To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

You can’t tell her what to do in her own home. Are you aware, that even if she smokes outside, the fumes that can affect your child will be coming of her?

Agree. You can't ask her to stop smoking in her own home, but you can make it clear that your child will not be visiting a smoker's home. Expect lots of pushback and anger over this though, she will go into denial and tell you that her house doesn't smell - because she is noseblind to it.

You can’t make her, but you can tell her you won’t take your child there if she smokes inside. Can she at least contain it to the kitchen with door open?

You can’t tell her not to smoke in her house, but you can tell her you won’t be bringing your child round to hers if she continues to smoke inside. Just tell her that clearly and stick to it, then it’s her own choice to carry on or not.

You can raise the smoking issue by saying that you won't visit a smoky house with your baby, but she is very welcome to come to your house or you can support her to stop smoking so that you can visit her with your child.

You can’t ask her not to smoke in her own house.

My dad smoked like a chimney and I never took my kids to his house for this reason. He had to wash & change before visiting us when they were babies.

Amazingly he stopped smoking 6 years ago and I take the kids over there now.

Grew up in a smoking household, ex-smoker myself. You are right about nose blindness.
I would speak to her now as if she agree to smoke outside it needs to happen now as the smell lasts for ages.
”Mum I know you’re really excited about baby and I hope you and they can have the lovely relationship I had with grandma. However, I am concerned about your health re smoking and worry about you. Also I can’t put my baby’s health at risk. Please please consider giving up the fags. If you can’t then please stop smoking in the house. I can’t bring baby to a smokey house but I really want to be able to visit you with baby’
Maybe get some info re effects of the stale smoke, be prepared to say how the smell is in the fabric of sofa etc IF she is adamant she won’t change. As in, start gentle, push a bit if necessary but stand firm for your baby.
#edit for spelling and clarity

I agree. People do stop at these sorts of junctures.

She will know - smokers aren't stupid. She's just addicted.

Clear the air, literally and figuratively! 😂

My die hard smoker mother stopped smoking in her house when the first grandchild came along nearly 20 years ago.
She thought it was fine just to not smoke in the house when he was there but I pointed out to her the dangers of 3rd hand smoke and that absolutely everything was covered in it. I also guilted her for the health risks to my poor non smoking dad. She still to this day only smokes outside even though all the grandkids are almost adults now.
This was a woman who smoked in the house throughout my own childhood, on the buses next to me, in restaurants, everywhere! Smoking indoors is grim and I told her she wouldn't be seeing her grandchild if she continued smoking indoors. Can you not just be straight with your mum?

You can’t tell her not to smoke in her own home but you must explain that you and dc won’t be visiting her there so you’ll need to meet up elsewhere.

You can't tell her not to smoke in her own house but you can tell her that you won't be bringing the baby round to see her and there will be no sleep-overs either.

It's then her choice to carry on smoking and deal with the consequences of having a very different relationship with her grandchild that you did with your grandparents.

Hopefully, this will encourage her to stop smoking. Does she know about how awful you felt as a child as the only one who stank of cigarettes at school?

Yes I agree. Only maybe don’t use the phrase “ I want to clear the air!” 🤣

Unless she stops smoking now and entirely redecorates/replaces all soft furnishings, the smell will remain. My mum is the same. Her very small house stinks. She gave me 2 items of clothing last year, I had to wash them before I could go near them. She wanted me to sell a lovely teddy bear fleece coat for her recently and I had to tell her it would only get a few quid. Trouble was, it had been hung up in her entrance hall which is open so stank. Even stuff in the drawers upstairs (she only smokes downstairs) absolutely reeks.

You can’t ask her to stop smoking but obviously you won’t want to expose your baby to secondhand smoke. You need to tell her that you won’t be able to visit her. She will be aware of why. If she’s an hour away, can’t she use public transport to visit you? Even then, I think the advice is no smoking for (don’t know how long) before holding the baby, wash hands, change clothes etc.

OP's mum is 55 years old. She knows smoking is bad for her - she doesn't live under a rock.

To be clear, when I said leaflets about dangers, I didn't mean about danger of smoking to the OP's mum. Yes, obviously OP's mum knows that!

I meant danger to the baby - OP's mum might not know that. It's a long time since OP was a baby, research and advice has changed significantly in that time. Also so that OP would have the official advice to hand to back her up, so her mum can't dismiss her as OTT or too fussy.

