To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

158 replies

ReadTheBlurb · 27/04/2025 09:17

My mum, now in her 50s, has been a heavy smoker as long as I can remember. I was embarrassed by it as a teenager because my school uniform always smelled smoky, and people would make comments at school (none of my friends parents smoked then, and actually my DM is the only person I know who smokes to this day). I've never been a smoker myself and I can't stand the smell of stale smoke.

DM knows I dislike it and makes a point of smoking outside when I visit her (she lives alone). But it's really obvious that she smokes indoors the rest of the time. The smell of smoke hits as soon as you walk in the door. Every room smells of it, even those she doesn't use and definitely doesn't smoke in, such as the guest bedroom I sleep in. When she buys gifts, I have to wash them before use because they smell. When I visit her, I have to shower soon as I get home and wash everything I've taken into her house, the smell is so strong (DH avoids visiting her now because he hates it too, and won't come near me until I've showered after a visit). She herself smells very unpleasant, despite trying to mask with gum and perfume.

I'm about to have my first child, her first grandchild, as I'm an only child myself. She's very excited and I know she's picturing the kind of relationship she had with her gran and I had with mine - sleepovers at hers and quality time together just the two of them. And selfishly, I hope for the same thing, so that DH and I can catch the odd break and enjoy time together! But, I really hate the idea of my child going into a smoky environment, both for health reasons and the practical/aesthetic issue of everything being smelly and needing washing after every visit.

DM clearly doesn't realise that it smells and is "noseblind" to it; if she did, she wouldn't bother to go outside to smoke in my presence, and she obviously thinks she's being courteous to me by doing so. I'm sure she would do the same when her grandchild visits. But the problem isn't the fresh smoke, it's the embedded smoke. Would it be unreasonable for me to tell her how bad she and her house smells, and to request that she puts a stop to indoor smoking altogether, as a condition to have her GC in her house? (And if any MNetters agree this is fine, advice on how to handle it sensitively would be appreciated!).

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

OP posts:

PopThatBench · 27/04/2025 09:23

It would be unreasonable to ask someone not to smoke in their own home when you don’t live in it.
But I wouldn’t want my baby in a smokey home either.
Gently broach the subject of “you’ll have to sleep at our house to have sleepovers with your grandchild Mum…” while you and your other half are out/at a hotel relaxing etc.

HuffleMyPuffle · 27/04/2025 09:23

It's a tricky split. You aren't being unreasonable not to want your child around that, my grandma spoken like a chimney. We didn't visit much but we could always tell the presents from them by the smell. It's not great

But you also can't dictate what someone does in their own home. And she's always going to smell of smoke even if she smokes outside.

BonfireToffee · 27/04/2025 09:23

Anonym00se · 27/04/2025 09:22

My DF was the same. I had to tell him that we wouldn’t be visiting him while his house stank of smoke. Baby comes first. He wasn’t happy and wouldn’t put himself out to visit us. I’d go round to him a couple of times a year in the summer and sit out in the garden just to make an effort. Tbh it spelt the end of our relationship. He died 12 years ago but I still stand by my decision even though it makes me sad.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot, including children, that will come between smokers and their cigs.

Anonym00se · 27/04/2025 09:22

TheyreThreeTheyreSixTheyreNineandTen · 27/04/2025 09:21

It’s vile, I agree. Just don’t take your child there, but you absolutely can’t tell her to not smoke in her own home.
Both DM and (now deceased) PIL smoked, we hardly visited PIL because of it, DM did smoke outside when they were little but does now smoke indoors, and it stinks!

BonfireToffee · 27/04/2025 09:21

My mother is the same, OP, although we’re not in touch anymore so it’s taken the decision you’re facing out of my hands.

I dont think you’re unreasonable to ask but I don’t think it’ll achieve what you’re hoping for — your mum will still stink of smoke, particularly her hands, mouth and clothes — and that means baby will be in close contact, and will also inhale/smell of smoke.

Unfortunately, I think it’s a case of either she quits, she doesn’t hold baby, or you accept the passive smoking.

I don’t envy you having to tackle this, but YANBU x

thehorsesareallidiots · 27/04/2025 09:20

I mean YANBU to not want your baby going into that environment. I wouldn't go there either. But it's not really reasonable to ask someone not to smoke in their own home, and in the vanishingly unlikely circumstance that she actually complied, there would still be decades of smoke embedded in every room of her house. The place will have to be totally gutted to get rid of that.

Your baby won't be able to go to DGM's house, is the reality. It would be nice if grandma sleepovers were an option, but they aren't, so you'll have to do without.

faerietales · 27/04/2025 09:19

You can't tell her what to do in her own house.

Just don't go there with your child.

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