I'm so sorry, OP. This must be very difficult for you, but I don't think you can just brush it under the carpet.

1. Clare's law request, but if no-one has reported nothing will show up.
2. Look back over his behaviour towards you. Has he pressurised you when you were unwilling? If not why do you believe her?
3. Ask her who the other women were and if they will talk to you. If she doesnt want to give names tell her to ask them to contact you.
4. Could you speak to the sister?

You have children to consider. I wouldnt immediately break up my family on the basis of one person's complaint unless I had some reason to believe her. In court I'd tend to believe a woman but I also know some women make things up for a variety of poor reasons. If it's multiple women or his sister I'd be out of there immediately.

I'd have to ask him about it once I'd got as much information as I could. If it isnt true he might have an idea why someone would tell you this. If he lies how he lies may tell you something.

If you believe her it’s irrelevant if he’s a ‘changed man’ - he’s a violent sexual offender who has got away with his crimes.
Would you stay with a murderer if he seemed like he’d changed?

I would do the opposite of this.

I wouldn’t approach him. I would gather all information, speak to the victim again if she’s willing. Do a Clare’s law. Do some digging.

Being ok with you and your children for 5 years after allegedly raping multiple women and sleeping with his sister isn’t an indicator of a good man/husband/father.

What’s the drama in the family? Are they all at it?

Don't tell him anything.
Go to the police and enquire.
He sounds awful and dangerous.
Have you family and friends to lean on?

I do agree that believing the woman should certainly be the default position but Op does not seem to have any doubts at all which does make me wonder why that is.

How awful.
The accuser wants to really hurt him doesn't she!
There's a reason for that.
You have a lot of questions to ask.
Has he ever hurt you? Or tried to co erce you
Has he ever made you feel unsafe or uneasy?
What is his relationship with his sister like?
What is his general attitude to women ?
Does he hold misogynistic views?

Bear in mind that if he is unknown to Claire's law it only means that he has never been reported/cautioned, it doesn't mean that it never happened.
So many women can't find the strength to report someone. I didn't report the man who raped me (at knifepoint) and it is something that I feel guilty about as he could do it again.

The fact she immediately believed all of the allegations of rape including of his own sister tells me there were more red flags waving than at the Chinese state circus.

Notice she shacked up and had kids with him very early on in the relationship. I feel OP overlooked a lot of terrible things in order to have a family set up with this man. This is why she belies the allegations and why even now she’s doubting whether she should leave him because he ‘can change’.

A changed man! why didn’t he change after the 1st time or the 2nd time, even the 3rd time?

Do you have daughters?

Changed from WHAT?

Potentially raping multiple women and maybe having sex with his sister?

Probably not a changed man now, no.

I think the default position now should be to believe a woman who has no reason to lie. It shouldn't make a difference if the man is an angel who's never given the OP a moment of doubt really.

No a man accused of raping 4 women doesn’t change.

& even if he did there are literally billions of men in the world. You can find one that isn’t a serial rapist to share your life with.

Dont alert him. Dig a bit. The thing with his sister is important as i think it will make a huge difference to whether he could have access to the children.

I dont think it matters whether he's a changed man or not, because you have been kept in the dark for years. He can't just erase the past

Have their been any red flags with this sort of conduct with your experience with him?