To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

I havent read the full thread but even if she comes to your house she'll still have her smelly hair, skin, clothing etc.

Theres no disguising it or preventing it. It really is repulsive.

How dangerous is a question though if she is only visiting you. Also its irrelevant that she doesnt drive, she can use public transport surely?

This would be a nonstarter with me. I’d pick her up for outings but there’s 0 chance my child would be in a house of a smoker. At this point it actually is too late to ask her to stop anyway as everything in that house is saturated so I’d just tell her now that you need to stop being inside - it’s not great while pregnant either.

You cannot be nice about this. You have to accept the response you will get from your DM will probably be unpleasant. In a way it is asking you to choose between DM and DC. I know most would choose DC.

I was diagnosed with asthma at 27.. Years of being around smokers as a dc..
Don't know how to quote posters but the love of a good family doesn't prevent SIDS....

I won't go into a smokers house end of. It stinks.

you don’t need to tell her what to do in her own home, but I think you need to have some kind of conversation with her.

Something along the lines of recognising she has the right to smoke in her own home, but there’s a lot more known about the impact of passive smoking, being in a smoky environment etc. these days. And be brave and point out that your clothes and belongings smell of smoke after a visit and because of this you’re not going to be able to bring the baby to the house as long as she’s smoking indoors.

Smokers know it’s bad for them, but the ones that smoke indoors are so used to it, they really don’t get how much it stinks. I say this as a bit of a social smoker 😳 who hasn’t stayed over at my parents house for almost 20 years because of indoor smoking.

I would state it as fact quite soon. ‘Obviously mum, the baby won’t be able to go into your house because of the dangers of second hand smoke’ Give her a chance to do something about it herself.

In fact would you even let her babysit at yours knowing she’ll be popping out for a fag and then breathing it all over baby?

Some of the reactions here feel extreme to me. So just to offer an alternative viewpoint. ..

Your child will know a lot of people and go to a lot of places in their lives. Some of them will have healthy habits and pose relatively few risks. Others won’t, but they can’t be avoided completely without a detriment to their life skills. You have a responsibility to be the very best example you can be to your children but you also have a responsibility to help them live around others.

By all means you should implore your mum to stop smoking and live better. It sounds minging. She may be motivated to improve her chances of living longer when she has a grandchild. But she’s an adult and the only mother you have.

Personaly I wouldn’t judge the risk posed by stale smoke in a house she sometimes - even regularly - visits, to be significant. If there is a risk i would find it outweighed by the benefits to you all of caring family relationships.

I know what it’s like to be a new parent though the details take on a lot of significance. Good luck.

You can tell her you won’t be bringing any child to her house whilst she is still smoking, she can then make the decision whether she carries on smoking. However, smoking doesn’t seem to be the only problem and I wouldn’t be keen on her babysitting/having little one for a sleepover because of her attitude and behaviour

OP I think the voting answers are skewed a bit because your poll options don’t particularly make sense, you’ve said:

YANBU - a smoky environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.
YABU - it's her house and she's entitled to smoke in it if she chooses.

Both of those things can be true at the same time, they not exclusive, so I wouldn’t know which way to vote because yes it is her house and she is entitled to smoke in there if she chooses to, but also yes a smokey environment is horrible and not suitable for a child.

Really your AIBU is- would it be unreasonable to tell my mum that I will not bring my baby to a house where she smokes? That would have been clearer, because no that’s not unreasonable at all.

You can ask but it takes more than that for an addict to give up their habit. Maybe have a conversation about WHY she smokes, what triggers her so she needs to light up? Ask how best you can support her to give up. Giving up any addictive habit requires a lot of inner strength and hard work, which for many is quite scary.

OP…your mum is still young…50s…she’s MORE than capable of getting on a bus or train to visit you.

The issue is, you’ve enabled her ‘victim’ mentality by never expecting her to put herself out and visit you!

Many, many posters on here will be similar ages (or, like me, very much older!) and will be wondering what the hell being in her fifties and living in ‘another town’ has to do with anything. Sure, she can’t drive, but she can sort out a journey ffs!

You are making this so much harder than it needs to be 🤷‍♀️

It sucks. We have this in our family. My parents both smoke but have never smoked in doors and were always seen as eccentric because of it back when I was a kid and smoking was normalised. My mother can not stand bad smells in the home but foesnt realise she still stinks of cigs. We made it clear that if wither of them smoked they had to wash their hands and wait at least 30 mins before handling the babies/kids. End of.

