To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

Yes much better

Keep it all about you and what you need.

’I’m sorry I can’t have baby coming here at all as the house is so full of smoke. You can come to mine instead.’ Repeat. Ignore any complaining or arguing about it. If she says she’s upset about it, mirror it back to her - ‘yes mum, it upsets me too that your house isn’t a healthy environment for any of us.’

What she chooses to do from there is her responsibility and her business. Don’t give her any conditions or tell her what she needs to do, let her handle that. If she chooses to stop smoking and redecorate (replaster by the sounds of it!) - great.

Sometimes you only initiate change in others by focusing on yourself and staying firm to what you need. Then they reorganise themselves around you if they care enough.

Get some evidence behind you to share. Your child, especially a newborn is at a real risk to her smoking. After that, the choice is really hers. I don't think you can tell her what to do in her own home, but you can let her know why you can't go with your baby.

Just don't take your child there, there's second hand smoke and lingering foulness.

Tell her if she wants to see baby,she can't have smoked for X hours and she must wash and change clothes.

It’s funny, though, how all these perfectly well-informed smokers stay quiet about the issue and do nothing to solve it.

Its always left others to raise it and, frequently, they kick off when it’s pointed out that 1) they stink and 2) they’re putting people like their grandkids at risk.

Smokers’ houses do stink. If they have been doing it for years it’s very hard to get the smell out even if the house is sold or they stop.
you have to pretty much remove all furniture and clothing, wash anything fabric and deep clean or repaint walls.

realistically she isn’t going to do that.

this isn’t necessarily a conversation that you need to have all at once.

before the baby is born start dropping into conversation things about smoking. Say how happy you are that she goes outside to smoke as you don’t like being exposed to it. Make up a friend whose relatives smoke and say oh my god she exposes her baby to smoke I could never do that.

basically start dripping into her ear how much you hate smoking. Do this over a period of time.

when the baby is born, start talking about how protective you feel about him/her and how much you want to give them a healthy start.

your mum will start to read the mood music, and get the hint. Then you can have the conversation later on about how you don’t want the baby exposed to smoke at all, and you have laid the groundwork for it.

Yes, this. OP, do you think you could have a conversation with her explaining about the smell of her house and anything that’s been in it? She probably honestly doesn’t realise.

Having a grandchild could be the impetus for her to make big changes in her life.

Oh gosh OP, I feel for you. My mum died of emphysema at the age of 56, many years before I had kids. This is exactly the situation I would have faced had she lived to see her grandchildren. Personally, I think I would have addressed this with her, as kindly as I could. Something like 'I love you, I want you to have a close relationship with your grandchildren, but passive smoking includin g longering smoke puts them in danger and I can't do that. If you don't smoke on your house then I can recomsoder, otherwose visots need to be at my house or outside. Please understand.'

I'm not going to lie though, I know my mum would have been angry and defensive. Addiction twists people's ability to think objectively. I really hope.you can work your way through this with your mum.

Ok. This was 100% my life. Both my dm and df smoked heavily when we were kids but so did many of my friends parents. Df stopped but mam never did.
As a teacher I realise how bad we must have smelled back then. Wearing old clothes to go and visit shower and clothes in the washer as soon as home.

We just had to be truthful/factual with her, even if she didn't smoke when we were there, it was as you say 'the embedded smoke which is very harmful especially to young babies. We told dm that we couldn't visit if she chose to continue smoking in her house but she was very welcome to come to our home.
She did a lot of back biting, we grew ip with it, never harmed us etc (and we all were really healthy Kids!? ) . But we said 'we now know better, so need to do better'. We couldn't insist she gave up but she then had the consequence of NEVER having her grandkids in her home.

She died a couple of yrs back. We emptied her house and deep cleaned it, put it on sale, but nearly a yr later you could still smell smoke evrytime you went in.

You just have to put down your rules and she has to live with consequences of her actions.

Good luck!

Honestly, this is just so incredibly patronising.

OP's mum is 55 years old. She knows smoking is bad for her - she doesn't live under a rock.

Not due to her concerns. Due to the known risks eye etc

Your mum might not have managed to quit, but she lives in the world - she knows smoking is bad for her and she knows it's bad for babies. Literally nobody is suggesting you don't tell her it's because of the cigarettes, and it's pretty telling that that's what you assumed. Everyone is expecting you to tell her it's because of the smoking.

You're a mother now. The time for putting other people's feelings before your baby's wellbeing is dead and gone.

I think it's worth having the conversation. (You might as well, as it's inevitably going to come up.) Dont expect it to go well, accept there will be some upset, be nice but firm.

Grab some leaflets etc about dangers etc. "Mum, with the baby coming, do you think you could make some changes..." Offer to help with cleaning and redecorating if you can?

Don't tell her she 'has' to. Just explain consequences - if you xxx then we yyy.

You will have to be blunt with her. She knows what she is doing. She has chosen to smoke and I assume she is smart enough to know that smoke and cigarettes kill. Your mother will have to accept your boundaries - you will never visit her again in her own home. It’s up to her to change if she wants to see her grandchild.

We never visited my grandparents for the same reason. It's her choice but you have to be honest. Just meet in a cafe or other public place instead. If in five years when you might consider sleepovers she has moved or had the house s tripped you can reconsider

You’ll have to be blunt about it I’m afraid. Manage expectations. I would hate to go into a house like that. Not a problem I face as my heavy smoking mother died at 55. Cite mid wife advice etc - that environment is not ok for a baby /child.

You just tell her you don't want your baby in a home with second hand smoke.

You can still see her elsewhere, surely? She can get a bus, or a taxi, or you can meet her outside at a park or something.

I would say due to your concerns about second hand smoke she needs to visit you. If she asks about you visiting say if she stopped smoking in the house you would.

My DM and her partner are the same. They don't smoke inside apart from the conservatory but the smell goes everywhere and always triggers my asthma when I go and visit them.

If I were in your shoes I'd be saying to my Mum that I love her etc but her and her house stinks of smoke and it's not very good for a baby/child so won't be bringing the baby around to hers but happy to meet somewhere or for her to come over to mine.

It’s a really tricky situation, because ultimately you can’t tell someone what they can do in their own house despite it being a filthy habit 😬
Could you send her some info about the dangers of secondhand smoke to babies - the fact that even if she smokes outside the toxic chemicals on her clothes can be transferred to the baby?

You won’t change her now OP…but you can change your behaviour and just stop going. I would absolutely tell her why (keep it baby-centric using actual facts). She’s welcome to visit you of course as long as she doesn’t smoke at all whilst there…given that the smoke clings to clothing, skin, hair and breath. You don’t want your baby breathing it in and smelling of smoke.

Why would you not raise the smoking issue? It's bleeding obvious why you wouldn't take a baby into her house. You tell her that the baby isn't going there because of the damage to its lungs from all the ingrained cigarette smoke.