OP wanted advice of how to approach her mum. That was mine.

It’s a super tricky one op and I feel for you.

Smoke smells awful and it is dangerous.

Yet I kind of agree that she’s entitled to live how she wants.

I think the best course here is total honesty. Tell her there is something you want to chat about. Maybe at a cafe so she is less likely to blow up and not hear you out - unless you feel that she’d feel manipulated by that. I think just say what you have told us: you love your mum and you really want her involved in the life of your baby. However you have to do your best for your baby’s health and passive smoking is a problem. Tell her you know you can’t ask her to live her life the way you want her to, but it would really mean a lot to you for her to be active as a grandparent.

And ask her what you can do?

It may cause her to think. What you have on your side is the fact you have been tolerant(ish) up till now. You can use that to make the point it is simply an issue of your baby’s health. She might be upset at first but it may get her thinking.

Ultimately you need to hand this to her to solve as she’s the only one who can.

My granddad stopped smoking the second I got diagnosed with a potentially fatal lung/heart complication a few weeks after birth. He stopped so he would be able to see me, as the first grandchild, as otherwise the medical risks were way too high. My husband quit when he realised how much it could affect my health, wasn’t concerned for himself but was for me. 1 week into our relationship and he had stopped buying them and finished his last.
I firmly believe in being upfront and honest;
“Hi mum, I love you very much, and I’m looking forward to baby loving you just as much. However, you have become blind to the smell in your house. It seeps into everything and you must have noticed DH stopped coming around. Well, this baby is very precious and we have decided we don’t want him/her around your house because of the embedded smoke. It gets trapped in everything and is incredibly harmful to babies and children. If you continue smoking in the house, we will have to have visits at my house only, especially as I don’t want my baby getting sick from second hand smoke.
I know the truth sometimes hurts, but this is why I want to clear the air now. I know you smoked around me growing up, but these days we know better so we do better. The choice is up to you, but I really don’t want you to miss on baby growing up because of something like this that can be sorted!”
Then let the chips fall where they may. Your mum can make choices having all the facts. And you don’t need to leave your baby somewhere stinky.

Because they're addicted and addiction is a powerful drug.

They don't need people to tell them they smell or whatever - they know - they just don't care enough to change. You can't pressure someone out of an addiction - they have to want to do it themselves.

You can’t tell her what to do and if she’s that nose blind anyway, she will just carry on and think opening a window will solve it. I sympathise - a step parent of mine smokes and whilst we are there it’s outside the house but it still lingers from when they smoke the rest of the time. Truly nothing worse for a baby.

Could she stay at yours for sleepovers/babysitting? To be honest if it’s in her clothes it won’t be good for her to snuggle your newborn either! :(

I think the birth of her first grandchild might be the catalyst for her to stop smoking, it worked for my DH!
You could buy her the Allen Carr's Easyway to stop smoking book, they do an audio version and courses. There's a website too. She'll need your support but it really could be the best thing to happen to her, alongside your precious child.

I think you just need to be really blunt.

Mum, I won't be visiting you any more because smoking isn't safe for pregnant women, babies or children and my baby will not be coming to your house at all. If you want to see me and baby you will need to visit us, and will need to shower and be smoke-free. I know you have never protected me or anyone else from your smoking, but I will be protecting my child from the harm smoking causes and it's not negotiable, so please have a think about what you will want to do and whether you are willing to make changes in order to meet your grandchild.

At the moment she's living in a fantasy and you're not meeting that with reality.

In my experience smoking is an addiction similar to many other 'nastier' types, in that people will persist regardless of any rational conversations to persuade them otherwise. My mum prioritised smoking - money for smoking and freedom to smoke above everything including her own life, and she told herself and others lies to excuse and justify it. It really was very similar to the behaviour of alcoholics and other addicts.

before the baby is born start dropping into conversation things about smoking. Say how happy you are that she goes outside to smoke as you don’t like being exposed to it. Make up a friend whose relatives smoke and say oh my god she exposes her baby to smoke I could never do that.
basically start dripping into her ear how much you hate smoking. Do this over a period of time.

Don’t do this - it’s manipulative. Have a straightforward, honest and calm conversation about it.

I've never been a smoker, and I dislike it. But you can't tell a person what to do in their own house - that's ridiculous.