Heard a rumour about long term partner [Content warning added by MNHQ: concerns rape]

If you believe her, then why the hell would you want to stay with him? She's not alleging a grope. She's talking about rape.

No as I said I crossed posted as I said in next post I made.

I was distracted by one of my kids needing me and had not realise the thread had moved on a much as it did - which I said.

I said given her posts she should seek RL support from her Mother and plan to leave.

@BM1987 why are you questioning the motives and behaviour of these women - the why are they still friends etc - it’s not that simple - you stayed with your rapist. You got back into a relationship with him. You played down his own rape of you. You had more children with him. You shovelled it all deep under the carpet. And yet you are confused that other women may be questioning themselves and haven’t brought it up before today.

I’ve told my partner before that I’ve had to had sex with an ex in an old relationship against my will at the time. I avoided the word rape as it felt too real. My partner just didn’t seem to grasp what I meant. What had happened. Maybe your friends have also played it down to their partners.

So sorry OP. This is so hard for you. No advice further to what’s already been said but sending you strength.

You have your answer right there. He thinks he’s entitled to rape a woman.

Go ahead with Clare’s Law disclosure and maybe speak to Women’sAid or Rape Crisis. You are a rape victim too and need help with an exit plan that’ll keep you and you dc safe. Look after yourself.

They must have been a very strange group of friends for this to apparently have been almost common knowledge yet not to have fragmented their circle. How can the woman's partner be friends with your partner, knowing this? Why is she staying with such a man? And yes, I'd want to know more about the circumstances of the assault. Where were they when this happened? Were they (the woman and your partner) in some type of relationship at the time and her current partner is somehow dismissing the assault as a misunderstanding, or did your partner just force himself on her out of the blue?

I'd want to know more, but ultimately none of these details matter much if you believe her and feel your own experiences with him back it up. I don't think rapists are likely to change much. I'd feel disgusted by the knowledge of what he was capable of doing, and I'd worry about my future safety with him. I'd also be worried about his possible negative influence on my children, but unfortunately, unless you can prove he's dangerous, he'll still be in their lives if he wants to be.

I agree

my ex’s new gf didn’t believe me until he beat the shit out of her. If this woman is lying she is very sick in the head. If you ask him, he will spin the fact she’s a jilted ex or crazy or something. Your best shot is Clare’s law, if nothing comes up then that just means he’s not been reported. Honestly, if you didn’t have kids I’d just say cut your losses, but the fact you have kids means you’re a bit stuck. I think you should talk to someone you know and trust in real life, maybe one of your close friends who knows him as well but is YOUR friend. Sometimes our friends see things we miss and don’t want to tell us.

Don’t you think looking in that your behaviour doesn’t add up too ?
When in reality she is in the same situation as you .
Her dp is a pig too . He has normalised it this is why she hasn’t done anything about it .
Your gut tells you both it’s wrong but the behaviour from others makes you question reality .

Please speak to Rape Crisis, OP. They will understand what you're going through and will give good advice and support. And start making your escape plan, as recommended upthread.

I'm also in favour of you and the other woman reporting to the police. If nothing else, it will make it easier for his next victim (and I'm sure there'll be one, if not more than one) to see his true colours before they become enmeshed with him.

Please don't let your dear little boys grow up with this vile abuser as a role model.

WHHOAAAHHH talk about not having RTFT

im going to have my comment removed

They are just going to get away with it , if no one reports it.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand why you believe what you're being told. You know he's a rapist because he raped you. Please start to make plans to leave him. Don't discuss the allegations with him. What he's done to you is more than enough to end the relationship. I'd be tempted to go to the police tbh

@BM1987 what this lady said to you is background noise. What happened before is irrelevant rn. He raped you. It really doesn’t matter what she told you, does it? You need to focus on rescuing 3 people: you and your 2 precious children. You really can’t have them in this atmosphere any longer. There are 3 things to do - report it; get him out; get therapy. You are worth so much more than this and you need to believe it. We believe you.

Do you rent or do you own? Can you afford to live there without him (don’t forget you will get cm and possibly some uc). Are your boys school age?

Believe in yourself. You are strong and you can do this, if not for you then for your boys.

I’ve just read the post by @GraduationDay Day above which covers the practicalities. Be brave.

He has never mentioned anything to me about him like this. But she said he is aware of what he did to her. Yet DP and her partner are close friends from childhood
Sorry, I missed this part of your post.
Her partner is a dick.

Can you stay with your mum? He deserves to face the consequences of his actions.

You know the answer here. You believe the woman and worse still he did it to you .

I know you may have tried to brush it under the carpet and I don’t blame you - you were pregnant with his child and were subjected to such a traumatic thing . I doubt you have processed it.

But you know what you have to do. You need to get out. If someone is capable of rape - and even worse , to the mother of their child whilst she is carrying his baby - then no they do not change. He raped more than one woman years ago and then did it to you , so he didn’t change .

Please get out of this relationship. You are not safe and neither will your child be . He is a monster . Please get some help and support.

Your number one consideration now is - how do you keep yourself and your children safe from him going forward. He must not be given any reason to suspect that the woman or anyone else spoke to you about these allegations. Be the best actress you can be around him until you are ready to leave. Save money, get support IRL, find housing, keep your business working so you have income, hide your savings from him. Start taking small valuable and important sentimental items secretly out of the house and store them with your mum. Consider pets. When you are ready give yourself a time buffer so he won’t suspect you’ve left for a few days at least if possible. That could be a planned holiday, caring for your mum or another relative, kids sports tournament out of town etc etc. Make sure you do not leave the kids or pets with him alone if you think he is onto you. Make sure that where you move to has security somehow. Inform police of your plan and tell them you have reason to be afraid of him. After you have left, you should report your rape to the police. He probably won’t be prosecuted because there is likely not enough evidence but if you report you will have a better chance of protecting your boys in custody proceedings. I’m sorry if this frightens you but you need to be fully prepared that this man could react very badly if you confront him. Rapists do not like the word no.

But you are self aware.

I wondered why you immediate believed her.

Im sorry you went through this and hope you can get yourself out and to safety soon.

When I was pregnant he forced hinself on me. I said no. He carried on. I told him this was not right he raped me

Pretty much says it all.

I would want to speak to your dhs friends partner again.

Tell her it is not that your don't believe her, it has come as a huge shock and you are in denial, if she is okay can you meet up and talk about it to help you process it.

The fact she has previously told your dhs friend doesn't bode well. But it doesn't put his friend in a good light either if he continues to be friends with a serial rapist.

The sex with his sister part sounds more unlikely, but there are usually reasons rumour like that start and it is because of his other behaviour.

Sorry you are going through this.

OP, you say later in this thread that this man also raped you, but didn't mention it in the original post. There's something odd about that. Also, you believe this woman when she said he attacked her, but not what she said about him and his sister.
If your partner raped you and you've now heard that he raped someone else, then you should talk it over properly with someone qualified on a sexual abuse helpline. They can help you find and support and decide whether to go to the police. Speculating with strangers on Mumsnet is unlikely to help you. I hope you find what you need.

WTF?

Yes I agree. I found it hard even hearing the OP say "why did she stay friends with him when he raped her?" When he also raped OP and get she stayed married and went on to have another child with him.

It's sometimes very hard to come to terms with something like rape - you minimise it, and dismiss it and continue whatever relationship you previously had with them because it's easier... That doesn't mean you weren't raped