To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

Buy her one of those disposable vapes. Have a chat with her about her health. You want her around to see babies grow up. Ask her to please try the vape. She's young enough to try something new.

My mil had a big health scare when I was pregnant with her first grandchild. Alcohol related. She was 64. She stopped drinking and lived another twenty seven years.

I think you really just have to tell her how it is.
You simply cannot take your baby into a house where she smokes or let her handle the baby when she has recently smoked.
You never know this could be the incentive for her to give up.
One of my grandchildren has an another grandparent who smokes. The grandchild is not allowed to go to their house. When the grandchild was a baby the grandparent would shower and put on clean clothes, then not smoke before coming over to see the baby. They stayed until they had to smoke and then left. The grandparents accepted this.

When your baby arrives the natural instincts to protect them will outweigh the feelings of a woman happy to smoke herself to an early grave..

Nope it didn’t even cross her mind, and between me and her she thinks the dil is over the top with the issue.
She’d never say this aloud though to her dil or her son she has changed her habits.

I agree with others OP. You just have to tell her that all the current research shows that exposing young children to second and third hand smoke is harmful. She’ll obviously say that it didn’t do you any harm, and you can point out that times have changed and advice is different.

Also, she’s only in her 50s. It’s not as if she’s 85 and been smoking for 70 years. She could give up. My Gran smoked from age 16, but still managed to give up at age 60 when my brother was diagnosed with asthma.

You’ve just got to be straight with her. And actually OP, I think you’ll find it easier when your baby is born. The protective instinct is quite overwhelming. Nothing else matters as much.

Can she get public transport?;MIL gets the train and bus to see us and she is 80. We also go and see her but means it's not always us.

It's difficult because you obviously want your children to have a close relationship with their Grandparents but I think you do need to raise it with her. It's worth emphasising that it's for her health too as you want her to be around to see your children grow up. Would she be open to switching to vaping? That's something you could explore with her and support her in.

Surely your friend would have known about the risks of smoking around babies, even if she didn't know the extent of harm caused by second and third-hand smoke? I'm very surprised that she didn't work it out herself over the three years before she spoke to her son about it.

As a heavy smoker wouldn’t you rather that your daughter asked you to not smoke indoors rather than risk not having a relationship with your grandchildren?

I was going to say you’re being unreasonable until I got to the baby bit. On the day I left hospital with my day old son, the midwife gave me a debrief and said if you have any smokers visit make them wash their hands and take off their top layer of clothing before holding the baby. This was 2015.

I would have a serious chat with her, maybe go shopping for baby bits, have a lunch and say. ‘Mum I want you really involved in the baby, I’d love for you to have them as much as possible, I want you to have the relationship with my child like I did with Granny. But I have one concern, you know what I’m going to say don’t you? It’s the smoking Mum. It’s so harmful to children and not just fresh smoke, it’s the lingering old smoke. I’d like nothing more for you to give up smoking by the time baby arrives BUT I know you’re a grown woman and it’s a lot to ask, but I want you around as long as possible and we all know smoking will cut your life short. It will. But if you won’t do that for us, could you start smoking outside permanently? I know you’re going to think I’m being bossy or pushy or an OTT Mum to-be but I just wanted to put it out there. I’m so lucky to have a Mum in her 50s who is still really young and I just want you to be involved as long as possible but I can’t leave the baby in a smokers house Mum. It’s too harmful.

See what she says, it might just start the conversation. Surely you want her to give up? And not just smoke outside?

I’m a smoker, and most smokers I know would agree that smoking needs to be done outside.

You can't dictate what SHE DOES IN HER OWN HOUSE.

You can dictate that you won't allow your child to go in that house.

You can dictate that you won't stay there.

You can only dictate YOUR OWN REACTION.

My mum's not the easiest either. Takes everything personally, fond of the silent treatment, BUT, she absolutely loves babies so I think that overrode everything.
Good luck. I would just say have an honest conversation.

Not all smokers are like that. I'm a very heavy smoker but I wouldn't smoke in my house with my toddler, even if he wasn't here. Unfortunately for op it is kind of an awkward situation to try demanding someone doesn't do something in their own house

I’ve got a friend who is a heavy smoker. When her first grandchild was born and she realised that her son and dil were visiting everyone else in the family with the baby and not her, she was really upset.. didn’t know what she’d done wrong.
This went on for the first three years and she only saw the baby if she went to them, the dil mum was the one who got offered babysitting duties ect.
In the end she asked her son what the problem was, she was heartbroken because she’d pictured a much closer relationship.
When he told her.. It’s your house mum, it stinks of cigarette smoke she changed immediately. Washed all the soft furnishings, deep cleaned the house and now only smokes outside and washes her hands after.
The little boy can now go round there and she wishes they’d told her sooner.
How would your mum take it, surely she’d prefer the conversation to stop smoking indoors now rather than trying to guess why she can’t have her grandchild in the house.

Another one here with a mum who smoked throughout my childhood but then lots of my friends mums did too, could still smoke on buses and in cafes etc. I grew to hate the smell to the point of retching when home in uni holidays and getting back into the house.

Lived 50 miles away by the time had the first grandchild. Told her baby wouldn’t be coming to the house she needed to come to us but we would come and collect her. Kids only went there when they were much older for short periods, never overnights and I made clear why. She didn’t like it but tough, it was always freezing because she’d had doors and windows open to reduce the smell.

After she died the walls were bright white behind pictures and mirrors and yellow elsewhere. All the clothes, bedding and towels needed washing multiple times before donating. It reinforced for me that I’d made the right decision when I saw how it had affected the house let alone young lungs.

You can’t tell someone else what to do in their own house which you know, the only way to approach this reasonably is to make clear the consequences they are not in control of if they continue.

Personally I would wait for the next time she mentions spending time with the baby and say something along the lines of ‘I’d love that but obviously the baby won’t be able to be here, will she/he?’ Then when she questions it (which presumably she will) reply with ‘well I can’t have the baby around the smoke can I? As you smoke indoors the baby won’t be able to come to the house at all unfortunately!’ If you present it as a done deal rule rather than something you’ve randomly decided on then it’s harder for it to become a debate with ill feeling. If she says she’ll stop then comment about getting the house in a ‘healthy’ condition etc. If she doesn’t then that’s on her not you.

I had this with my Mum when I was expecting my first. I just took her out for lunch and just broached the subject over a cappuccino and a sandwich. Told her that it would be difficult for me to visit the house with the baby due to the smoke.

She was actually really reasonable and made the decision herself that from now on she would only smoke outside. Or if it was raining she would stand at the patio doors and blow the smoke outside. It worked! House was smoke free and started to smell much better. She did it because she knew how important it was to me and because she also wanted to keep her grandchild away from the smoke.

Can you chat with her about it without making demands and see what her reaction is?

@ReadTheBlurb On the offchance your mum would like to give up but thinks she's too old or set in her ways, tell her that a Mumsnetter (me!) smoked heavily for 50 years but managed to give up easily. It can be done, if she wants to.

And the sooner the better op. A deadline works wonders. Work towards her holding your newborn Dc,.

This.

And unfortunately if the smell is that ingrained in the house it won't be enough if she didn't smoke another cigarette from this day forward.

Yes I think this will make her feel attacked.

One face to face conversation. Say it’s important beforehand.

The drip drip approach is just nagging and niggling at her

It’s harsh but smokers tend to die younger and/or have more frequent chest infections/ toe amputations etc than non-smokers.
A new dgc might provide the reason for your dm to give up smoking. I’m sure her gp will offer support.