My husbands step mom smokes, in her apartment and constantly. Windows do occasionally get opened. If we come by she smokes in the kitchen as a comprise. The kids aren't allowed into hers. End of. We meet near hers and fil's (he doesn't smoke). We go to restaurants or for picnics in the park or on the common.

She will not visit us at ours because we don't allow smoking in doors. Everyone had accepted her choice and ours.

It was definitely uncomfortable but we laid out the facts clearly and factually. And made thise our reasons we would keep our kids away from cigarette smoke. It has over the years caused some tension and made certain family occasions difficult on both sides of the family but we're sticking to it and they stick to their preferences.

We would never ask her not to smoke in her own home, we don't have that right. She also doesn't have a right to open access to our kids or to change our opinion. Both sets of family understand that their choice has limited what and how they can spend time with the grandkids. We have accepted this as well. We don't have the kids away foe weekends on evenings because of this. It's a choice ypu have to make but I'm afraid you can't have it 100% your way. You have to choose, whether being in smoking environment or free time is more important to you.

Live and own your decision. No one can help you navigate this. This one is on you both as parents.

I agree. My heavy smoking mother (she smoked in the house all the time when I was growing up) managed to stop before my brother had his children and as a result, she was able to have them round regularly,which she loved.

Unfortunately, she wasn't able to see the eldest get her GCSE results, A level or degrees (the younger one was 11 at this time, so she's missed all of her academic milestones, too) as she died from lung cancer the year my niece turned 16. In her just months of life she was bedridden - and told me she knew she'd shortened her own life by smoking.

Of course. The mom might not realise how bad it is. I'd just tread carefully, don't make it sound like a demand iyswim. She might be 100% willing to smoke outside all the time if it means a better relationship with her GC.

It’s not that a smoky environment is “horrible and not suitable for a child” it’s that smoke particles are dangerous to the health of babies and are linked to a range of risks including SIDS. My dad was a smoker, but I had a conversation with him during my pregnancy and he gave up so that he could spend time with my DC when they were born. If your mum is unable to give up, she’ll need to shower and wear fresh clothes before visiting, and you shouldn’t take the baby to her house. You can’t force her to stop smoking in her own home if she doesn’t want to, but you can refuse to expose your baby to it by not taking it into that environment.

The responses to this thread are bizarre. The universal assumption seems to be that because she is a smoker, your mom must by definition be some kind of evil bitch who will prioritise smoking indoors over her grandchild.

She sounds like a nice person who you have a good relationship with. She is already happy to go outside to smoke when you visit. I am sure she will understand if you explain to her politely and kindly. I wouldn't go on about the smell to be honest. (And while it's not a great smell, I do think your husband is being a little OTT to refuse to even come near you until you shower after you have visited - I am surprised the transfered smell is so strong that he simply can't endure it). I would major on the health issues. She is not stupid, she will be aware of them anyway. You aren't even asking her to quit - just to smoke outside, which isn't an enormous ask - I would definitely do it. Much better than simply deciding to never visit her, without even mentioning what the issue is - that's mad advice!

I mean, she’s addicted to nicotine- she’s not stupid!!!!

No, you cannot ask her to not smoke in her own house. It’s her home and she can do what she likes in it.
You can say that you don’t wish to take the baby round due to the second hand smoke and have to accept that you might not get the childcare you want because it’s unlikely she’ll give up any time soon.

Make sure you spell out it isn't because you ', don't like it' it's because being around smoke becomes a SIDS risk and surely dm doesn't want that?

Do it now, tell her now, then you can see how she acts and reacts. But your boundaries are resolute.

With all respect, though, you will still be inflicting third-hand smoke on your child — smokers’ clothes and bodies smell very strongly, and it’s not something smoking outside or chewing gum can combat.

If I were still in touch with my mother, I wouldn’t want her holding my baby without showering and changing her clothes — it really does smell that bad, and it clings to everything it touches.

Agree you can’t tell someone not to smoke in their own home, but I can’t fathom why smokers won’t stop for the sake of the kids. I know it’s hard, but it’s the only way they won’t be impacted.

Even if she stops smoking indoors her house will still smell of smoke as it will be ingrained into every fibre of everything in there, I used to smoke, gave up, moved house and my sideboard even after 6 years still smelt and everything stored in there ended up still smelling of cigarettes even new things. I think you need to met your mother outside of her house, in cafes or parks and even if she holds the baby she will transfer the smell on to them.