Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

Oh fuck that nonsense.

Try reading.

Oh OP I am so sorry
Are you afraid of him in general?
Please seek advice from Rape Crisis and Womens aid

Nope

From this thread I have learnt that some women are very judgemental of other women and have no understanding of the effects of long term trauma or immediate trauma.

Unexpected abuse within an otherwise normal relationship can be very confusing, especially if you have an experience of trauma or family dysfunction.

Life can be hard and complex. When a woman has got to the stage of being able to talk about her experiences, accusing comments along the lines of ‘but when didn’t you react like this or that’ are hardly helpful.

So sorry for you op .He is a rapist regardless of if the woman is telling the truth or not. That will only clear up if he is a serial rapist or not.

That realisation may take time to land but things will unfortunately never be the same again.

Only you can now make the decisions needed to protect yourself and your family from this awful man.

Look after yourself x

20 yrs ago he pushed her head down for oral sex?

It sounds like he has effectively been able to be a rapist under a cloak of decency (partner, children, family man, yada yada)

it's awful and it has now been brutally presented to you in broad daylight, by this woman saying the words "he's a rapist".

your stark choices are

stay with the rapist

tell him he's been busted, you and another woman know he's a rapist and it's time for you to break up and work out the care arrangements for your children,

the additional decision is whether you go to the police and report him. This depends on the degree of motivation to go through the gruelling process when there could be no benefit other than protecting other women from his rapist tendencies,

The guy raped you, he has raped other women. What more do you need to know?

I'm sorry.
You must be horrified.

You must admit that it was an outrageous question to ask about a rapist?

He raped you when you were pregnant with your first child and you stayed with him and went on to have a second child with him. Surely that’s even more confusing than the fact that he raped her and she has stayed friends with him? From your own experience you must understand it is possible to minimise what happened after being sexually assaulted, to convince yourself it wasn’t that bad or that it was your fault or that he didn’t mean it and to then push it out of your mind for a long time and try to forget about it. It sounds like that’s what you did and you haven’t thought about it until she’s brought it up, I expect that’s what she’s done and maybe she’s only thinking of this now because another friend said he did it to her too.

Hes done this to four women, including you. I don’t believe rapists can change and certainly not serial rapists. If he thought what he did was wrong he wouldn’t have done it more than once, He’s probably minimised and justified his own behaviour and doesn’t even think he’s done anything wrong so it will just be a matter of time before he rapes again.

I’m sorry this happened to you, I hope you find the strength to leave him and that yourself and the other woman find the strength between you to report him so that he hopefully doesn’t get an opportunity to do this to any other women in the future.

The thing is, rape isn't an annoying domestic habit you can just put your foot down about and carry on as before, as if it were leaving the toilet seat up, or drinking milk straight from the bottle.

Rape is a fundamental violation and a criminal offense.

That he hasn't raped you since, including in later pregnancies, makes me slightly more reassured about your immediate safety, however there are still no ongoing guarantees. You are at risk.

I suspect other boundaries in your relationship are very skewed and you just don't realise.

Also - he may be getting his rapey kicks outside the home.

Is he really a suitable father for any children, whether boys or girls?

Definitely do a Clare's Law - but of course this only shows things that have been reported to the police and lots of times things like this do go unreported. If she says she isn't the only one then perhaps others have logged it.

I heard something about my ex, what I got told didn't come up but I was shocked what did.. so if he is that type of person they might have already have other stuff on him even of a similar nature.

I am very concerned about the safety of the children living in that household.

I'd want to understand

How come the friend's partner didn't say anything for the 5 years of your relationship and after you'd had children together, Talk about shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

and

If the friend's partner knew, what about the friend, what did they know as your friend? They've not covered themselves in glory withholding that sort of information from you. They could have warned you much sooner and prevented you from having made a commitment to have children by a rapist.

You could go to the Police yourself, & ask the woman who told you this to do the same. That way it won’t just be your or her word against his. This often happens, CPS wont take a case to court unless there’s a 60% chance of conviction. Also people for whatever reason don’t report these things, although the person who raped them has more than likely done it before. The longer time goes on the angrier a person can get, knowing that the rapist’s got away with it. Ring Women’s Aid, they’ll support you every step of the way. Good Luck OP!

You believe her.

So you can’t stay with him whatever.

I would question what has happened to you in the past that you have stayed with a man who raped you And then went on to have another child with him

Well then I think you have a good reason to believe this woman, don't you?

I'm so sorry.

So 'had sex with his sister' could mean 'raped his sister' - which would explain his family being 'very full of drama'.

When he raped you, was it your first or subsequent pregnancy? It's a huge thing to bury and continue as before. No wonder this revelation has stopped you in your tracks.

I think you know what the truth is. Can you talk to someone in real life, or contact one of the women's support services?

Dear Lord? Why on earth do you need Clare's Law. You know for a fact that he is a rapist. He raped you! While you were pregnant!

It sounds like it is not too late for you to contact the police about your own rape.

Of course the other woman is also telling the truth.

If not for your own benefit, for your children, you should leave.

And please, don't have any more children with a serial rapist. That is what he is.